


Death Is Just So Full

by Olsies



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: (not eddie), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Character Death, Cancer, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Parent Death, Pre-Fic character death, Suicide, mother death, not a slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 79,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25150297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olsies/pseuds/Olsies
Summary: Richie stared out into the darkness and pulled the comforter up closer under his chin. He was so tired, but his mind was racing.In less than five hours, he would be getting on a plane and be headed back to Derry, Maine, a place he hadn’t been in almost ten years, a place he’d spent most of his adult life trying to forget. The only reason he was going back was because his ma was sick, incredibly sick. Like any minute-Abruptly, he pushed the thought away and rolled back to his other side.***Or basically the one where Richie's mom is dying and he has to go back to Derry where he meets an old friend.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 54
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

Richie Tozier woke with a start, whole body jerking, and gasping for breath. His heart crashed loudly in his chest. It was still dark out, but he couldn’t see anyway; he was fucking blind without his glasses. He groped for them so he could hold them up to his face, and glanced at the clock. It was almost two in the morning. Sighing, he dropped his glasses next to him. He rolled away from the clock, shoving his face into his pillow. He knew he should put his glasses back on the bedside table, but he just didn’t fucking care.

He stared out into the darkness and pulled the comforter up closer under his chin. He was so tired, but his mind was racing.

In less than five hours, he would be getting on a plane and be headed back to Derry, Maine, a place he hadn’t been in almost ten years, a place he’d spent most of his adult life trying to forget. The only reason he was going back was because his ma was sick, incredibly sick. Like any minute-

Abruptly, he pushed the thought away and rolled back to his other side. After about ten minutes, he gave up and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. He sat on his couch and turned on the TV to some sitcom about a family living in a hotel. He didn’t even make it through a whole episode before he fell back to sleep, even though he should have been getting ready to go.

He woke up with a loud snort. Tugging off his glasses with one hand, he rubbed his face with his other. Yawning, he got up, refilled his cup of coffee, and looked at the time. It was almost five.

“Jesus H. Christ!” He yelled and rushed to his room. His plane boarded in an hour and a half. He grabbed his phone from the charger, turned off all his alarms that were still screaming, and opened the Uber app. Total time between the driver getting to him and to the airport cut it extremely close. He ordered the car as he groped for his old sleep pants. He’d thought about wearing real clothes, in case he saw a fan or something, but none of them really seemed to care what he was wearing as long as he could say something snarky. He went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, debated on shaving, but gave it up and threw his bathroom stuff in his bag.

He tried to check his phone as he threw a bag over his shoulder, shove his wallet in his mouth, grab his other bag and shoes as he went down the stairs to the street, but dropped most of it. His phone fell with a sickening crack. He sighed as he rushed after it all. He dropped his bags next to his phone and picked it up. Cracked but still functional. He sighed with relief as he tugged on his shoes.

The Uber came a few minutes later, just long enough for him to gather up his things and make himself look like he hadn’t just dropped everything down the stairs and nearly followed after. He threw his stuff in the trunk and they took off. Richie was glad the driver wasn’t talkative. It gave him more time to scroll through his phone, text his dad he was on his way, and so on. When they got to the airport, Richie checked in at the counter because he was checking a bag, and then he ran through the airport at top speed to try to get to his gate on time. They were just starting to close the door when he nearly crashed into the podium, gasping for breath.

“Mr. Tozier, you made it just in time,” one of the women said, and Richie smiled as best he could at the flight attendant while wheezing.

“Ticket- here-” He said through gasps, handing over a slip of paper. The woman scanned it and walked him to the door.

“You better hurry,” she said. “I’ll be right there to check on you.” She patted his butt to encourage him along and Richie turned to glare. The woman’s face fell a little, and she managed a small blush that might have been considered attractive if he hadn’t been so annoyed. She smiled apologetically. “You better hurry,” she said again and Richie went down the gangway. Another flight attendant greeted him as he rushed into the airplane. He took his bag and directed Richie to his seat.

“I’m going to just put your bag up here,” the man said, but Richied grabbed at it.

“Headphones, sorry,” Richie said and the flight attendant held out his bag so he could get them. “Thanks.” Once he had his headphones in his hand, he plopped into his seat and pulled out his phone so he could put it in airplane mode.

“Good morning, this is Captain Stewart. Thank you so much for flying with us. Now that we are all present and accounted for, the flight attendants are going to go over all the safety procedures, and would appreciate your undivided attention. Have a great flight.” Richie stuck an earbud in his left ear, turned on an old TV show he’d downloaded, but he held the screen close to his body so he could lean over and sleep. He’d been on so many flights, he knew all the safety procedures by heart. He woke up when the flight attendant who had patted his ass came over to take his drink order.

“Just coffee, please,” he said. “With creamer.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but we’re out of creamer. Is there something else I could interest you in?” Richie sighed and rubbed his face with his hand.

“Do you have any of those little rum bottles?”

“Yes, sir,” the woman said. “We can only accept debit or credit cards for payment.”

“That’s fine,” Richie said unbuckling his seatbelt and digging his wallet out of his pocket.

“Did you still want the coffee?”

“No, thanks,” he said. “But could I have some Dr. Pepper, too?”

“Sure,” she said with a smile as she took his card.

“And, make it two of those little bottles, please.” He rebuckled his seatbelt and let the tray in front of him down.

“Yes, sir,” the woman said as she punched some buttons on a small keypad. When she was done, she handed him back his card and gave him his drinks.

“Thanks,” he said with a small nod as he started to open one of the tiny bottles of rum. He downed it in one go. It was cheap and burned all the way down, but Richie liked the burn. He took a sip of the soda and shoved his hands back into the pockets of his hoodie. With one hand, he set his phone on his tray next to his drinks and leaned his head against the wall of the plane.

Logically, he knew this wasn’t the type of tired that could be helped by sleep, and yet he was powerless to resist at least trying to escape a little.

Dozing lightly, he thought about Derry.

It wasn’t _all_ bad; he’d had some great friends. But great friends in a small rural town in the early 2000’s didn’t do much when it came to the other boys terrorizing him. Although he was sure none of his friends would have given a fuck, he’d never told even his closest friends he was gay. They were all losers in their own way. Bev, Ben, Stanley, Bill, Mike, and-

“Eddie Kaspbrak,” he mumbled. The person next to him gave him a subtle look but said nothing. Richie sighed and rubbed his face again.

Eddie had been everything, the very best friend Richie had ever had, then and now. Eddie was the first boy Richie had ever loved. Liked? Whatever that feeling was that people got when they were seventeen that most adults argued wasn’t love, but sure as hell felt like love in the moment. He had practically given himself carpal tunnel his senior year. Richie sighed as he began to drift off again.

Would Derry even be recognizable without the Loser’s Club?

Eventually he fell asleep all the way, and didn’t wake up again until they started their descent to Bangor International. The flight attendants were coming to collect their trash. Richie downed the other rum bottle and what Dr. Pepper was left just as they came over to him. He threw his trash in without comment.

Once they landed, Richie got off the plane quickly, and went to the bathroom. When he was done using the toilet he went to the sink, washed his hands, and splashed water on his face.

“Jesus, fuck me,” he muttered to himself and got a side glance from a man beside him. Richie thought about apologizing but he knew it was useless, and besides, the man was already gone. Sighing, he grabbed his carry-on and went to find the baggage claim. He was one of the last ones there, but they still had to wait another ten minutes before the conveyor belt started to move.

Richie stood back, staring at his phone. He had zero interest in fighting the crowd to get to the conveyor belt, he could wait. The crowd dissipated slowly, and only when he could comfortably stand between people did he move in to grab his bag.

His bag which wasn’t there.

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself again and shoved his phone into his pocket. He went to the lost luggage booth. A few other people stood in line, and Richie just sighed. This was the _last_ thing he needed right now, but at least he had a change of clothes in his carry on.

After he put a claim in, he headed to the front of the airport and pulled out his phone to order an Uber. Almost immediately, a car pulled up and he opened the door and started to get in the back seat.

“Richie?” A voice asked, and Richie stiffened. He didn’t really want to talk to a fan. “Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier?” Richie looked up slowly, and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “It’s me-”

“Eddie spaghetti,” breathed Richie and watched Eddie roll his eyes. “Eddie, what-” He hesitated. He didn’t know what to do. Half of him wanted to vault across the seats and pull Eddie into a bone crushing hug, and the other wanted to bolt right back into the airport and leave, his mother be damned. Richie opened his mouth to say something, but Eddie was out of the car so Richie got back out and was only half prepared for the bear hug Eddie pulled him into.

“Oh my gawd, Richie. I missed you so much,” Eddie said and Richie squeezed him back.

“Eddie,” Richie said again, suddenly aware he was in a zip up hoodie, ratty t-shirt, and old sleep pants. Someone behind them honked and both men jumped.

“Get in,” Eddie said, closing the back door and opening the front. Richie got in numbly, and he watched Eddie rush around the front of the car to the driver’s seat. Growing up, Eddie had been short and scrawny, and while he was still short, he wasn’t scrawny. He clearly worked out; he wasn’t super buff or anything, but he was in way better shape than Richie. _Although, that probably wasn’t hard_ , Richie thought to himself. “Let me just-” Eddie said as he buckled his seatbelt and took off. Richie sat in silence just watching his friend in awe. It was amazing how much had and hadn’t changed. It was weird to see him now with wrinkles and flecks of grey in his hair.

Richie could barely breathe.

When Eddie pulled onto the highway, he turned and glanced at Richie.

“Are you, Richie Tozier, speechless?” Eddie asked with a smirk, and Richie flipped him off.

“Eddie, what the fuck are you doing here?” Richie asked.

“I live here,” Eddie said, and Richie squinted at his friend.

“Why?” He asked. “We always talked about how much we hated it here, so what the fuck man?” Eddie laughed humorlessly.

“Why not?”

Richie thought for a moment. Why _the fuck_ should he care where Eddie Kaspbrak lived? They hadn’t talked in almost ten years.

“Because it’s a fucking shit hole,” Richie said eventually and Eddie laughed a little.

“I mean, you’re not wrong,” Eddie said a little sadly, and Richie just shook his head.

“I’m sorry,” Richie said when he realized what he’d just said. “I just slept like shit and-” He paused. He didn’t really want to say out loud why he was back, and he just stared down at a small hole in his pants. He just wished he could _stop being so fucking weird_.

“I heard about your mom,” Eddie said quietly. Richie began to pick at the hole. The silence filled the car, and they just sat there for several minutes.

“How long are you in town?” Eddie asked. “I’m sure Mike and the others would love to see you.”

“Mike Hanlon? That asshole’s still here? Did everyone in the Loser’s Club decide to come back and not invite me?” Richie laughed, and Eddie smiled.

“He runs the library,” Eddie explained and Richie just smirked.

“Have you heard from Ben and Bev? What about Stan and Bill?” Richie asked. Eddie’s smile faltered, but only for a moment.

“Bill’s good. He got married and has published a few books. Nothing big, but they’re both really good. Well, except for the endings. He owns a coffee shop in town,” Eddie said. “Ben and Bev are good. They als got married a few years ago, to each other, and Bev just had a kid. They come through town every so often.”

“Wow, kids,” Richie said. “That feels- I feel like we’re too young for kids.” They both laughed.

“I mean, we _are_ in our early thirties,” Eddie pointed out, and Richie just snorted.

“Yeah, whatever, Eds,” Richie said. “If you’re so grown up, where are your kids?” Laughing, Eddie grabbed his own crotch and Richie howled with laughter. “Oh my gawd!”

“You asked,” Eddie said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. Richie smiled. He couldn’t believe Eddie really hadn’t changed.

“So I take it you never found Mrs. Right?” Richie asked before he could stop himself. Eddie just shrugged, and Richie decided not to push it. He sat back in his seat, sighing. He was so tired, and everything felt so weird, so of course he drifted off to sleep again.

He woke up to Eddie gently rubbing his arm. Richie didn’t want to open his eyes, didn’t want to go in his house where his family was waiting for him. They either wanted his money, hated him because he was gay, or thought his job wasn’t a real job. Or all of the above.

“Richie,” Eddie called softly, and Richie whined.

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbled, pulling in closer on himself, and Eddie sighed.

“Would you like to go get a drink first? Bill’s coffee shop is just up the street,” Eddie said. “My treat.” Richie opened one eye and looked at his old friend.

“Do they have food? I think I forgot to eat today.” Eddie wrinkled his nose at Richie, and just sort of shrugged.

“If you’re hungry, the diner is better,” Eddie said. “Do you have time?” Richie shrugged.

“Honestly don’t think they’d miss me,” Richie said simply. Eddie nodded, poked something on his phone, and then put the car in drive. Richie looked up at his childhood house, and made eye contact with one of his older cousins. “Welp, I’ve been spotted.” Richie sighed. “Better get a rain check.” Eddie just looked at him.

“Ok,” Eddie said, putting the car back in park. He grabbed Richie’s phone before he could get out and put his number in it. “Text me. When you have time.” Richie smiled a little and squeezed Eddie’s hand as he got out. He grabbed his bag and headed up the walk without looking back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: hospitals, terminal illness/cancer, homophobic family

Richie’s cousin nodded at him as she stood on the side of the house vaping and scrolling on her phone. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He heard shouting on the other side. His cousin looked over at him.

“It’s unlocked, dipshit,” she said and Richie fought the urge to flip her off. He opened the door and stepped in, heart thudding in his chest.

“Hey, guys,” Richie called. “I’m home.” There was a smattering of greetings, but one of his younger cousins flew down the steps and jumped on him.

“Richie!”

Richie caught his 8-year-old cousin Rachel and gave her a big squeeze. “Hey, kid, how are ya?”

“I missed you!” She said, and Richie rubbed her back.

“Hey, ma! Richie’s here!” One of his cousins, Grace, yelled. Grace was Rachel’s mom, and Richie’s favorite cousin.

“Hey, Grace,” Richie said, setting Rachel down. He set his back down by the door and Rachel turned and started to climb up his back, so he bent a little so she could get a piggy back ride.

“Heya, Richie. How was your flight?” Grace asked and Richie snorted.

“Fine,” he said as Grace’s mom, his Auntie Marie, came out and pulled Richie into a fierce hug.

“Oh, Richie,” she said as she pulled away and patted his cheek. And for a moment, Richie thought the trip might not be so bad, but, of course, his dad called him from the front room right then.

“Rich, get in here!” His dad called. His aunt gave him an extra squeeze before letting him go. Richie set Rachel down and went into the front room. His dad and a few of the other older men were watching football. “You’re late,” his dad said without looking up at him.

“The airline lost my luggage,” Richie said and his dad laughed.

“That’s why I never check my luggage,” his dad said.

Richie shrugged. “They get mad when I try to carry on all my vibrators,” he said and Richie’s dad finally looked up at him, glaring at him.

“Heh,” his dad said. “Keep your jokes to yourself.” Some play on the TV distracted his dad, making him curse. “Go put your bag in your room and we’ll go visit your ma when the game is over.” Richie glanced at the TV and shook his head a little. The game was nowhere near done, so he knew they wouldn’t be going anywhere soon.

_So fucking typical,_ he thought to himself. He walked up to his room and set his bag just inside the door. Clearly other people were staying in his room and he sighed. Looked like he was sleeping on the shitty old couch that was older than he was. His shoulders already ached from the thought. As he closed his door, his phone went off. It was a text message from Eddie.

_Eddie 3:05 pm: Want to escape yet?_

Richie smiled and hit respond.

_Richie 3:06 pm: Eds, weird how some things never change._  
_Eddie 3:07 pm:_ 😂😂😂😂  
_Eddie 3:08 pm: Let me know when you have time later._  
_Richie 3:10 pm: About to go see my ma. I’ll text you when I’m done._  
_Eddie 3:11 pm: Sounds good, see you soon._

Richie put his phone in his pocket and went down to find Grace. She was in the kitchen making sandwiches for some of the kids.

“Hungry?” She asked, handing him a sandwich on a paper towel. Clearly him eating wasn’t a question.

“Thanks,” he said, taking a bite of sandwich and opening the fridge hoping to find a decent beer. He groaned. All they had was Bud Light. He grabbed one anyway before sitting down at the table.

“Do you want to go see your ma after you eat?” Grace asked.

“Yeah,” Richie said in a small voice. He didn’t want to go to the hospital, hated the hospital, everyone he knew who went to the hospital didn’t come out. But he really wanted to see his ma before-

A group of kids came racing in, laughing loudly. He only recognized one of them as his cousin.

“See? I told you Richie Tozier was my cousin!” Mason, his cousin, said. The kids looked him over.

“That’s not Richie Tozier,” one of the boys said and Richie froze, sandwich half out of his mouth.

“He looks like Richie Tozier if a cat ate him, pooped him out, then a dog ate the poo, then threw up the poo, then the cat-” One of the other kids started but Grace cut them off.

“Mason! Take your friends out of my kitchen!” She yelled, and Mason rolled his eyes.

“This isn’t your kitchen, it’s Auntie Maggie’s!” Mason said but he and his friends left. Richie looked at his cousin and they both snorted with laughter.

“I had to send them out before you destroyed him,” Grace explained through peels of laughter.

“What a nasty little shit,” Richie said.

“I thought you were the nasty little shit,” Grace teased, and they laughed harder.

“Funny how I don’t even look like me.”

“Those kids shouldn’t even be watching your show,” Grace said, and Richie gave her a look.

“Like we never watched stuff we shouldn’t have?” Richie asked, and Grace rolled her eyes.

_It’s because you talk about being gay,_ a voice said in the back of his mind, but he tried to ignore it. Grace was his favorite family member, one of the few who actually treated him like a human being. They both fell silent as they ate. When Richie was done, he stood up and stretched.

“I’m gonna go change, and then we can go,” Richie said.

“Take your time,” Grace said as she put away the food. Richie went back up to his room, grabbed his jeans, and headed for the bathroom. He wished he’d picked a different shirt to put in his carry on, but he’d been in such a rush he’d just thrown the first clothes he could find, and the one he had in his carry on said, ‘Nobody knows I’m gay.’ He didn’t think his ma would appreciate that, so his fairly clean but totally trashed AC/DC shirt would have to do.

As he was coming back down the stairs, he stopped when he heard someone say his name.

“Why is Richie even here?” It was his cousin Elliot, one of the most conservative members of his family.

“Because it’s his ma that’s dying!” Grace growled.

“He hasn’t even seen her in three years!” Elliot said and Grace scoffed.

“He’s been busy!”

“So have we!” Elliot said. “It’s because he thinks he’s better than us.” Grace scoffed again.

“Yeah, right,” she said as she came into the hallway. She looked up the stairs and saw Richie. She opened her mouth to say something, but he shook his head, no. She closed her mouth and walked away from the steps. After a few minutes he came down and went to find Grace.

“You ready?” Richie asked as he gently bumped into his cousin.

“Yeah, let me get my purse,” she said. Richie pulled out his phone and looked at his text messages. He could hardly believe Eddie Kaspbrak was back in his life, even if only for a short amount of time. Ten years later and Eddie could still make Richie’s world a little brighter just by existing. _What even pulled us apart?_ Richie asked himself. _Fucking punk._

He was putting his phone back in his pocket when one of the younger kids bumped into him and his phone went flying. Again.

“Fuck!” He yelled without thinking as he bent down to pick up his phone to see what new damage there was.

“Language,” Elliot called, and Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He checked his phone and was thankful to the powers that be that it wasn’t actually all that much worse. Grace came around the corner and looked at his phone.

“You know cases really help fight against that, right?” She asked and he rolled his eyes. He pocketed his phone and they went out to her car. Rachel came chasing after them.

“Mommy, mommy! I wanna come! I wanna come see Auntie Maggie!” Grace turned to look at her daughter.

“Not right now, baby. We can go visit her tomorrow,” Grace said, pulling her daughter into a hug. “Richie hasn’t seen his ma in a long time.” The little girl pouted. “I promise, we’ll go later, just you and me, ok?”

“Alright,” the little girl hugged her mom again and went back inside.

“This one,” Grace said pointing to her dark green minivan. Richie thought about saying something smart alec-y, but was trying really hard to not alienate the only adult in the house that could stand him.

The ride to the hospital was quick and quiet. Richie stared out the window idly chewing on his nails, wincing when a cuticle pulled up and made him bleed. Grace parked and led him to the elevators without stopping to check in at the information desk. The hospital was small and quiet, and it made Richie’s skin crawl. Grace led them confidently towards Richie's ma’s room, but Richie hesitated.

His ma knew he was coming, but he wasn’t sure she wanted him there. The last time they had seen each other, she had said some really hurtful things.

“Richie?” Grace said when she realized he was not right behind her any more. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I’m here,” he said and took another slow step towards her. Grace came back to him.

“Don’t think about what Elliot said,” Grace said. “Your ma is really looking forward to seeing you.” Richie made a face.

“Doubtful,” he said but took another step forward.

“Come on,” Grace said. “At least the sooner we do this, the sooner we can get it over with.” Richie nodded in agreement and put his hand in his pocket and wrapped his fingers around his phone. Freedom was just a phone call away. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Alright, let’s do this,” he said. Grace nodded a little and knocked on a door.

“Come in,” a voice called. Richie shivered. It was his ma’s voice, and it wasn’t. She sounded so unlike herself, so tired, so weak. Grace opened the door.

“Hi, Aunt Maggie,” Grace singsonged. “I’ve brought someone to see you.”

“Oh?” Richie’s ma said and then they came around the corner and her face lit up. “Richie! Oh, Richie, it’s so good to see you!” She said and he walked slowly over to her. If he’d seen her on the street, he wouldn’t have recognized her. The cancer had taken his ma already; this was just some sort of earthly remains. She’d lost so much weight, what little hair she had left was thin and wispy. Richie put on his biggest fake smile and walked over to her. He leaned down and kissed her cheek. She smelled like soap and medicine and something else that Richie couldn’t quite place, didn’t want to place. It smelled like death. It made him want to puke. His ma took his hand and he pulled a seat up close so he could sit next to her.

“Hey, ma,” Richie said in a small voice.

“How’re you doing, Richie?” She asked, patting his hand.

“I’m fine,” Richie said. “A little tired, but how are you?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” she said and looked around. “Can you keep a secret?” She indicated he should come closer. “They think I don’t have much time, so they are giving me all the good drugs. But don’t tell your dad, he would never understand.” Richie smiled and sat back.

“Of course not, ma,” he said.

“How’s your love life, Richie? Have you settled down with a nice girl yet?” His ma asked, and Richie looked over at his cousin who just shrugged and sighed.

“No, no ma, I haven’t,” Richie settled on.

“Well you better get on it,” she said. Richie nodded.

“Ok, ma,” he said. Grace came over to them.

“Hi, Auntie Maggie,” she said and kissed the old woman’s forehead. “How are you feeling today?”

“Oh, fine, fine,” the old woman said. “I got green Jello at lunch, my favorite.” Grace smiled.

“Anything good on TV?” Grace picked up the TV remote. She put on some daytime soap opera Richie had never seen and didn’t even know his ma liked.

They sat there for a whole episode, none of them talking much. Another episode went by, and a nurse came in to check Richie’s ma’s vitals.

“You must be Richie,” the nurse said with a big smile. Richie raised an eyebrow at her. “Every time your show comes on, she makes sure to watch it and tells anyone who comes in that you’re her son.” Richie looked over at his ma who was dozing. That didn’t sound right at all, but when he looked over at Grace, he could tell the nurse was telling the truth.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Richie said.

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Richie,” the nurse said. “My name’s Audra. All of the nurses here just love your mother.” Richie nodded.

“We love her too,” Richie said in a small voice. The whole world felt so upside down, he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“How about we get out of your way, Audra,” Grace said. “We’ve got to get going. I have a house full of kiddos and grownups who aren’t going to be able to eat unless someone figures out what we’re eating.” The women laughed, and Richie smiled nervously.

“Aww, you just got here,” Richie’s ma said. He squeezed her hand.

“I’ll come back tomorrow, ma,” he said.

“Promise?”

“Promise,” he said. He kissed her forehead and turned to Audra. “It was nice meeting you,” he said. He walked towards the door, and Grace said goodbye to the other women. Richie led the way out to the elevator. As soon as they got in, his whole body slumped against the wall.

“Are you ok?” Grace asked. Richie nodded but he was having trouble catching his breath. His chest felt tight, he couldn’t take a deep enough breath. “Richie?”

“I’m fine,” he said brushing her off. Except he wasn’t. His heart was crashing in his chest, his throat burned, and it was so fucking hot he wanted to die. “I haven’t been in a hospital in a long time, but why is it so fucking hot?” Sweat trickled down his back.

“It’s going to be ok,” Grace said. “I know a shortcut to get out, but we’ll have to walk around the building to get to the car. Or I can go get the car and meet you around the side.” Richie nodded and adjusted his glasses.

“Ok,” he said. After what felt like a million years, the elevator dinged open to their floor. She led the way out and around a way they hadn’t come. As soon as they got out of the building, Richie rushed to the bushes and threw up the sandwich. Grace came up beside him and rubbed his back. “Let it out,” Grace said. “It’s going to be alright.” Richie spat a few times and stood up.

“She’s really fucking dying,” he said, his voice high and breaking. Grace nodded.

“She is,” Grace said.

“Fuck,” he said in a small voice. “I’m gonna get a hotel. I can’t deal with that and the family.”

“Ok,” Grace said. “Did you want me to take you to a car rental place? Or were you going to Uber everywhere?”

“I’ll probably Uber,” Richie said. “It’s pretty much all I do back home anyway.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Do you have any gum?”

“Yeah.” Grace pulled some out of her purse and handed it over. He popped a couple pieces and pulled his phone out. “Are you having dinner with us?”

Richie shook his head. “You remember my friend Eddie from high school? He lives in town and actually was the one who picked me up at the airport. Eddie's an Uber driver. We’re gonna go get food.” He took a deep breath. “I’ll have Eddie take me to the Derry Townhouse.”

“Ok,” Grace said. “Come on, I’ll take you back to the house so you can get your stuff.” Richie followed her as he opened his texting app.

_Richie 6:07 pm: Hey, Eds. Just got done with my mom and heading back to the house._  
_Richie 6:07 pm: I’ve made a decision, I’m not fucking staying with them._

He shoved his phone back in his pocket and they were half way back to the house when Eddie texted back.

_Eddie 6:19 pm: When do you want me to come get you?_

Richie thought for a minute as he looked out the window at an incoming storm.

_Richie 6:20 pm: Head over now, I won’t be long._  
_Eddie 6:21 pm: I’ll be there soon._

Richie put his phone in his pocket and rested his head on the car door. They pulled up a few minutes later, and this time Richie didn’t wait for Grace, just went in the house, grabbed his stuff, and went back to the sidewalk. Grace was leaning against her car.

“Text me when you get in? So I know you’re safe?” Grace asked.

“Ok,” Richie said, staring at the pavement. Grace nodded and got up to go inside. “Hey Grace?” Grace turned to look at him. “Thanks, for everything.”

“You’re welcome, Richie,” she said. “I’m sorry this is happening.”

“Me too,” Richie said as Eddie pulled up. Eddie rolled his window down and leaned out a little.

“Heya good looking,” Eddie called out. “And Grace.” Grace laughed and Richie blushed.

“Take good care of him for me, would ya?” Grace asked.

“Anything for you, Gracie,” Eddie said as Richie slammed the door closed. “Bye.” He took off down the road before Grace could respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i got done editing this chapter, i was like so sad. i can't leave y'all here. i'm posting ch 3 today too! happy wednesday!
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr: benhanscomisnotstraight


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: grief, casual mentions of past suicidal thoughts/ideation

“Are you still up for eating out?” Eddie asked. “Or would you prefer to come back to my place? It’s small, but I could make you something, or we could get takeout.” Richie just picked at a hole in his jeans. “What kinds of things do you like?” Eddie asked at a stoplight. Richie shrugged.

“Sorry I’m not super talkative right now,” Richie said. “My ma’s fucking dying and she loves me?” He paused and Eddie watched him. “I mean _really_ loves me. When the fuck did that happen?"

“So, we’ll eat at mine. I won’t make you suffer through my cooking. Chinese ok?” Eddie said, clearly not sure how to respond.

“That’s fine.” Richie closed his eyes, desperately trying to not think of his ma in the hospital. It wasn’t like he wanted to be rude, and he felt like a downright shit, like he couldn’t do anything right. But it had been such a fucakaroonie day, and what the fuck was he supposed to do with his ma’s love?

_I mean, I know she loved me the best she could, she just didn’t show it well,_ he thought to himself. _I just wish she’d told me she supported me with anything. Ever._ He sighed.

Eddie drove them to a Chinese place, went in, got them food, and drove them back to his apartment. It was small but had a great view of the river and the woods. Richie stood at the window while Eddie got plates together.

“Richie, you ready to eat?” Eddie asked softly. Richie sat down at the table and looked at all the food.

“This looks good,” he said, although he didn’t at all feel hungry. And then he realized he still had throw-up-mouth. “Can I use your restroom really quick?”

“Yeah, it’s just over there.” Eddie pointed over his shoulder.

“Thanks,” Richie said, getting up and heading in the direction Eddie pointed. He closed the door and turned on the light. Nothing felt real.

He used the toilet, washed his hands, splashed cold water on his face, and stole some mouthwash. He went back out to the front room. Richie went and sat down with Eddie and served himself some food but just stared at it for a long time.

“You might feel better if you eat,” Eddie murmured. Richie nodded and took a bite of his egg roll, and winced. Mouthwash and egg rolls did not go well together. It took him a couple of bites to get the taste out of his mouth, but he didn’t really care. The food was decent, and he was really relieved that Eddie had decided to get takeout; he didn’t think he could manage talking to anyone else that night.

And then he remembered he hadn’t called the Townhouse yet. He groaned a little.

“The food’s not that bad, is it?” Eddie asked and Richie smiled, shaking his head a little.

“No, it’s not that,” he said. “I just don’t want to talk to the hotel people.” Eddie took another bite of egg roll. He shrugged a little.

“I mean, you could stay here,” Eddie offered and Richie looked up at him.

“I couldn’t ask you to do that. We haven’t seen each other in- in years. We haven’t even really talked about what’s going on in your life.” He paused. “It’s really fucking weird, Eds.”

“I’m saying you can sleep on my couch,” Eddie said. “You would do it for me.” Richie thought about it for a minute, and nodded.

“I guess,” he said, mostly because he was exhausted and the thought of leaving the apartment was just too much for him to handle. He quickly texted Grace the update. When they were finished, Richie helped clean up and then they both stretched out on the couch to watch some TV show about two women living in New York with lives full of shenanigans.

“Do you have any beer?” Richie asked after a bit, and Eddie shook his head, no.

“I’ve- uh- I’ve been sober for about a year and a half now, actually,” Eddie said. Richie looked over at Eddie and studied him for a moment.

“Well that’s a thing,” Richie said. “Congratulations? I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine,” Eddie said. “I do have some soda, tea, and water.”

“What kind of soda?”

“Coke.” Eddie got up and headed to the fridge.

“I’ll have a Coke,” Richie said. Eddie grabbed him one and grabbed a bottle of water for himself. Eddie sat on the opposite end of the couch from him, and it was weird. As kids it wasn’t uncommon for them to share a hammock, their bodies all tangled, and now there was like three feet of space between them.

Well, ten years and three feet of space.

Richie took another swig of soda and scooted down lower on the couch and closed his eyes.

The next thing he knew, Eddie was tugging the soda out of his hand and tugging off his glasses.

“What-” Richie started, but Eddie shushed him. Eddie set the stuff on the table, and then helped tug Richie’s tennis shoes off.

“Come on, legs up,” Eddie said, and Richie let him swing his legs over onto the couch. “Be right back.” He got up and came back after a few minutes. “Here, sit up a little.” Richie leaned up and Eddie put a pillow under his head. “Here’s a blanket, and I’m gonna leave another on the back of the couch.”

“Thanks,” Richie mumbled as he scooted down, pulling the pillow and blanket close.

“Sleep well.” Eddie ruffled Richie’s hair. “Let me know if you need anything.” Richie fell back to sleep quickly.

***

The next morning, Richie woke up to a little, furry body on his chest, and a tiny face sniffing his nose. Richie batted the small cat away, but it didn’t move, just sat there purring loudly. Richie groaned a little and scratched behind the cat’s ears.

“Who are you?” Richie asked, eyes still half closed.

“What’s up?” Eddie called and Richie yawned.

“There’s a cat on me,” Richie said. “Or at least it’s purring like a cat would.” He sat up slowly and put his glasses on.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to warn you about Ray.” Eddie came over to the couch. He was wearing a wrinkled Les Mis t-shirt, dark sweats, and his hair was sticking up in weird places. He picked up the cat. “You are such a little twerp,” Eddie said to the cat, before setting him down on the ground. “How you feeling?” Eddie asked, leaning over the back of the couch.

“Better.” Richie rubbed his face. “Thanks, for everything.”

“Want some breakfast?” Eddie asked.

“Sure,” Richie said and stretched. The cat jumped back on him. “Hey kitty,” Richie said. The cat had scars all over his face, his ears were tattered, and he was missing an eye. “You are an ugly fuck.” Richie scratched the cat behind his ears and the cat purred loudly. Eddie patted the cat.

“He’s no uglier than you,” Eddie said quietly as he walked away.

“What was that, Eds?”

“Nothing.” Eddie opened the fridge to get some food out.

“You’re a bad liar, Eddie spaghetti,” Richie said sitting up as the cat kneaded into him. Richie pulled the cat close to his chest as he tugged his legs out from under the blanket and walked into the kitchen, the cat still purring contentedly in his arms.

“Eggs and toast ok?”

“Sure,” Richie said. “Coffee?”

“I have a French press there,” Eddie said. Richie looked at a glass pitcher on the counter.

“Ok and?” Richie asked, and Eddie laughed.

“Give me a few, I’ll make you some.” Richie nodded and went to sit down at the kitchen table, cat still in his arms. His phone beeped and he shifted around to pull it out. It was Grace. Eddie pulled out some coffee beans and a coffee grinder.

“You may want to put Ray down,” Eddie warned.

“Why?” Richie asked as the cat shoved his face under Richie’s. Eddie shrugged.

“I’m sorry in advance,” Eddie said, and Richie raised an eyebrow at him but said nothing as he opened his phone. After Eddie dumped some beans in the grinder, he turned it on, and Ray jumped out of Richie’s arms, claws out and hissing.

“Fuck!” Richie said as he looked down at a scratch on his forearm.

“I warned you,” Eddie said without much sympathy, and Richie just flipped him off as he picked up his phone to see what Grace wanted.

_Grace 9:34 am: Hey, what time are you coming over today? Your dad is asking about you._   
_Richie 9:37 am: What, it take him this long to realize I was gone?_   
_Richie 9:38 am: I don’t know. Next couple of hours?_   
_Grace 9:40 am: Ok. See you soon._   
_Grace 9:41 am: Oh, and your suitcase came late last night. It’s in your room._   
_Richie 9:42 am: Thanks._

He put his phone on the kitchen table and rubbed his face as he sat down. Ray rubbed his face into Richie’s leg, purring loudly, so Richie leaned down and scratched behind his ears some more. The cat meowed loudly and jumped into Richie’s lap.

“I can’t believe how much Ray likes you.” Eddie filled a kettle with water and put it on the stove. Richie scritched under the cat’s chin.

“I love cats, so I’m glad he does,” Richie said, and Eddie smiled over at him as he cracked some eggs into a bowl. They fell silent, except for Ray who was purring so fucking loudly. Richie sighed. He wished he knew what to say, but what did you say to your best friend you haven't talked to in over a decade?

“I never thought you would be the cat type,” Richie said as Eddie poured some coffee.

“Yeah, me neither,” Eddie said truthfully.

“Where did you get him?”

“He showed up on my doorstep one day when I came home from work. He was a complete mess, and I had to take him to an emergency vet hospital. It was fun times.”

“Well, I’m glad he found such a kind cat dad,” Richie said. “I mean you have to get some sort of pussy.” Richie laughed but Eddie just gave him an annoyed look, a small smile threatening to escape out of the corner of his mouth.

“Beep beep, Richie,” Eddie said gently, and Richie just shrugged. Eddie finished cooking a few minutes later, and they ate quietly.

“So, what’s the plan today?” Eddie asked and Richie groaned.

“I guess I have to go back. If nothing else, they have my suitcase the airline lost.”

“They lost your luggage? Ugh, that sucks.”

“Right?” Richie asked. “My dad made a shitty comment about how _he never_ checks his luggage.” Both of them rolled their eyes.

“Your dad is such a shit.” Eddie paused. “Did you still need help talking to the Townhouse?” Richie sighed.

“I guess I should do that before I go home? Because I doubt I’ll be up to it after,” Richie said, and Eddie nodded.

“Alright.” He pulled out his phone.

“Don’t you have to go to work or something?” Richie asked. Eddie shrugged. “Do you only work for Uber?”

“No, I also work at the library during the weekdays. Mostly I just Uber to keep busy.”

“How are you able to Uber if you’re a recovering alcoholic?” Richie blurted and Eddie just looked at him.

“I never got a OUI, you ass,” Eddie said. They were silent again as Eddie scrolled through his phone looking for a phone number or something.

“Hey, Eds?”

“Hmm?” Eddie glanced up from his phone.

“You doin’ ok?” Richie asked. Eddie looked up from his phone and studied Richie.

“Yeah. I’m doing alright. I mean my life isn’t where I thought it would be, but whose is?” 

Richie smiled a little sadly at his friend as he looked around the room.

It was so weird. Richie’s own apartment wasn’t much bigger, but everything was newer and shinier. Most of Eddie’s was third or fourth hand, and they showed their age.

“I never thought I’d be doing stand up comedy and making a decent wage,” Richie admitted. “I honestly didn’t think I’d make it past 27. Figured I would probably kill myself first.” Eddie set his phone down and rubbed his face, sighing deeply. “Eds?”

“Sorry, just tired,” he said and picked his phone back up. “Here’s the number for the Townhouse.” He slid his phone over to Richie and got up. “I have to pee.”

“Eddie? What did I say?” Eddie shook his head and walked to the bathroom, leaving Richie alone to make the call.

The woman who answered the phone was very nice, and helped him make the reservation over the phone for the week with the agreement that he would probably stay longer, but wasn’t sure how long. He was unsurprised to hear that she knew his mother and before they hung up, she told him she was praying for his mother to get better. Richie thanked her and hung up. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and tried to will away the tension headache that was starting on the top of his head. Eddie came back out a few minutes later wearing a red polo, jeans, and his hair was fixed.

“You ready?” Eddie picked up his keys.

“What did I say, Eds?” Richie asked, and Eddie looked at him as he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Later,” he said. “I’ll tell you later.” Richie opened his mouth to protest, but Eddie just shook his head, and Richie dropped it. He went back to the couch, grabbed his shoes and shoved them on his feet. He realized that he probably smelled, but there wasn’t much he could do about that, so he just raked his fingers through his hair and followed Eddie to the car.

They were quiet on the way to Richie’s but Eddie grabbed Richie’s arm before he got out.

“Promise me you’ll text me if you need anything,” Eddie said, and Richie just looked down at his friend, confused.

He wanted to say something witty back, but nothing came to him, so he just said, “Ok.” He grabbed his bag and closed the door.

This morning there was no one outside, but there were also far less cars outside. Suddenly Richie remembered it was Sunday and wondered if A. anyone was home, and B. how much shit he was going to get for not going to church.

He walked up the path and knocked on the door. No one answered. Richie turned back to the street and Eddie was still there. Richie shrugged and turned back to the door to try again. Nothing.

“No one home?” Eddie asked, and then someone drove up. Church was apparently out. Eddie waved and took off.

“Good to see the heathen is awake,” Richie’s dad said, laughing as he came up the walk.

“Hey, dad,” Richie said as his dad unlocked the door. He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten church.

“You eat?” His dad asked.

“Yeah, I had some eggs,” Richie said. Richie’s dad grunted a little and he followed him in. The others came trickling in over the next fifteen minutes, but he busied himself in the bathroom taking the fastest shower ever and tugging on some clean jeans and a button up shirt. He shoved his dirty clothes in his suitcase and put it back in his room before heading down to the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it isn't the happiest note to be left on, but i don't feel like as much of an asshole leaving you here for a week than i would have if i'd left you at ch 2.
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr: benhanscomisnotstraight


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: discussion of suicide, grief, mentions of alcoholism

The day was awful. Some of Richie’s cousins went to visit his mom, so he had to stick around the house, and it didn’t seem to matter where he went, he was in the way or an annoyance in general. Finally he gave up and went out front. He pulled his phone out and scrolled through Facebook wondering how much longer he would have to wait before he could call an Uber without it being rude.

His phone dinged with a message from Eddie nearly forty minutes later.

_Eddie 5:11 pm: Hey, you doing ok?_   
_Richie 5:11 pm: …_   
_Richie 5:12 pm: Not really. Trying to figure out if it’s too early to go to the hotel._   
_Eddie 5:15 pm: Wanna get some food?_   
_Richie 5:16 pm: Sure._   
_Eddie 5:17 pm: Be there in 10._

Richie put his phone back in his pocket and went back in to find Grace and get his bag.

Rachel found him first.

“Hey, Richie!” She gave him a big hug. “Are you going to stay for dinner?” 

“Um, you know, I would love to, but I’ve got to get going,” Richie said, and Rachel frowned. “How about I take you and your family out one night this week though?”

“Ok!” She said brightening up. She threw her arms around his shoulders and gave him a huge kiss on his cheek.

“Goodnight, kiddo,” Richie said, setting her down.

“Night!” She called and rushed off. Grace came up to him a few minutes later.

“Hey, I gotta get going,” Richie said and Grace nodded.

“I don’t know how you’re going to get through the rest of the week,” she said, and Richie nodded in agreement.

“Oh, by the way, I’m taking you, your husband, and your kids out to dinner sometime this week,” he said and she looked at him, a little surprised. “Rachel gave me the puppy dog eyes.”

“Ah,” Grace said. “She’s good at that.” Grace paused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Not unless you have the cure for cancer,” he said.

“Oh, shucks, I must have left that at home.” They laughed even though it wasn’t that funny. “Where are you staying?”

“The Townhouse,” Richie said.

“Oh, my friend runs that place,” Grace said. “It’s not bad.” Richie hugged her as his phone rang.

“What was that for?” She asked. Richie shrugged.

“Cause you’re not the worst,” he said winking, as he answered his phone.

“Hey, I’m here,” Eddie said.

“Be right out,” Richie said shoving his phone in his pocket. With a little wave to Grace, he grabbed his bags and snuck out without anyone noticing. Eddie was parked more in the street than not, and scrolling through stuff on his phone. Richie tapped Eddie’s trunk and Eddie popped it open. Richie threw his bags in and got in the front seat. Eddie set his phone down in one of the cupholders between them and smiled at him a little.

“Hey,” Richie said.

“Hey,” Eddie said. “Food?”

“Food,” Richie agreed. “You said something about a diner yesterday? I’m assuming there is pie.”

“Sure is, best in town,” Eddie said. They drove in silence except for the radio. They got to the diner a few minutes later, and Eddie led the way inside. Some of the waitstaff greeted him, but their eyes lingered on Richie. _Ugh,_ Richie thought to himself. The last thing he wanted was to have to deal with fans he couldn’t escape.

“Heya, Eddie,” a man said, walking over to them. “Usual spot?”

“Please,” Eddie said, and they followed the waiter to a seat near the back.

“Coffee?” The man asked, handing them menus, and both men nodded.

“Thanks,” Richie said as the waiter nodded and walked away. Richie opened his menu. “What’s good here?”

Eddie didn’t say anything for a moment, and then let out a long sigh. “Um, I like everything,” he said. “I usually either get the pancake combo or a burger.” Richie nodded and looked through the menu while Eddie picked at the little paper holder for the silverware.

“Is everything ok?” Richie asked.

“Yeah,” Eddie said after a long pause.

“You seem distracted,” Richie said as the waiter brought back their coffees.

“Ready to order?” The waiter asked. Richie looked at Eddie, who put on a small smile.

“I’ll just have the pancake combo,” Eddie said.

“Eggs over medium?”

“Please,” Eddie said, handing up his menu.

“And you?” The waiter asked Richie who just stared at Eddie for a moment.

“Bacon cheeseburger, please,” Richie said. “Medium, seasoned fries.”

“Anything else?”

Richie looked up at the waiter. “Can I have a chocolate milkshake too? When the food comes out?” The waiter nodded as he took their menus. “Oh, and creamer when you get a chance.”

“Alright, be right back,” the waiter said.

Richie watched Eddie for a minute. “What’s going on?”

“Hmm?” Eddie asked and shook his head. “Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Liar,” Richie said and Eddie sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

“Later,” Eddie promised. “Let’s just eat first.” Richie rolled his eyes as the waiter came back with the creamer. After adding some to his coffee, he pulled out his phone and began scrolling through Facebook again. He hardly ever posted anything, but when he was bored, he liked to scroll through and see what his friends were doing. He had one set up for fans, but someone from his agency ran it for the most part, which was fine with Richie.

When the food came, Richie put his phone down and sat up a little straighter.

“Thanks,” Eddie and Richie said as the waiter set the food in front of them.

“I’ll be back to check on you in a bit,” the waiter said. They ate in silence. Well, Richie ate and Eddie picked at his food. He never had much of an appetite when shit was really hitting the fan. When Richie was done, the waiter came back.

“Can I get you any dessert or anything?” He asked.

“Can we get some peach pie and some chocolate pie to go?” Richie asked.

“Sure, one check or two?” The waiter asked.

“One,” Richie said as Eddie said, “Two.”

“One,” Richie repeated and pulled out his wallet handing over his card.

“You got it,” the waiter said and walked off.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Eddie said.

“It’s nothing,” Richie said as he slurped up the last of his milkshake until it made that annoying bubbling sound. Eddie shook his head, laughing a little.

“You’re so gross,” Eddie said and Richie stopped with a shrug.

“I’m just really good at sucking,” Richie said and winked.

“I can see that,” Eddie said and Richie opened his mouth to say something, but the waiter came back with the two styrofoam boxes of pie and the receipt.

“It was good seeing you, Eddie,” the waiter said, and Eddie nodded.

“You too,” he said quietly. The waiter squeezed Eddie’s shoulder as he walked away, his fingers lingering a little. Richie raised his eyebrow at Eddie.

“What was that about?” Richie asked. Eddie shrugged.

“Nothing,” he said and got up taking the pie. Richie followed close behind. They got in the car and Eddie started driving.

“Where are we going?” Richie asked when they drove past the hotel.

“Back to my place,” Eddie said and hesitated a little. “If that’s ok.”

“It’s fine if you tell me what the fuck is going on,” Richie said.

“Fair enough,” Eddie said. They fell silent again until they got back to Eddie’s. “Want anything to drink?” Eddie asked as they walked into the apartment.

“No, thanks,” Richie said and sat down on the couch. Eddie grabbed a couple forks and sat down next to Richie. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“You asked about Stan yesterday, and I changed the subject,” Eddie said. Richie nodded. He didn’t like where this was going. “There’s no easy way to say this, but-”

“He died,” Richie interrupted, trying to make it easier, and Eddie made a face.

“Yeah,” he breathed. Richie’s chest tightened a little.

“How?” He asked through the knot in his throat which made it hard to talk. And breathe. And think in general.

“He- he killed himself,” Eddie said quietly, and Richie’s heart sank. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Stanley Uris had been such a good friend; quiet and hesitant in some instances, but a good friend. A good person really. He didn’t deserve it.

“Oh,” Richie said and then suddenly remembered his comment from before about killing himself. “Well, fuck me.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said.

“When?”

“About a year ago,” Eddie said. “We were close.” He paused. “He was the first one to encourage me to go to AA,” Eddie said. “I didn’t even see it coming. None of us did.” He looked so sad, looked like he was going to cry, and Richie wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull Eddie close, but didn’t know if Eddie wanted that, so he didn’t do anything, couldn’t do anything.

“Why- Did he-” Richie started, and stopped. He didn’t know what he was saying, didn’t know what was appropriate to ask. He didn’t know how to feel. He hadn’t talked to or even thought about Stan in years, and yet he felt the world was a little bit darker, if that was even possible with everything that was going on.

“I didn’t want to tell you with your mom and everything, but…” Eddie said.

“But I wasn’t going to make it easy to let go,” Richie said. “I’m sorry about my comment before.”

“Richie Tozier apologizing for something he said?” Eddie teased, and Richie rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, don’t get used to it,” Richie said, laughing a little and squeezing Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie smiled at him and sighed. Richie took one of the forks. “Ready for pie?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, opening one of the boxes. Richie grabbed the remote and turned on the TV as he grabbed the other box. He put on the show that Eddie had the night before and they leaned back, closer this time, but still not touching. When they were done with the pie, they just put their empty containers and forks onto the coffee table and stretched back. Richie wished he knew what to say. Everything was just so fucked, and he just felt flat, like nothing he said would matter.

And Eddie was so close, and even though they hadn’t even talked in years, he didn’t think he’d ever felt farther from Eddie. At one point he looked over at his friend to see he wasn’t even watching the TV, just staring down at his hands, tears trailing down his cheeks.

“Eddie?” Richie asked, and Eddie slowly looked over at him. Richie pulled his friend close, held him tight, but didn’t say anything. He knew nothing would help.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said through a hiccuping sob, twisting his fingers into Richie’s t-shirt, gripping so tightly. “I didn’t mean- I didn’t want-” But Richie just squeezed him tighter. “I’m such a fucking pussy.” Richie huffed.

“Fuck that,” he said, pulling away. “You’re not. One of your best friends killed himself, and then another you haven’t talked to in years shows up in your fucking car because his mother’s dying and you don’t even fucking hesitate to help him. That’s not being a pussy. You’re not a pussy. You’re doing your best, just like the rest of us.”

“But it’s not enough, it’s never fucking enough,” Eddie said, and Richie put his hand on the back of Eddie’s neck pulling his head close, putting their foreheads together trying with all his might to make Eddie really hear what he was about to say.

“It’s not your fault that Stan died,” Richie said. Eddie opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a strangled sob. “It’s not your responsibility to take care of me. You’re allowed to take some fucking space for your grief.” Richie pulled him into a hug and Eddie clung to him, his fingers twisting back into Richie’s shirt as he sobbed, and Richie just sat there crying, too, because he was just so tired of death and darkness and he didn’t want this for his friends. After a while, Eddie’s sobs slowed and eventually stopped, but his fingers gripped tightly to Richie’s shoulders still. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Do you want me to stay?” Richie asked. He didn’t want to leave Eddie like this, didn’t want to be alone himself. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep in a strange hotel alone, that this new news would just eat away at him.

“You don’t have to,” Eddie said as he slowly sat up and wiped his face with the inside of his shirt. “I’ll be fine.” Richie just watched him.

“And what if I wanted to stay?” Richie asked.

“You paid for the room already,” Eddie reminded him, and Richie shrugged.

“I don’t care,” he said. “I won’t be able to sleep there anyway.”

“Alright,” Eddie said after a few minutes. “Keys are on the bookshelf by the door if you want to go get your bags.” He got up headed to the bathroom. “I have to pee.” Richie got up a minute later and went out to the car. After grabbing his bags, he hesitated at the base of the stairs. When Grace had called him last week, he didn’t think things could get any worse, but of course the shit was just gonna keep on coming. Slowly he went back up to the apartment and found Eddie in the kitchen washing the forks.

“Hey,” Richie said. “Where-?”

“You can put your stuff here,” Eddie said reading his mind. He went over to a corner with a side table. He picked up the books and magazines on top of it and shoved them onto another bookshelf messily.

“Wow,” Richie said, setting his bags down.

“What?” Eddie asked.

“I didn’t know you could be so messy,” Richie said, and Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Oh, shut up,” he laughed. “I’d like to see your apartment.”

“Oh, I never claimed to not be a trash panda,” Richie said, and Eddie rolled his eyes again, but surprised Richie by pulling him into a tight but brief hug.

“Thanks,” he whispered as he let Richie go. “I have to get to bed, I work early. Help yourself to whatever. Clean towels are in the hall closet.”

“Thanks,” Richie said as he watched his friend disappear into his bedroom. He wished he could be brave enough to follow him, to lay in the bed next to him and just hold him close, pretend like he was his, even if only for a night.

Instead, he grabbed some clean pajamas from his suitcase and went to the bathroom to change. When he came back out, Ray was sitting on the back of the couch waiting for him. He   
stretched out on the couch, and the cat jumped onto his chest, purring before he even settled. Richie scratched behind his ear, making the cat purr even louder.

“You’re such a good cat,” Richie whispered. The cat meowed. “Yes, yes you are,” he said in a high pitched voice saved for small animals and babies. The cat meowed again and Richie laughed. “Let’s get some sleep.” This time Ray just scooted up Richie’s chest, shoved his face into the crook of Richie’s neck, and purred. Richie sighed and closed his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

Richie woke up the next morning as Eddie was trying to make his coffee quietly without turning on any lights.

“Eddie?” Richie called and Eddie dropped his cup, cursing.

“Fuck,” he growled. “Yeah, Richie?” He asked.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to not wake you up,” Eddie said. “And doing a great job of it.” After putting on his glasses, Richie got up and turned on the light. The counter and floor were covered in coffee. “Fucking great.”

“Here,” Richie said, walking to the kitchen to get the paper towels.

“You don’t have to do that,” Eddie said, and Richie shrugged as he knelt to wipe up the mess.

“It’s the least I can do,” he explained, and Eddie just shrugged as he turned back to the coffee pitcher.

“I was going to leave you some, but if I don’t leave now I am going to be late,” Eddie said.

“Now we can’t have that, can we?” Richie asked, smiling up at Eddie who just shook his head, laughing.

“Spare key is in the dish on the bookshelf. Lock up before you leave,” Eddie said and left quickly. Richie waved in his general direction as he cleaned up the coffee while Ray watched him from a chair.

Once everything was clean, Richie washed his hands in the sink, and went to the fridge to see what there was to eat. Richie smiled. There were different fruits, vegetables, some ground turkey, bread, some lunch meat, and cheese, along with a lot of different condiments and jellies. On a good day, Richie’s own fridge had old take out boxes, cheese that is just this side of moldy, and jelly Richie couldn’t remember buying and was worried might kill him.

Richie pulled out some bread, butter, and jelly to make toast. Ray jumped up on the counter and sat staring up at Richie.

“Are you supposed to be up here?” Richie asked and Rey let out a small meow. “That’s what I thought.” Richie sighed. “Well, I won’t tell if you don’t tell.” Ray _merrped_ and Richie laughed, scritching the cat behind his ear.

After breakfast, Richie pulled on his shoes, grabbed his phone, and the spare key so he could go for a walk through Derry. The less time he had to spend with his family, the better. It was overcast, and he groaned, hoping it wasn’t going to snow. Squelchy shoes were the last thing he wanted that day.

Eddie lived on the other side of town from where they had played together as kids and later hung out as teenagers, so he decided to walk up Main Street to see what changed, and maybe see if he could find somewhere to get coffee.

The town wasn’t exactly busy, but there were a lot of people going about their day, shopping, heading to work, and so forth. Richie didn’t recognize most of the people, but he was unsurprised to see that some things hadn’t changed. Like the Center Street Drugstore was still run by Mr. Keene, and it looked like his daughter was still there, chewing gum and popping it annoyingly.

_Probably the same piece from high school,_ Richie thought to himself, shaking his head. There was no way in the world he was going in there, for anything. He kept walking. A lot of the businesses had changed, and there were a fair amount of stores with shuttered windows.

And then he saw it, a little coffee shop called Derry Coffee Stop. _So original,_ Richie thought but went in anyway. He wasn’t about to turn down coffee when he didn’t know if there was any other coffee shop in town. The coffee shop was split up into two rooms. The front room had the coffee bar and register, along with some smaller tables and chairs. There were all sorts of loose teas and pastries on the counter. To the left of the counter was an old-looking fridge with a sign that listed the different drinks within (mostly juices and some mineral water) and their prices. The second room had shelves lined with books, magazines, and board games. There were bigger tables and chairs, along with some couches. Nothing in either room matched, all of them clearly third and fourth hand, and Richie wondered if they’d gotten their furniture at the same place Eddie had.

There was a small line of people in front of him, so he just shoved his hands into his pockets and stared up at the menu hoping for some cold brew, and like a miracle, it was listed. It was expensive, but listed. Drink decided, Richie pulled out his phone and started to scroll through Facebook. He wondered if there was somewhere he could get a new phone in town and chuckled a little to himself. _Derry have that type of electronics store? That’d be something to see,_ he thought to himself as the person in front of him gathered up their things to leave the counter.

“Thanks, Bill,” they said, and Richie’s head shot up. Before him stood Bill Denbrough.

“Bill!” Richie said and Bill’s face broke into a large grin.

“Trashmouth!” Bill said and came around the counter and pulled Richie into a huge hug. “Richie, jeeze, it’s good to see you.” Richie squeezed back tightly.

“Hey, how are you?” Richie asked as they pulled apart. Bill kept his hand on the back of Richie’s neck, squeezing gently.

“I’m great, just great,” Bill said. Someone behind Richie cleared their throat. There was no one behind the next customer.

“Here, go ahead,” Richie said and the person shoved past him. Richie rolled his eyes and pretended to look through the loose teas while Bill helped the customer. When they finally left, Richie rushed back to the main counter.

“I’m gonna go on break in about ten if you want to wait,” Bill said. “Just waiting for Paul to come in.”

“Sounds good,” Richie said.

“Do you want me to make you your drink now?”

“Sure,” Richie said. “Can I have a cold brew with heavy whipping cream?”

“You got it,” Bill said and walked away from the counter.

“How much-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Bill said, and Richie rolled his eyes.

“Aren’t you going to get in trouble?”

“Considering I own the shop, no,” Bill said, and Richie snorted. Bill came back a minute later with his drink.

“Thanks,” Richie said.

“You’re welcome,” Bill said as another customer walked up to the counter. Richie took his drink into the second room and found a smaller couch near the back. He sat down and pulled out his phone again, not sure what else to do.

A few minutes later, Bill came around the corner with a cup of tea and sat down next to Richie on the couch, putting a foot up on the coffee table. He leaned easily into Richie, his body close. Richie had forgotten how nice it was to just _sit_ with a friend, shoulders touching, nothing weird between them.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Richie asked and Bill smiled.

“I’m doing pretty good,” Bill said. “Been busy.”

“I heard,” Richie said. “You got married! And wrote two books?” Bill shrugged a little.

“Who told you?” Bill asked, laughing.

“Eddie,” Richie said. “I’ve stayed with him since I got back into town.”

“Of course,” Bill laughed and slapped Richie’s knee, squeezing a little. “I should have known the Dynamic Duo would get back together.”

“Jeeze, you make it sound like we planned it,” Riche said, laughing.

“You didn’t?” Bill asked, and Richie told him what happened.

“Wow, that is something,” Bill said, laughing. Richie shrugged, and they fell silent. “I heard about your mom.” He stared at his tea grounds. Richie bit his lip and shrugged. “My wife’s one of the nurses that takes care of her the most.” Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Bill put his hand on Richie’s forearm.

“What’s her name?”

“Audra,” Bill said.

“I met her,” Richie said. “She seemed nice.”

“She’s very nice,” Bill said squeezing Richie’s forearm. “Look, I gotta get back, but what are you doing tonight?” Richie shrugged.

“Probably nothing other than avoiding my family.” Bill smiled a little sadly.

“You should come over for dinner,” Bill said. “Audra has the night off, we’re having pork chops.” Richie made a non-committal noise. “I can see if Mike, Ben, and Bev can come. You have to see Ben and Bev’s kid, they are so freaking cute.”

“And Eddie?”

“I thought that was a given,” Bill said. Richie shrugged a little.

“Maybe… If Eddie wants to go,” Richie said. The thought of being back with his friends from high school was simultaneously comforting and disturbing. He had no idea if any of them had been following his career, and couldn’t decide if it was worse that they did and knew he was gay, or that they didn’t and he would have to tell them. At this point, he didn’t really care if they knew; it had been so long since he’d seen any of them, and he didn’t _really_ care what they thought.

Except he did, because how could he not?

“Here’s my number,” Bill said as he wrote his number on the back of one of the shop’s business cards. “Text me either way. Even if you’re not up to everyone, it would be good to see you.”

“Thanks,” Richie said in a small voice as he shoved the card in his pocket.

“Any time,” Bill said as he collected their cups and left with a nod. Richie took that as his cue to leave, got up and went back outside. It had gotten colder, a storm was definitely coming in, and he cursed himself for not thinking to bring a jacket. He forgot how cold it got in Maine. In California it was still in the mid to high 80s most days. He zipped his hoodie up and shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked down the street and all the way back to his childhood home.

Again, there were less cars, but that was to be expected because it was a Monday and most of his family had school or work. He knocked on the door, and waited. A few minutes later his dad came huffing to the door.

“Richie, glad you could grace us with your presence,” his dad said, moving aside so Richie could come in.

“Hey, dad,” he said in a small voice. They went into the living room where his dad was watching another football game.

“I’m gonna go visit your ma after lunch,” his dad said after a minute. Richie nodded and pulled out his phone. He didn’t know what to say, never had. His dad had never been one for conversation, and time hadn’t changed that. As a kid, any time he opened his mouth, he usually saw the back of a hand, and so he’d just _stopped_ talking to his dad. None of the witty banter or snide comments meant anything, and he grew tired of wasting his time when he was younger.

Sometimes he wondered how others did it, had families they actually _liked_ and could stand. That accepted them for who they were. A couple of his relationships had actually ended because of this, but Richie would _never_ admit he broke up with someone because his family invited Richie to be a part of theirs.

An hour went by without either of them saying anything. Richie thought about texting someone but didn’t know what to say. Most of his friends didn’t know his ma was sick, much less that he’d left LA. He sighed and got up to get some water from the kitchen. His text alert went off, and when Richie pulled out his phone, he smiled a little. It was Eddie.

_Eddie 11:13 am: Hey, Bill just texted asking if we wanted to come to dinner. I take it you found his coffee shop._   
_Richie 11:14 am: Yeah, I decided to walk through town instead of Ubering. Didn’t know he worked there, just knew better than to pass up coffee._   
_Eddie 11:17 am: He actually bought it with his first book money. For whatever reason, he loves it here._   
_Richie 11:18 am: Crazy._   
_Eddie 11:23 am: Crazy._   
_Eddie 11:24 am: So, do you want to go?_

Richie hesitated for a minute. Of course he _wanted_ to. The real question was would he have enough energy post hospital? He suspected not, but wouldn’t it be better to have something to look forward to?

Although, would it be the reprieve he wanted?

“Jesus Christ on a cracker, when did I become such a fucking pussy?” He muttered as he began to push buttons.

_Richie 11:29 am: Sure, but only with the understanding that we leave when I want to leave._   
_Eddie 11:33 am: You got it._

Richie got a plastic cup and filled it from the tap. He drank slowly, and when it was gone he got another. Almost a full minute later, Eddie texted him again.

_Eddie 11:34 am: What is our safeword?_   
_Richie 11:35 am: ??!_   
_Eddie 11:37 am: Safeword. Code word that means ‘stop’._   
_Richie 11:38 am: I know what a safeword is, but how do you?!_   
_Eddie 11:41: Well, either BDSM verbage has become mainstream, or there are a lot of things you don’t know about me, Richie Tozier._

And then Richie imagined them in Eddie’s room, Richie handcuffed to the bed in padded handcuffs while Eddie-

Richie’s father came into the kitchen and Richie jerked and dropped his cup. He blushed crimson as his father stood in the doorway watching him.

“Are you ready?” His dad asked as Richie bent over to pick up the cup and set it on the counter. Richie nodded and cleared his throat a couple of times as he grabbed some paper towels.

“Yeah,” he said as he wiped up the little water that had been in his cup. He tossed the paper towels into the trash and followed his dad out to the car. They drove to the hospital in silence.

Audra was just about to go off duty when Richie and his dad got out of the elevator. She walked over to Richie with a small smile. Richie’s dad barely looked at her, but she didn’t seem to care.

“Billy told me you and the rest of all your friends are coming for dinner,” she said, and Richie bristled a little at the thought of Bill talking about him behind his back. Well, not behind his back so much as with him, Richie, not present even though he knew Bill would have _nothing_ bad to say about him. “It’ll be nice to see the others, and get my hands on Ben and Bev’s baby,” Audra said, and Richie smiled.

“So, you like babies?” He asked. Audra smiled and nodded. “Can’t say I do,” Richie admitted. “Tiny, smelly, so needy.” He paused. “Just like me.” Audra laughed and Richie smiled.

“Well, I think you’ll like Sara. She’s got just about everyone wrapped around her finger.”

“Hey! Nurse!” Richie’s dad yelled and both of them jumped-Richie a lot, Audra a little. Richie opened his mouth to tell him off, but Audra spoke first.

“Yes, Mr. Tozier?” She called and walked closer to him. “How can I help you?”

“If you’re not too busy gossiping with my son, my wife would like some ice chips,” he growled.

“I’ll be right in,” Audra said, and Richie’s dad _humphed_ at them as he went back into Richie’s ma’s room.

“Sorry about that,” Richie said in a low voice. “I would try to make some excuse about him being worried about my ma, and that’s why he’s acting like he is, but they raised me not to lie, so he is always a douche canoe, and it has absolutely _nothing_ to do with you. Although, I don’t know how that’s supposed to help, but there you go.” Audra smiled at him.

“Don’t worry about it, Richie,” she said in a soft voice. “You better get in there. I have to do a few things before I can get the ice.” Richie nodded and twisted towards the door. He _really did not_ want to go in there alone, but knew there wasn’t much time and every moment was precious.

His ma looked smaller and paler than before, but she perked up a little when she saw her son.

“Richie,” she breathed, and waved her hand for him to come sit next to her. He walked around his dad who had put another football game on, and Richie just shook his head a little. He didn’t know how his dad could possibly want to spend these last few hours with his ma watching a football game, but he just clenched his jaw and kept his mouth shut because he didn’t want to upset his ma. He took her hand and squeezed so, so gently as he sat next to her. He didn’t want to hurt her when he knew she was already in considerable pain.

Audra came in a few minutes later with some ice chips.

“Hello, Mrs. Tozier,” Audra said. Richie’s ma shook her head, no, and tried to wheeze something. “Maggie, of course,” Audra said gently. She handed the cup to Richie who looked up at her confused. “Spoon one or two in her mouth at a time,” she explained, pointing at the spoon.

“Oh.” He scooped up a chip with the spoon and hesitated again.

“Here,” Audra said patiently and took the spoon. She held it up to his ma’s lips where she opened her mouth, and Richie watched it disappear. “One or two when she asks.” 

Richie nodded and took the spoon back, glad to have some direction, some sense of purpose, even if it was only for a few minutes. Audra checked his ma over and left them a few minutes later. Richie’s ma squeezed his hand tighter than he thought she should be able to. He smiled at her even though she sat with her eyes shut tightly. Looking over at his dad, Richie was so glad he had come to visit, because she knew he was there, knew she wasn’t alone, and that would have to be enough.

The three of them sat there for the next few hours in silence except for the TV and suddenly Richie felt five years old again, sitting with his parents as they watched stuff on TV Richie didn’t care about. Except now Richie’s ma just lay back, eyes closed, whereas when he was a kid, she usually crocheted, or cross stitched, or did some mending. She was so creative, he still didn’t _really_ understand how she had gotten together with his dad.

After his ma had fallen into a light sleep, Richie’s dad turned and looked at him.

“We better be getting back,” the older man said as a commercial on TV advertised some new crappie movie Richie gave zero fucks about.

“Your team losing?” Richie asked before he could stop himself, and his dad glared at him.

“Don’t be a smartass.” Richie just rolled his eyes, but set the cup of melted ice chips on the bedside table. He got up and kissed his ma’s hair.

“Love you,” he whispered, brushing back some of her wispy hair. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” His ma made a small murmur that he chose to believe was her saying, _I love you, too. I can’t wait for tomorrow to come. Oh how I’ve missed you, Richie._

When he stood up, he was a little surprised to find himself alone with his ma. _Maybe this is affecting him,_ he thought to himself.

_Then again, maybe he’s just sad he’s losing his live-in maid he didn’t have to pay,_ another, crueler voice thought. He huffed a little at his joke that didn’t really feel like a joke, and followed his dad out into the hall.

The ride home was more uncomfortable than the ride to the hospital, but Richie just tried to focus on the next task ahead: dinner with his friends.

He knew they would probably understand if he bailed at the last minute, but then he remembered Audra’s face when she talked about them all. Going to see them was the right thing to do.

Besides, Eddie had already agreed to leave whenever he was ready. Suddenly, he remembered the messages from earlier and laughed a little. He pulled out his phone as they walked in the house to text Eddie.

_Richie 4:57 pm: Hey, I’m free whenever. And when I say free whenever…_   
_Richie 4:58 pm: I MEAN COME RESCUE ME NOW!_

“Are you staying for dinner?” His dad asked, making him jump a little.

“Uh, no. My friends from high school are going to make dinner, and we’re going to catch up.” His dad shrugged and got a beer out of the fridge. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He started to wonder if he should feel guilty, and then Richie’s dad grunted again as he opened his beer.

“Well, nothing new there,” he growled. “Wouldn’t want to put you out. Not like your ma is dying.”

“Right,” Richie said before he could stop himself. “Because me staying to watch football in this fucking house where everyone insults me and treats me like fucking shit is going to save ma!”

“You watch your mouth,” Richie’s dad said. “You’re not too old to smack.”

“I’d like to see you try, old man,” Richie said as the front door opened. “Better go watch another football game. Wouldn’t want the family to see what you’re _really_ like.” Richie’s dad opened his mouth and closed it again.

“Hey, we’re here!” Rachel called and her face lit up when she saw Richie. She squealed and rushed over to him, throwing her arms around him. Richie pulled her close, still glaring over her shoulder at his dad. Grace came in and looked between the two men, eyebrows raised. His dad went into the living room and turned on the TV.

“Rachel, sweetie, how about you go get started on your homework?” Grace called, tugging off her jacket and adjusting her sweater. She hung her jacket on the hook next to the door.

“Aww, do I have to?” Rachel whined, and Richie smiled.

“Rachel,” Grace warned.

“Oh, alright!” Rachel squeezed Richie again and he set her down. She and her brothers were wearing private school uniforms. Richie’d almost forgotten they went to Catholic school. Shuddering a little, he watched the little girl as she went to the kitchen and opened her bag to pull out a folder.

“What the _fuck_ did we walk in on?” Grace hissed once Rachel was out of earshot.

“Do you care if I stay for dinner?” Richie asked.

“What?”

“Do you care if I stay for dinner?” Richie asked slower.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?” Grace asked brusquely.

“No!” Richie snapped. “Why would I when most of our family hates me?” Grace raised her eyebrow a little, clearly not getting the issue. “ _He_ thinks me leaving is some sort of betrayal.” Grace sighed.

“Ok.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him up the stairs to his room, closing the door behind them. “Richie, you are a grown-ass man. You’re thirty! You don’t need my permission not to stay here and get abused by our shitty ass family.” Richie sighed.

“I know,” he said. “I just-”

“Felt guilty because your father is a master manipulator,” Grace finished for him. Sighing, Richie crossed his arms over his chest. “Ignore him. He’s _not_ worth it.”

“I just don’t fucking need this.”

“No. You don’t. So get out of here before anyone else gets here and while Rachel is distracted. And if your dad notices, I’ll deal with it.”

“I don’t need you to fight my battles for me, Grace,” Richie said and Grace just glared at him.

“I can still kick your ass, Richie Tozier!” She threatened, putting her hands on her hips. Richie rolled his eyes.

“Why does everyone in our family want to kick my ass?” Grace shook her head and opened the door.

“Get out of here,” she whispered and left before he could respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought about posting two chapters this week because sad, and the next chapter is a kiss, but i'm just feeling low spoons, so only one chapter. bUT KISS NEXT WEEK! :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: panic attack, mentions of past abuse

Richie sighed and pulled his phone out of his pocket to text Eddie.

_Richie 5:07 pm: Hey, don’t worry about the ride. Headed to the library on foot. Be there in about twenty._

He went to shove his phone back in his pocket, but paused when he thought about Bill. He pulled the card out and looked at it for a minute. Still clutching the phone and card, he shoved both his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and went down the stairs. He almost called out a goodbye, but bit his tongue at the last moment. He just wanted to get the fuck out.

When he got to the corner of the street, Richie pulled out his phone and the card. He punched in Bill’s number so he could text him.

_Richie 5:11 pm: Hey Bill, Richie here. You need me and Eddie to bring anything for dinner?_

He paused looking down at the message. _Me and Eddie._ It just looked so natural. He jumped a little when his phone went off with a text from Eddie.

_Eddie 5:12 pm: Ok. I get off around six, but you can sit in the back with me._  
_Richie 5:13 pm: Ok._

He repocketed his phone and the card. He walked down the road taking deep breaths. He found it easier to breathe with each step he put between him and his childhood home. When he got to the library, he was cold and tired, but maybe there would be coffee in the breakroom. He opened the door to the library and looked around, a little shocked.

It was weird. The library had totally changed in a way that the rest of Derry hadn’t. Mike had clearly been busy. There were computers and new desks. The shelves looked like they’d been painted fairly recently. A lot of the books looked the same, but he could see a table with an assortment of LGBTQ books with a large sign announcing National Coming Out Day on October 11th. That was something that would never have happened when they were kids. Richie could even recognize a few covers, both new and old literature available.

A kid at one of the computers looked up from their work, saw Richie, and their mouth dropped open. A fan. Richie walked past them and went to the Reference Desk.

“Hey, can you tell Eddie Kaspbrak I'm here,” Richie said, still looking over his shoulder, ready to bolt if the kid came over.

“Richie?” The man behind the counter said. Richie looked back and it was his turn for his mouth to drop open.

“Mike?” Richie asked, and the man got up smiling so widely. For a moment, Richie’s heart hurt a little. He missed everyone so much suddenly he could barely stand it.

“Come on back,” Mike said, lifting up a part of a moveable counter. Richie walked behind the counter and Mike pulled him into a tight, tight hug. “It’s so good to see you.” They let go.

“It’s good to see you, too.” Richie squeezed Mike’s arm. People were turning to stare, a lot of them talking in low whispers. Mike ignored them and led Richie to the back where Eddie sat rebinding a book.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” Mike said and Eddie glanced up.

“Hey, Richie, give me just a minute,” he said. He added a few more rubber bands to the book and stood up, stretching. “Hey, how’d it go?” Eddie asked as he sat back down. Richie made a fart noise as he made a thumbs down. Eddie sighed a little. Richie’s phone went off and he pulled it out. It was Bill.

_Bill 5:31 pm: Hey, Richie! I’m glad you’re coming. Don’t worry about bringing anything. Tell Eddie we’ll be ready around 7:30._  
_Bill 5:31 pm: Unless you have any food allergies or don’t eat meat or cheese._  
_Richie 5:32 pm: Lol why wouldn’t I eat meat?_  
_Eddie 5:33 pm: Vegetarians and vegans exist! Lol_  
_Richie 5:34 pm: Yeah, well, they are nightmares. Lol_  
_Richie 5:34 pm: See you in a few hours._

His heart pounded in his chest as he put his phone back in his pocket and Eddie looked up at him.

“Bill said to be there at 7:30, but we don’t have to bring anything,” Richie said. He looked over at Mike suddenly unsure of what to say, what to do. This week was so fucking weird, he could barely handle it. “I saw the LGBTQ table for National Coming Out Day,” Richie blurted out.

“Oh, yeah,” Mike said. “Eddie put that together.” Richie looked over at Eddie who shrugged.

“It was nothing. We’ve had to fix it almost every day,” he admitted, blushing. “Someone keeps knocking stuff over and putting Bibles on the table.” Richie sighed.

“That sucks. I guess some things never _really_ change,” Richie said and Eddie shrugged.

“It’s not so bad,” Mike said softly. Richie looked between them. He was clearly not getting something. Someone rang a bell at the front counter. “I better get back out there. Tell Bill that Nathan and I will be there when he gets off work.”

“Nathan?” Richie asked.

“My husband. We got married a few years ago,” Mike said. The bell rang again and Mike gestured an apology as he left Richie to just stare after him.

“What the _actual_ fuck?” Richie asked and Eddie snickered, rolling his eyes.

“You think you are the only queer one in the group?” Eddie asked.

“Well, I mean- fuck,” he laughed. “I don’t even fucking-” He shook his head.

“Richie,” Eddie said softly. Richie looked over at him and waited. Eddie opened his mouth to say something and stopped himself. He cleared his throat. “Did Bill ask us to bring anything?”

“I just told you, no,” Richie said. Eddie checked the time.

“Sorry,” Eddie said, shaking his head a little. “Fuck it, let’s go.” He got up and went to a closet. Richie looked at the clock. It was 5:40.

“Eds,” Richie called, but Eddie was walking fast for someone with such short legs. Eddie burst out of the library and into the cool Maine fall air. Richie shivered. “Fucking Christ,” Richie said as they got in Eddie’s car. As soon as the car was on, Richie turned the heat on full blast.

“Cold, Tozier?” Eddie teased as Richie rubbed his hands together and blew into them.

“It’s like mid-eighties in LA still,” he said and Eddie shook his head.

“LA is turning you into a fucking wimp is what I’m hearing,” Eddie said.

“Wimp? Wimp?! I’ll show you wimp!” Richie said and threw himself across the car towards Eddie, pinning him against the door with his body as he began tickling him. Eddie yelped in surprise and began laughing loudly.

“Oh my gawd! Oh my gawd!” Eddie yelled through peals of laughter. There was no escape, Richie weighed more than him and the handle was in an awkward position for Eddie to reach and free himself. “Richie! Please! Stop! I’m going to piss myself! I’m going to fucking piss myself!”

“Say you’re sorry,” Richie yelled, not stopping.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie yelled, squirming.

“Say, ‘Richie is the manliest man to ever man,’” Richie said. Eddie squirmed more, still laughing as they bumped into the horn, honking it and making them both jump a little.

“Richie!” Eddie grunted. “Richie! Richie is…” Laughter. “Richie is the- the manliest man…” Laughter. “To- to- Oh my gawd, please stop. Please,” Eddie begged, tears running down his cheeks even as he laughed louder. Richie grabbed both of Eddie’s wrists and held them above his head.

“Say it!” Richie said as he tried to not think about how easy it would be to lean down and kiss Eddie who was under him, gasping for breath. Richie looked at him in the eyes, his face dipping forward despite himself.

“Richieisthemanliestmantoeverman!” Eddie yelled, the words coming out so fast it sounded like one. Richie jumped but smiled and pulled back, sitting in his seat. Both of them stared at each other, breathing hard, for several long moments as they tried to catch their breaths.

And then Richie and Eddie launched themselves at each other, their mouths smacking together so hard their teeth clinked. Richie’s glasses slid off his face and Eddie shoved them impatiently on the dashboard as he pushed himself closer to Richie to get a better angle.

They kissed until Eddie accidentally honked the horn and they both jumped causing Eddie to accidentally chomp down on Richie’s lip. They pulled apart slowly.

“Fuck!” Richie yelped, raising his hand to his lip, searching for blood.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said, putting his hand on one of Richie’s wrists. “Let me see.” Richie moved his hand but Eddie didn’t let go, his fingers not quite curling into Richie’s. “I think you’ll live,” Eddie said. Richie grabbed his glasses and flipped down the visor. He had a fat lip that was bleeding, a little, but he figured it wouldn’t be that bad. Eddie tugged his coat back into place and he tried to start the car again, but it was one of those new keyless cars, so he just turned it off.

“Oops,” Eddie chuckled nervously. He turned the car back on and then put it in reverse. Neither of them said anything on the ride back to Eddie’s, nor as they walked up the stairs. Eddie’s hands shook as he tried to unlock the door. Richie stamped a little impatiently until the door was open and Richie all but threw Eddie into the apartment. He pulled the keys out of the door and slammed the door closed. Eddie tugged out of his coat as Richie went over to him, his heart thudding in his chest.

“Should we talk first?” Eddie asked in a small voice as he dropped his coat onto the chair next to him. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

Logically, Richie knew they should probably talk, but then Eddie’s eyes met his, and Eddie grabbed fistfuls of his collar and pulled him down to kiss him. Pain shot through Richie’s mouth, and he pulled back.

“Be careful with my lip,” he whispered, but Eddie was already kissing his neck and unzipping Richie’s hoodie. Eddie pulled them towards the couch and Ray yowled and rushed off when Eddie tried to sit on him. Eddie stood back up, hands still wrapped around Richie’s collar. Richie laughed a little until Eddie pushed him back, breathing hard. Richie watched him for a minute and then remembered.

“Are you having an asthma attack?” Richie asked as he watched Eddie gasp for breath like he had so many times when they were kids. Eddie shook his head, no. “But-” Eddie got up and went to his bedroom slamming the door shut behind him. Richie looked around the room confused as Ray walked over to Eddie’s bedroom door and began clawing at it. Richie got up to pick him up, but then the door opened and he thought Eddie was coming back out, but no, no he was just letting the cat in.

Richie went back to the couch and sat down slowly. After fifteen minutes, he got up and went to Eddie’s door, knocking lightly.

“Hey, Eds?” Richie called. Silence and then he heard Eddie clear his throat.

“Come in,” Eddie called. Richie opened the door and found Eddie sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed petting Ray. His breathing had mostly returned to normal. Richie hesitated but then Eddie patted some empty space next to him, but was careful not to touch him as Richie sat down. Eddie remained silent for another few minutes, his focus solely on the cat.

“What the fuck, Eds?” Richie finally asked and Eddie groped for Richie’s hand without turning to look at him. This time he slipped his fingers through Richie’s and held tightly.

“Panic attack,” Eddie said in a small voice. Richie blinked.

“It wasn’t your asthma?”

“I never had asthma,” Eddie said leaning into Richie’s space, the angle uncomfortable for the both of them.

“But-”

“Anxiety. Brought on by my mother’s paranoia and abuse. Don’t you think it’s weird that I could run and swim and ride my bike just fine, but then as soon as someone mentioned my mother I suddenly couldn’t breathe?” Richie let go of Eddie’s hand and wrapped an arm around Eddie’s shoulder, pulling him back so he could lean against Richie’s chest.

“Is this- is this ok?” Richie asked and Eddie leaned back, his fingers idly playing with Richie’s.

“Yeah, thanks,” Eddie whispered. They sat in silence for a few minutes. “I had it mostly under control. It was really bad when I divorced my wife so I started going to therapy, and went on and off for a few years. I was really doing better but then Stan…” Richie gently stroked Eddie’s arm and Eddie yawned. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be an asshole,” Richie said and Eddie pulled away. Richie let him go, not wanting to add to his anxiety. “You don’t have to apologize for having a panic attack.” Eddie took another deep breath and let it out slowly as he leaned back against Richie.

“It’s just so fucking embarssing,” Eddie whispered. They fell silent again.

“So should we talk?” Richie finally asked. “Should we not talk and go about our day, pretend it never happened? Just chalk it up to both of us being stressed out of our _fucking_ minds?” Eddie took another deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Do _you_ want to pretend like it never happened?” Eddie asked in a low voice. Richie could feel the tension in his body. Richie cleared his throat.

“Honestly?” Richie asked. Eddie wiggled back a little, pulling Richie’s arm closer around his chest.

“Honestly,” Eddie said sleepily.

 _Honestly I’ve wanted this to happen for over half of our lives,_ Richie thought to himself but didn’t want to overwhelm Eddieany more than he already was. “Honestly, no. No, I don’t want to pretend like this never happened.”

Eddie rubbed his eye with his freehand. “Good, I don’t either,” he slurred.

“Good.” Richie squeezed him a little. Ray got up and crawled into Richie’s lap and Richie scritched him with his free hand. Richie was about to ask Eddie what they should do then, and then he heard a soft snore from the other man. Richie smiled a little, shaking his head. He dug his phone out of his pocket. After turning the volume down low, he put on some old movie as the cat curled up in his lap.

Eddie slept for almost an hour, and Richie was just about to wake him up, Eddie sat up with a snort.

“Wha- What?” He asked, rubbing his face. “What time?”

“It’s just after seven,” Richie said and Eddie tensed again.

“Did- did I have a panic attack while we were making out and then pass out on you?” Eddie asked, pulling away. Richie stretched a little, trying to work a kink out of his shoulder.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Richie said. Eddie groaned.

“Jesus fuck,” he said. “It’s those anti-anxiety pills. They always make me pass out.” He got up and went to the door. “Let me use the bathroom and then we can get going.” 

Richie got slowly to his feet, rubbing his lower back. He sighed and went to the front room to get another sweater from his suitcase, and shook his head. It was thin, too. He sighed as Eddie came out of the bathroom.

“You ready?” Eddie asked as he grabbed his jacket.

“Are you ok?” Richie asked as Eddie pulled it on.

“No,” Eddie said simply. “But I can pretend for a little while.” Richie sighed. “Don’t worry, we’ll talk tonight.” Richie rolled his eyes.

“So, what is our safeword?” Richie asked and Eddie shook his head, laughing.

“Let’s go.” They went down to Eddie’s car, but this time they managed not to rush at each other. They were silent on the ride to Bill’s. Richie just sat there thinking about how weird life was. That morning had started so different than now.

And then suddenly he realized he had kissed Eddie Kaspbrak. And Eddie kissed him back. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he tried desperately to _not_ think about the panic attack.

He must have made a noise or something because Eddie looked over at him.

“What?” Eddie asked.

“This trip is such a fucking roller coaster,” Richie said, laughing with a small shrug of his shoulders. Eddie smiled a little but said nothing as he pulled up to a house. In LA terms, it was small, but in Derry, it was huge. “Wow,” Richie said in a low voice. They sat and looked at the house for a few minutes. Eventually, Eddie reached across the space between them, took Richie’s hand, and squeezed gently. Richie looked back over his shoulder at him.

“Come on,” Richie said when he realized Eddie wasn’t going to move. Richie opened his door and Eddie let go of his hand. They walked up to the front door, and Richie knocked. The door opened a moment later.

“Eddie! Richie! Come in, come in!” Bill exclaimed as he pulled them both into a tight hug. Richie patted his shoulder and tugged free as soon as he could. “You two are the first ones here, come in, make yourselves at home.” Eddie tugged off his jacket and Richie pulled off one of his hoodies. They hung them up on the coat rack, and they followed Bill into the kitchen.

It was large, well lit, and warm. Everything smelled so wonderful. Audra was setting the table and Eddie went to the fridge to help himself to a soda.

“Want something?” Eddie asked.

“What is there?” Richie asked walking closer to his friend.

“Coke, Diet Coke, and mineral water,” Eddie said.

“Coke, please,” Richie said. Eddie pulled out a can and handed it to him as he grabbed a mineral water.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Eddie asked as he twisted open the water and took a drink.

“No, just sit and relax,” Audra said. She pointed to some stools next to a counter, and they went and sat as they watched Bill cooking.

“What are we having?” Richie asked after a minute or so.

“Pork chops, mashed potatoes, brown gravy, and corn,” Bill said, stirring something in a pot. “And for dessert, apple pie.” Richie’s mouth watered. So many of his favorite things.

“Sounds good,” Richie said. There was another pause. “So, Eddie tells me you wrote a book?”

“Three actually,” Bill said. “Working on a fourth.”

“Wow,” Richie said. “What are they about?”

“Oh, different things,” Bill said. “Mostly about Derry, I suppose, our childhood, things like that.” He paused. “My current book is a little different though. There’s a lot of camping involved.” The doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” Eddie said and got up leaving the rest of them.

“What kind of books do you write? Horror? Slice of life?” Richie asked.

“Horror,” Bill said. “I love a good scare.” He winked at Richie as the others came around the corner. Richie looked over and saw Bev carrying a small baby and a very fit, very attractive man next to her, and then it clicked who it must be.

“Ben?” Richie asked.

“Heya, Richie,” Ben said. Richie got up and pulled his friend into a hug.

“What the heck man, what-”

“Yeah, yeah, I was fat and now I’m not,” Ben said laughing.

“Oh hush,” Bev said and pulled Richie into a tight hug, kissing his cheek.

“And who’s this?” Richie asked looking down at the baby who cooed up at him. 

“This is Sara,” Bev said, stroking the baby’s cheek. “She’s nearly six months old.”

“She’s beautiful,” Richie said, and meant it just as much as he’d meant that he didn’t like babies when he’d been talking to Audra earlier that day. _Gawd, was that still today?_ He thought to himself. Audra came over to them and began fussing over the baby. Eddie was back in his seat, and Bill was still cooking. Ben turned to Richie.

“I was sorry to hear about your mom. How is she doing?” Ben asked.

“I don’t think there’s much time,” he admitted.

“How is your family taking it?” Ben asked, and Richie laughed humorlessly.

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve been avoiding them like the clap,” he said, and Ben smirked.

“I’m sorry,” Ben said and Richie shrugged.

“Par for the course,” he said, taking a sip of his soda.

“It still sucks,” Ben said softly, and Richie shrugged.

“How are you? What do you do?” Richie asked a little louder than he meant. Eddie looked over at them, but Richie ignored him.

“I’m doing pretty good. I’m an architect. I work in Boston three days a week, and then work from home the other two days. It’s a good life. Nothing as prestigious as a stand up comedian.”

“We’ve seen all your televised shows,” Bev said coming over. “Audra said you might like to hold Sara.” Bev held out the baby towards Richie. Richie looked towards his other friend’s wife who was giggling behind her hand.

“Oh, sure,” he said holding out his arms. Bev helped adjust the little one in his arms, and the little girl grabbed onto his hood string, tugging it to her mouth.

“Oh, no, sweets,” Bev said, taking it away. Sara looked up at Richie. She had fat little cheeks and the bluest eyes. He could see what Audra had said about her having everyone wrapped around her finger. There was something comforting about the weight in his arms, something he didn’t know he could find comforting until he held the small child.

“I see she gets her looks from you,” Richie said to Bev but loud enough for the others to hear him. Ben perked up.

“Who you callin’ ugly, Tozier?” He asked and came over, laughing. “I didn’t work out every day for the last five years to have you casting aspersions on my looks.” Richie laughed and Sara smiled up at him.

“Kidding, kidding,” Richie said, and looked down at the baby. He pulled her closer, lifting her to his chest, and she bunched up like babies do, and sighed a big sigh. Richie smiled down at her and kissed the top of her head. Audra came over as Sara yawned and shoved her fist in her mouth. Bev went over to Ben, both of them talking to Eddie about something Richie couldn’t quite hear.

“I thought you didn’t like kids,” she teased, and Richie rolled his eyes.

“I said I didn’t like babies,” Richie corrected. “But I guess Sara’s alright.”

“Just alright,” Audra teased, and Richie went to sit down next to Eddie.

“Hey,” Eddie said. “How’s my big girl?” He asked Sara and gently kissed the back of her head. Sara gurgled around her fist. “She’s getting so big,” Eddie said to Bev.

“I know, I can’t believe it,” she said as Ben came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her neck.

“Food’s ready!” Bill said. “Everyone get your drinks.”

“Here, I’ll take her,” Ben said, and Richie handed over the baby a little hesitantly. Ben took Sara and put her in a stroller Richie hadn’t noticed before.

“Aren’t we going to wait for Mike?” Richie asked.

“They’ll be here soon,” Audra promised as Richie got up and went to sit down at the table next to Eddie. There was a lot of commotion while they dished up their food and got drinks. Just as they were sitting down, the doorbell rang, and Audra dashed off to get it.

“Sorry we’re late,” someone called from the hall. “We got here as soon as we could.”

“No worries,” Bill called back. “We haven’t even really started eating yet.” Richie turned and watched as Mike, Audra, and another man, presumably Nathan, came around the corner. Nathan was tall, dark hair, dark eyes, and really cute. He had a great smile that was contagious. 

“It smells great,” the man said.

“Yeah, _smells_ great,” Eddie teased. “The wait is torture. Some of us are hungry.” The man whacked him in the back of the head gently.

“Shush,” the man said as he squeezed Eddie’s shoulder. He turned to Richie. “You must be Richie!” He held his hand out and Richie shook it. “I’m Nathan.”

“Nice to meet you,” Richie said.

“Sit, sit,” Bill said. “The food’s getting cold.” Nathan shook his head and sat down in one of the empty chairs. When everyone was served and settled, they all started talking to each other. Richie found himself in a conversation with Bill and Nathan about Bill’s latest book. Nathan thought it sounded too predictable, but Richie said it sounded interesting. Eddie and the others were talking about some TV show. All of the food was great, Richie could hardly believe Bill had cooked it all.

When they were done with dinner, Bill pulled a pie that had been warming in the oven.

“Ok, seriously,” Richie said. “Where’d you get all this food from?” Bill raised an eyebrow at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you can’t _possibly_ have cooked this all,” Richie said and Bill rolled his eyes.

“Just because all you can manage to cook comes out of a can doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t,” Bill said as he sliced the pie and everyone around them laughed. Richie looked at Eddie trying to confirm this, and Eddie shrugged a little, grinning widely. Richie just rolled his eyes. Audra got up and started clearing the dinner dishes as Ben grabbed some smaller plates from the cabinet and forks from a drawer.

After the pie, they all sat around talking about old times and new. At one point, Sara started crying and Bev pulled up her shirt and started feeding her at the table. Richie couldn’t help but smile at the thought of the disgust that would surely be on his dad’s face if he’d been there.

Around nine, Bev put the sleeping baby in the stroller.

“Sorry to break this up,” she said. “But we gotta get home.”

“Early morning?” Richie asked and Ben laughed.

“Every morning with an infant is an early morning,” Bev said. They all got up.

“We should get going too,” Mike said.

“Someone _does_ have an early morning,” Nathan said, head tilted towards Mike. Riche laughed a little.

“You know, you could just say you wanna go home and bone your husband,” Eddie teased and Mike rolled his eyes.

“Virgin ears!” Bev joked, pretending to cover her sleeping daughter’s ears.

“It was nice meeting you,” Nathan said, reaching out to shake Richie’s hand again.

“Yeah, it was nice meeting you, too,” Richie said. He got up, and they all hugged each other.

“Thanks for doing this,” Richie said to Bill as he helped wash the dishes. Audra and Eddie were sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea and talking quietly.

“Thanks for coming,” Bill said. He hesitated for a moment. “It’s good to see Eddie smile again. He’s been so _off_ since Stan died. I mean, he had his moments, especially when he first got sober, but he _completely_ changed after Stan.” Richie’s chest tightened and he nodded.

“It’s so crazy that he’s gone,” Richie said after a while.

“Yeah, it was a shock to all of us,” Bill said. “We all miss him so much.” Richie nodded again and they finished the dishes before heading back to the table.

“You ready to head back?” Eddie asked, and Richie nodded.

“I’m tired,” he said. They all got up and went to the door. Eddie tugged on his coat.

“Thanks for coming,” Bill said. “I know things are hard right now, but we’re here for you. Anything you need.” He hugged Richie tightly.

“Thanks,” Richie whispered.

“Where’s your jacket?” Audra asked, glancing at the coat rack.

“Oh, uh, this,” Richie said, reaching for the hoodie.

“Richie! That’s not a jacket!” She chided.

“Here, borrow one of mine,” Bill said. “You probably don’t really need jackets in LA, do you?” Richie smiled as Bill opened a closet and pulled out a thick jacket.

“No,” Richie said. “I didn’t even think about it, there were so many other things to think about.”

“It’s been a while since you’ve come back,” Bill said, no judgement in his voice.

“Yeah,” Richie said.

“Come on,” Eddie said. “I’m tired, and Ray is probably getting hungry.” They all said a few more goodbyes, and then Richie and Eddie left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay happier chapter! i forgot there was a bit here in the middle that isn't... quite as bad as the rest lol. i hope y'all are liking this! please leave comment/kudo if you like it. :D
> 
> also, come talk to me on tumblr: benhanscomisnotstraight


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw homophobic slurs, discussion of eddie's marriage to myra and depression

They were silent on their ride back to Eddie’s. As soon as Eddie turned off the car, Richie got out and rushed up the stairs. He had to pee and was tired of the cold. Eddie came up behind him.

“I think it might snow tonight,” he said as he unlocked the door.

“Ugh!” Richie said. Ray meowed at them through the door.

“I’m comin’, I’m comin’,” Eddie said. The cat darted out rubbing on their legs. “Hey! Get your fuzzy butt back in there!” He said as he walked in, turning on the light. Richie tugged off his jacket and rushed to the bathroom. After he peed, he came back out, the front room empty except for Ray crunching away at his food.

“Eddie?” Richie called.

“Bedroom!” Richie walked to the doorway. “Wanna watch something?” He asked, pointing at a large TV mounted to the wall. Richie looked at the bed and then back at it, smirking a little.

“That’s probably _the worst_ line I’ve ever heard,” Richie said. Eddie rolled his eyes and patted a spot next to him. Richie tugged out of his shoes before going and sitting next to him. “What are we watching?” He leaned back against the headboard, hands over his head.

“I’m seriously not trying to pull anything,” Eddie said. “I just only have one space heater and figured you didn’t want to freeze to death.” Richie cocked his head.

“Right,” he said, stretching out the word _riiiiiight_. Eddie rolled his eyes again, but said nothing, just whacked him in the face with a pillow.

“I should just let you freeze.”

“Nah,” Richie said. “You like me too much.” Eddie hit him again, and Richie grabbed the pillow and his arm. “You’re really gonna start that again?” Eddie smirked.

“And what if I do?” He asked and Richie just smiled. He let Eddie’s arm go. Eddie grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. He pulled up Hulu and turned on a movie before settling back on the bed.

“Do you want to talk about earlier?” Richie asked after a while. Eddie sighed and looked over at him.

“Sometimes I get panic attacks when I get really excited,” Eddie said. “Something about brain chemistry.”

“So, what I’m hearing is that you haven’t gotten it on in a while, and the thought of being with me just pushed you over the top,” Richie said dramatically. Eddie rolled his eyes and hit him with the pillow again.

“Beep beep, Richie.” Richie rolled his eyes. After a bit, Richie got up and went to his suitcase to grab his pajamas. He went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, and washed his face before pulling on his pajamas. As if he was going to get any sleep that night. When he was done, he went back to Eddie’s bedroom. Eddie had changed, too.

“Close the door behind you,” Eddie said when Richie came back in, which he did. He flopped on the bed next to Eddie suddenly aware of how tired he was. After taking off his glasses, he shoved his face into Eddie’s pillow and Eddie cleared his throat.

“What, Eddie?” Richie asked through the pillow.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said. Richie twisted his head to look at Eddie.

“For?” Eddie shrugged. Sighing, Richie sat up and grabbed his glasses. He shoved them on and leaned back against the footboard. “Eds, what’s up?” Eddie sighed and put down his phone.

“Just…” He tried. He took another deep breath and let it out slowly. “Richie.”

“Talk to me, Eds,” Richie said after a few minutes. Eddie scratched his head.

“I really missed you,” he finally said.

“I missed you, too,” Richie said. 

Eddie took another deep breath and let it out slowly.

“So, the panic attack,” Eddie said.

“The panic attack.”

“Right around the time we stopped talking, when we were in college, I met a woman, Myra. She was…” He sighed. “She was basically my mother. Overbearing and needy as fuck. She kept tight control over me. I thought it was love, but I guess I was just used to that kind of relationship.” Richie thought about making a comment, but didn’t. For once he didn’t want to make a fucking joke. Not about this, not with Eddie.

“We dated and then right before graduation, I asked her to marry me. She, of course, said yes.” He huffed a little. “That was such a shitty time in my life. My drinking got _really_ bad then.” He sighed. “I have pretty much always known I was gay, but I didn’t see how being myself was a possible choice with my mother. She was so scared I would get AIDS without even knowing I was gay.” He paused.

“One day, I came home late from work to find Myra in the kitchen calling all our friends, trying to find out where I was even though I had texted her. We got into a huge fight and it all sort of came out. I don’t even know what we were saying, but suddenly I just screamed, ‘I fucking hate you, Myra. I fucking hate you! I’m gay and I want a divorce.’” Richie blinked.

“Wow,” Richie said quietly, and Eddie nodded.

“I couldn’t believe it. Of course she started crying and I tried to apologize, but she didn’t care. She started calling me all sorts of names and started throwing plates. So I went up to our room, packed a small bag, and went to the front door. She was standing there, arms over her chest.

“‘You can’t fucking leave me, Eddie Kaspbrak! You have nowhere to go! No one will take you in! Just wait until all our friends learn what a dirty little _faggot_ you are! None of them will want to have anything to do with you!’

“I told her to get the fuck out of the way, that we we were over. And then she asked me what I thought my mother would say. I told her she wouldn’t dare tell my mother. And I _almost_ stayed. Almost. But I knew if I stayed, we’d just end up killing each other. I shoved past her, and just left her standing in our doorway screaming at me.” He paused. “I didn’t fucking know what to do. I just got in my car and started driving. When I got tired, I slept on the side of the road. Eventually I ended up back in Maine and I saw a sign for Derry. Not really expecting to find anyone, I came back. It was getting super late, so I just drove to the hotel and slept for three days.

“When I finally left the room, I walked through town. I was a complete wreck. Stan saw me coming out of the grocery store. I honestly don’t know how he recognized me. I had at least three day old stubble and couldn’t remember my last shower.

“When he saw me, he called my name, and I just remember turning slowly. He didn’t seem real. He came over to me and talked very softly, very slowly. When I finally found my voice, I just said, ‘I’m gay. I’m gay and I left my wife.’ He pulled me into a tight hug, and that’s when I realized things would be ok, that _I_ would be ok.” Eddie paused. “We went back to my hotel, and he helped me pack up my stuff. I was lucky I’d kept an account separate from Myra because she put holds on all our joint accounts, but I didn’t even fucking care.” He paused. “When we finally charged my phone, I had a ton of messages from her, but more from our friends checking in. More of them cared about me than I thought, but that just seemed to piss Myra off more. I had a few calls from my mother, but Myra hadn’t told her. Why, I don’t know.” He paused again.

“And then I just stayed. Got a job at the library, eventually started dating. It was good, except for the drinking, but even that I got under control.” He looked at Richie. “Everything just got fucked so fast, and then it wasn’t, and now it is. But when I saw you at the airport…” He took a deep breath and let it out. “For just a minute, I felt eighteen again, like I had everything before me. For a minute I felt better, and then I felt terrible because I knew why you were here.” Richie brushed some of his hair back out of his face.

“So, kissing you was a huge deal,” Eddie whispered as he picked at a hole in his pants. “I haven’t done anything with anyone since Stan died.” Richie licked his lips. He desperately wanted to make a joke, wanted to relieve some of this pressure, but he didn’t, couldn’t. Instead he just stared at his hands.

“Wow, that fucking sucks.” Eddie nodded. Neither of them said anything for a while. It almost felt like Eddie wanted to say more, but he didn’t. Richie wanted to pull Eddie close, but he didn’t do it. Ray got up from where he was laying at Eddie’s feet and curled up on Eddie’s lap. And then Eddie sniffled. Richie looked up and was shocked to find Eddie crying.

“I-” Eddie started and reached out, tugging when he found Richie’s pants. Richie awkwardly scooted closer, and let Eddie shove his face into Richie’s chest, the cat letting out an annoyed _meow_ as he jumped off the bed. Richie wrapped his arms around the other man and just rubbed his back knowing there was _absolutely nothing_ he could say. Eddie’s fingers dug into Richie’s sides, trying to pull him as close as possible.

Nearly fifteen minutes later, Eddie stopped crying and just lay limply in Richie’s arms. Richie stroked Eddie’s hair and kissed the top of his head.

“I have-” Eddie squeaked and cleared his throat. “I have to use the bathroom.” Richie let him go. As soon as Eddie closed the bathroom door, Richie got up and went to the kitchen to try and find some hot chocolate or something. All he found was some chamomile tea. After filling the kettle from the stove with water, he turned on the heat, and pulled out some mugs, spoons, and some delicious looking honey that still had some comb in it.

Eddie left the bathroom a few minutes later and went to the bedroom. When Eddie came back out, he was wearing a hoodie, hands shoved into his pockets. He went to Richie and leaned into him, shoving his face into the back of Richie’s shoulder.

“Do you want to get your honey ready?” Richie asked and Eddie snorted. “What?” Richie asked, but Eddie shook his head. He grabbed a spoon and the honey, dumping some into both cups. When the water was ready, Richie poured some water in and they went back to the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind them where they found Ray curled up in the middle of the bed. Eddie set the mug down, picked up the cat, and set him at the foot of the bed before they stretched out on the bed. Eddie pulled up some old vlogs on Youtube.

“Thank you for the tea,” Eddie said a few minutes later.

“You’re welcome,” Richie said, taking a sip of his own tea. When he was done with his tea, he set his cup and glasses on the bedside table. He turned to Eddie and sighed.

“Are you ok?” Eddie asked.

Richie chewed on his lip a little. “Can- this isn’t a line, but I just- can I lay on you?”

“Sure,” Eddie said in a small voice. He finished his tea, set the cup on the bedside table, and scooted into a comfortable position.

“Come on,” Eddie said, making small grabbie motions at Richie. Richie stretched out on Eddie’s chest, curling his arms under and around Eddie’s shoulders. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as Eddie cupped the back of his neck with one hand, stroking gently, and the other rested on his back.

Richie dozed lightly, body exhausted while his brain whirred. The day had been so _fucking_ long, and weird, and terrible, and good. He hoped the next day wouldn’t be completely crazy, but he couldn’t believe there would be a way it wouldn’t be.

“Hey, Richie?” Eddie said, and Richie grunted. “Are you awake?”

“Barely,” Richie mumbled into his chest. “Did you need something?” Eddie cleared his throat.

“It’s just, I can’t sleep on my back,” he whispered. “We can still cuddle, I just-”

“Bleh!” Richie said, already rolling off Eddie. “Be the big spoon?” Richie asked facing away from Eddie. Eddie curled up behind him and wrapped an arm around Richie. Richie pulled his arm close, tangling their fingers together. “Night, Eds.”

“Night, Richie,” Eddie said, and then Richie fell asleep for real.

***

The next morning Richie woke up to Ray meowing loudly in his face. Richie batted him away, but Ray didn’t let up.

“Eddie, I think your cat is broken,” Richie said rolling toward Eddie.

“Just let him out,” Eddie said, rolling away.

“Eddie! He’s your cat!” Richie said trying to shove his face under his pillow.

“You’re closer to the door,” Eddie said. Ray kept meowing until Richie got up.

“Here you little asshole!” He opened the door and Ray went into the cold front room. Richie closed the door and went back to the bed. Eddie curled up next to him, pulling him close.

“I’m cold,” Eddie whined, and Richie, laying on his back, wrapped an arm around him.

“Why doesn’t your main heater work?” Richie asked. Eddie shrugged.

“I’m sleeping,” Eddie said. Richie sighed, shaking his head. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He fell back to sleep.

A few hours later, Richie woke up as Eddie elbowed him in the stomach.

“I’m late!” He growled, jumping over Richie causing him to grunt in pain again. “Jesus, I am _so_ late! Sorry!”

“Call in,” Richie said as Eddie rushed to the dresser and pulled out some fresh clothes.

“Mike knows I’m not sick,” Eddie argued as he tugged off his shirt and pulled on a clean one.

“He also knows you’re playing host to me, and I’m a complete fucking train wreck,” Richie pointed out. Eddie shook his head.

“I really shouldn’t,” Eddie said. He went out to the front room. Cold air seeped in and Richie groaned shoving his head deeper into the blankets. Eddie came back in a minute later.

“I’ll see if I can get off early,” Eddie said. “Were you going to visit your family today?” Richie groaned.

“I don’t know,” Richie said. “I mean, I’m probably going to see my mom, and maybe Grace.”

“Grace?”

“My cousin,” Richie said. “She’s actually pretty cool.”

“Oh, right,” Eddie said. “I’ll text you?” Richie yawned.

“Sure,” he said and rolled away from the door. Eddie finished getting ready quietly.

“Bye, Richie,” Eddie called softly as he left. Richie grunted a goodbye, and fell back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hard to believe it's wednesday again already. please leave a comment or a kudo if you liked this?
> 
> ***
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr: benhanscomisnotstraight


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: hospitals, terminal illness/cancer, homophobic family, homophobic slurs

When he woke up, sunlight streamed through the window and Ray was curled up behind his head purring softly. Richie reached up to stroke the top of Ray’s head. Ray _murped_ and Richie smiled. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before stretching and groaning. Slowly, Richie got up, put his glasses on, and stumbled to the bathroom. He was only slightly surprised to find it was after one. Grace had texted him about an hour before.

_Grace 11:58 am: Hey, did you want to have dinner tonight? Rachel is driving me NUTS!  
Richie 1:20 pm: I don’t see why not. I’ll let you know if not. Anywhere you want to go?  
Grace 1:24 pm: There’s a pizza place on Main. Bring Eddie if you want.  
Richie 1:25 pm: Ok. I’ll text you._

He sat his phone on the counter and went to the fridge. He pulled out some string cheese and a bottle of water before heading back to the bedroom. Ray had curled up in the middle of his warm spot.

“Punk,” Richie said, laying on his side and pulling the blanket up under his chin. After he ate the cheese, he must have dozed off again. When he woke up, Eddie was knocking gently on the door.

“Hey,” Eddie said. Richie groaned. “How are you?” Eddie tugged out of his shoes and curled up behind Richie, pulling him close.

“Time ’s it?” Richie mumbled.

“Just after 3,” Eddie said. “You eat anything?”

“Cheese,” Richie said, holding up the wrapper. Eddie laughed.

“Let’s get some food,” Eddie said, but didn’t move.

“Can’t.” He sighed. “Gonna take Grace and her family for dinner. You come.”

“Me?” Eddie asked.

“Mhmm,” Richie said, taking Eddie’s hand. “Unless you’re chicken.

“Psh!” Eddie said and whacked Richie in the face with the pillow which Richie grabbed.

“Hey!” Richie said. He squirmed around to face Eddie. “Why you picking on me?”

“Because you’re a punk,” Eddie said. Richie rolled his eyes, and hit Eddie in the face with the stolen pillow. “Rude!” Eddie pulled back and grabbed another pillow. “This means war!”

“A war you started!” Richie said sitting up. He whacked Eddie over the head as the other man sat up, and Eddie grunted in surprise. He smashed Richie’s head with the pillow, and Richie grabbed his wrist before he could pull back for another attack. “Why are you such a bully?”

“Me?” Eddie yelled, sitting up. “Me?! A bully?” He pretended to try to tug away, but Richie held onto his wrist.

“Come here,” Richie whispered, pulling Eddie close, and Eddie let him. He stretched out next to Richie, who reached up and gently stroked his cheek. “Such a bully,” Richie said, hooking his fingers under Eddie’s chin and pulling him close for a soft kiss. “Is this ok?” Richie asked softly, and Eddie nodded.

“Yes,” Eddie whispered. Richie slid his hand up and gently cupped Eddie’s cheek pulling him closer for a deeper kiss. They did nothing but softly kiss for several long minutes. Eventually, Eddie wrapped an arm around Richie’s neck, pulling their bodies closer. Richie could feel Eddie’s hard dick against his leg. Richie groaned a little and kissed Eddie a little harder. Eddie’s fingers twisted into Richie’s sleep shirt.

Richie’s kisses trailed down Eddie’s face, tasting, licking, nibbling. Eddie sighed.

“Is this ok?” Richie asked.

“Yes,” Eddie whispered. “Yeah, just-”

“Just what?” Richie asked, pulling away. Eddie hesitated.

“Just no hickeys above the neck line,” Eddie said and Richie smiled. He slid his hands down to the hem of Eddie’s sweater.

“Is this ok?” Richie asked, and Eddie nodded. Richie pulled the sweater and undershirt up slowly. Between swimming in the summer, and changing out for gym, Richie had seen Eddie shirtless countless times. He’d always been so scrawny, and while he was still _skinny_ he had some muscle definition. Eddie helped finish pulling off his sweater, and Richie’s hand shook a little as he gently touched Eddie’s stomach with the tips of his fingers.

“Geeze, Tozier,” Eddie breathed. “I’m not made of glass.” Richie smiled up at him, laughing a little. He pulled Eddie close, kissing him. Eddie slid his fingers into Richie’s hair, and they just lay there kissing for a long time.

Eventually, Richie pulled Eddie’s hips closer, their legs tangling as Richie reached up and dragged his nails down Eddie’s back. Eddie broke the kiss, head back, and gasped for breath. Richie kissed Eddie’s throat, and peppered his collar bone with kisses as he reached down, hands pausing over the waistband of Eddie’s jeans.

“Is this ok?” Richie asked. Eddie took a deep breath and let it out slowly before nodding.

“Yes,” Eddie breathed. Richie unpopped the top button of Eddie’s pants, and undid the zipper before sliding his hand in.

“Good?” Richie asked.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Richie!” Eddie laughed.

“Hey! You were the one who had a panic attack yesterday!” Richie pointed out. Eddie thrust his hips close to Richie.

“I want this,” Eddie whispered. “I want you.” Richie smiled and kissed Eddie on the mouth again as he palmed at Eddie’s cock.

Before they could really get going, Richie’s phone began ringing. Both of them froze. If it had been any other time, Richie would have ignored it.

“I- I have to get that,” Richie whispered.

“I know,” Eddie murmured back. Richie sat up, and twisted around to find his phone. It was Grace. Clearing his throat, Richie slid the button to answer.

“Hey, what’s up?” Richie asked as Eddie lay on his back and held Richie’s free hand.

“I just picked up Rachel, Mason, and Bryant. They want to stop by the hospital, I guess they made stuff for Aunt Maggie in their art classes,” Grace said. “Have you been to see her today?” Richie laughed.

“Actually, I just woke up,” Richie said, and Grace laughed.

“Well, we can come pick you up in half an hour?” Grace asked. Richie looked at Eddie. He covered the mouthpiece with his hand.

“Wanna take me to the hospital in a bit? Get dinner with Grace and her family after?” Richie asked.

“What? I can’t hear you,” Grace said.

“Hang on, I’m talking to Eddie,” Richie said and looked up at the other man.

“Yeah, sure, if you want me to,” Eddie said, and Richie nodded.

“How about Eddie and I meet you at the hospital?” Richie asked.

“Ok,” Grace said. “Sounds good. See you soon.” She hung up. Richie sighed and flopped onto Eddie’s chest.

“I’m beginning to think the universe doesn’t want us to get it on,” Richie mumbled into Eddie’s chest and Eddie patted his back. “I’m gonna take a shower.” He didn’t move.

“Richie,” Eddie said softly.

“Eddie.” Richie sighed and sat up. He looked at Eddie who just sat there biting his lip.

“Nevermind,” Eddie said. Sighing, Richie got up and went to the front room to get some clean clothes. Eddie stayed in his room as Richie went to the bathroom. He stripped and tugged his glasses off as he turned on the water. When it was warm enough, he pulled back the curtain and stepped in. The water felt so good, and he realized he hadn’t had a real shower since he left LA. _Whatever,_ he thought to himself and realized he’d left his soaps and shampoos out in the front room. He sighed and decided to just try and figure out whatever the hell Eddie had.

He picked up one bottle that was either shampoo or conditioner, and dumped a handful of conditioner into his hand. 

“Eurgh,” he said and let the water wash away the conditioner before grabbing the other bottle. After washing up and rinsing off, Richie turned off the water and pulled back the curtain. “Fuck!” He growled. He’d forgotten to ask where towels were. “Hey, Eddie?” Richie called as he stood there dripping. Nothing. “Eddie!” Richie yelled louder.

“What?” Eddie called back.

“Towel?”

“Hang on,” Eddie said. Richie stood there, naked and dripping in the tub. Eddie knocked on the door a few moments later. “Can I open the door?” Richie pulled the curtain across his lower half.

“Yeah, come in,” Richie said. He heard the door open and then weird groping noises. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to hand you the towel,” Eddie said.

“Well, are you looking?” Richie asked. “Because I can’t see without my glasses.” Eddie laughed.

“Oh, right,” Eddie said. “I was just trying to not make you uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, well-” Richie said as he felt the towel touch his hand. Eddie laughed again, and closed the door behind him. Richie just rolled his eyes and dried off before getting out. He pulled on his underwear and pants, but didn’t bother zipping them up. He was a little startled to come out and find Eddie reading on the couch, but he did his best not to show it.

“I’ll be ready in a bit,” Richie said. “I need to shave.” He grabbed his toiletry bag and went back in the bathroom as he ignored the grin on Eddie’s face.

After shaving, Richie tugged on his shirt and checked his phone. It was almost 4:30. He texted Grace.

_Richie 4:24 pm: Hey, we are about to head out the door. Eddie is coming._

He shoved his phone in his pocket and went back out to the front room to put his shoes on.

“You ready?” Richie asked.

“Yeah,” Eddie said sitting up. Richie pulled on his shoes, and his phone went off. It was Grace.

_Grace 4:26 pm: Ok! Sounds good. We had to stop and get a snack. We’ll be there in about twenty._  
_Richie 4:27pm: Ok. See you soon._

“They are about twenty minutes away,” Richie said as he grabbed Bill’s coat and tugged it on. Eddie grabbed his own and they went to the door. As they walked to the car in silence, Eddie took Richie’s hand and held tight. Richie’s anxiety grew as they got closer to the hospital. He wished he knew if his dad was going to be there or not.

They parked and Eddie hesitated as Richie unbuckled his seatbelt. Neither of them moved.

“You ok?” Richie asked. Eddie nodded and cleared his throat.

“Do you want me to come in?” Eddie asked. Richie looked at him.

“Only if you think you can,” Richie said. Eddie cleared his throat.

“It’s just-” He paused. “I just haven’t been here since Stan.” Richie squeezed Eddie’s hand, and shrugged a little.

“You stay here then,” he said simply.

“I want to be there for you,” Eddie said. Richie rubbed his thumb along the side of Eddie’s hand.

“You _are_ here for me,” he whispered. “I’ll be ok. And if I’m not, it’s nice to know I don’t have to wait for you to come rescue me.” Eddie nodded and leaned over to kiss Richie’s cheek.

“I’ll be right here,” Eddie promised. Richie got out of the car and went into the hospital. His heart pounded loudly in his chest as he rode the elevator up to his ma’s room. Looking for Audra, he hesitated by the nurses’ station, but couldn’t find her. Sighing, he went to the door and knocked.

“Come in,” his dad called, and Richie clenched his jaw.

“Hey, dad,” Richie said as he came in. His dad grunted. “How is she?” His dad looked up at Richie and then back at the TV, sighing. His ma was laying on her bed, breathing slowly. Richie went over to her and kissed her forehead. She sighed in her sleep as he sat down next to her.

A few minutes later, Grace and her kids came in.

“Hi, Uncle Wentworth,” Rachel and Mason said. Bryant hung back, hiding behind his mom.

“Hey, kiddos,” Richie’s dad said, and then pulled both of them close into a tight hug. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He couldn’t remember his dad _ever_ willingly hugging him. Rachel saw Richie when his dad let go of them, and she went over to him. Without asking, she crawled into his lap, holding tightly to a painting in her hand.

“Hi, Richie,” she said. “Do you want to see the picture I made for Auntie Maggie?” Richie cleared his throat as Grace came further into the room, Bryant still hiding behind her.

“Sure,” Richie said. She showed him a picture of a happy family standing under a rainbow. “Oh, wow, this is _really_ good.”

“This is mommy, and daddy, and Mason, and Bryant, and me, and you, and Auntie Maggie, and Uncle Wentworth,” Rachel said pointing to each person in turn.

“She’s going to love it,” Richie said and kissed the side of her hair.

“You think so?” Rachel asked, twisting around to look up at him. Grace was talking quietly to Richie’s dad.

“Yeah,” Richie said. Mason stood next to his uncle and Richie couldn’t help but feel bad for the kid. He was just old enough to semi-grasp the finality of death, but too young to _really_ understand how to process it all.

A few minutes later, Richie’s ma woke up a little and looked over at Grace and Bryant. She smiled brightly, and reached a hand out.

“Grace,” she whispered. Grace went over to Richie’s ma and took her hand.

“Hi, Auntie Maggie,” Grace said. “Look who’s here to see you.” Bryant came a little closer. Richie’s ma looked at the small child, eyes glazed over a little. “Go on Bryant, show her your picture.” The little boy held up his picture. It was a drawing of a house with a sun out.

“Auntie Maggie, I drew you a picture of your yard so you can remember what it looks like,” Bryant said, and Grace squeezed his shoulder. Bryant put the picture on the bed and then rushed back to Richie’s dad. Richie’s ma looked at Richie. She held her hand out and he took it.

“Do you want to give Auntie Maggie your picture?” Richie asked. Rachel nodded. She hopped down and held out the picture. She told Richie’s ma what it was and then put the picture on the rolling table before curling back into Richie’s lap. They all sat there in awkward silence. The kids were nervous, and Richie didn’t know what to say. Grace just stood there holding her youngest son’s hand.

After a while, a nurse came in and told them all gently that they needed to check Richie’s ma over.

“Come on, we should get going anyway,” Grace said. The kids said goodbye quietly to Richie’s ma and hugged his dad close.

“Bye, Uncle Wentworth,” Rachel said as she followed her siblings out. Grace kissed Richie’s ma’s forehead and whispered a goodbye before going to stand by the door. She watched Richie kiss his ma’s forehead.

“Bye, ma,” he whispered. “I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” They left, and Grace squeezed Richie’s arm.

“Where’s Eddie?” Grace asked as they walked to the elevator, Richie’s dad following close behind them.

“He’s-”

“Eddie? Eddie Kaspbrak? You still friends with that little fag?” Richie’s dad asked. Grace opened her mouth to say something, but Mason beat her to it.

“That’s fucking rude,” he yelled. The adults all stared at him, shocked. Out of all of the kids, Mason was the closest to Richie’s dad. “Mr. Kaspbrak is a very nice man, and there is _nothing_ wrong with being gay.”

“Lower your voice, young man,” Richie’s dad said, but Mason shook his head violently, no.

“Don’t be an asshole, Uncle Wentworth!” He said and then turned away, pushing the down button. Richie’s dad huffed and turned back to the nurses’ station to wait to go back in his wife’s room.

“Mommy, what’s-” Bryant started, but Grace cut him off.

“We’ll talk about it in the car,” she said. Rachel looked up at Richie.

“To answer your question, Eddie is waiting in the car,” Richie said. “He wanted to give us time as a family.” They all got in the elevator, and Bryant pushed the button for their floor.

“Mommy?” Bryant said in a small voice.

“Yes, honey?”

“When’s Auntie Maggie going to get better and come home?” Bryant asked. Richie’s chest tightened, and Grace looked over at him, before looking down at her son. The elevator dinged and they all got out. Richie took a deep breath, legs a little shaky. He watched his cousin get down in front of her kids, and before he was even aware he had made the decision, Richie rushed out of the hospital and out to Eddie’s car. He pulled the door open and climbed in, tugging the door closed behind him.

“Hey,” Eddie said. “Are you ok?” Richie shook his head, no, and sob escaped his lips. Eddie pulled Richie close and just held him tight, letting him cry.

After what felt like forever, Richie sat up and pulled the door closed. He rubbed his face and wiped his nose on the inside of his shirt.

“What happened?” Eddie asked as Richie cleared his throat.

“I have tears on my glasses,” Richie said. Eddie pulled off his glasses and began to clean them on his shirt.

“Is- did-”

“She’s still alive,” Richie breathed. “It was just so fucking par for the course.” Richie shook his head. “My dad was his usual homophobic self, Mason told him off, and then Bryant asked when my ma was coming home, and Grace had to tell them- she had to tell them she wasn’t, and just, fuck my life.” Eddie handed Richie his glasses back. Richie put them on and just shook his now throbbing head. A part of him thought he should be angry, but he was so tired that he had no energy for anger.

“What did your dad say when Mason yelled at him?” Eddie asked. Richie’s phone started ringing. It was Grace. Richie put it on speaker phone.

“Hey, Richie. Are you ok? You disappeared,” Grace said, her voice thick and tight.

“No, but it is what it is,” Richie said.

“I am so sorry,” Grace said.

“I know,” Richie said and rubbed his face with his free hand. “So, food?”

“Food,” Grace agreed, letting it go.

“You said something about pizza?” Richie asked.

“Yeah,” Grace said. “Pizza My Heart on Main.” Richie made a gagging noise.

“What a terrible name,” he complained.

“We’ll see you there in a bit. Adam is heading over now to get us a table,” Grace said.

“Alright, sounds good,” Richie said. “We’ll be there soon.” He hung up and took a deep breath. Eddie looked over at him.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Eddie asked.

“I need food,” Richie said. “Everything will look better after food.” Eddie nodded and turned on the car. When they got on the road, he took Richie’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Richie leaned against the window.

“Think it’s going to snow soon?” Richie asked.

“Probably,” Eddie said. Richie sighed as Eddie pulled into the parking lot. “Don’t worry, you won’t get cold.”

“Promise?” Richie asked, perking up a little.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “I have an electric blanket.” Richie snorted and pulled Eddie close by his collar.

“You asshole,” he murmured as he kissed Eddie on the lips, and Eddie smiled into the kiss.

“Come on, let’s go eat some pizza,” Eddie said. They let go of each other and got out. Eddie came around to the sidewalk and Richie held his hand out for him to take it without looking back. Eddie cupped the other man’s hand and squeezed a little as they went into the restaurant. Mason saw them first, and everyone turned to look at them.

“Richie!” Rachel yelled and rushed over to them before Grace could stop her. Richie picked up the little girl, giving her a good squeeze as they walked over to the table.

Dinner was uneventful, the pizza good. The kids were unusually quiet. Richie’s attention kept drifting. When they were done, they all walked out to the parking lot to say their goodbyes. Mason pulled Richie down for a tight hug.

“Thanks for dinner, Richie,” he whispered.

“You’re welcome,” Richie said. Rachel came around and hugged him one last time before Adam called her back to the car.

“You going to be ok?” Grace asked. Richie shrugged.

“Are you?” He asked. Grace shrugged back.

“See you tomorrow?” 

“Probably,” Richie said. They hugged and Grace waved at Eddie.

“Take care of him for me, will ya?” Grace asked.

“Of course,” Eddie said and Grace smirked before turning to get back in her car. Richie and Eddie got into Eddie’s, neither of them saying anything for a moment.

“Ready to go back to mine?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah,” Richie said. “Get this _fucking_ day over with.” Eddie nodded and put the car in drive.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: death

When they got back to Eddie’s, Richie went to the bathroom and tugged out of his clothes before pulling on some sleep pants. When he came back out, Eddie was stretched out on the bed wearing a hoodie and his boxers. Smiling a little, Richie stretched out next to him.

“Hey,” Eddie said, putting his phone next to his side.

“Hey,” Richie said.

“Get your ass over here,” Eddie said and Richie tugged off his glasses, shoving them on the bedside table before straddling Eddie.

They did nothing but kiss for a long time. Slowly, Eddie’s hands slipped down and under the waistband of Richie’s pants, squeezing his ass. Richie couldn’t remember the last time he just made out with someone. He could barely believe that he was making out with _Eddie Kaspbrak._

Eddie held his face so gently, just taking whatever Richie gave him. Eddie shifted a little under him, and Richie could feel his hardening cock through the thin cloth.

Suddenly Richie was aware they were wearing way too many clothes. He tugged out of his pants and then tugged at Eddie’s hoodie. Richie shoved the hoodie up around his armpits and Eddie pulled it up over his head. Richie could barely breathe, could _not_ believe this was happening. Richie pulled off Eddie’s boxers all the way and gripped his thighs, his thumbs pushing into the thick muscles.

“Richie,” Eddie grunted, and Richie looked up.

“Yeah, Eddie?” Richie asked when Eddie didn’t say anything for several moments. Eddie was nothing more than a blur without his glasses, so he reached up and grabbed them. “You ok?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, his body relaxing a little. “I just didn’t want to cum as soon as you put your mouth on me,” he admitted sheepishly. Richie laughed gently.

“Just let me know when you need me to slow down,” Richie said, taking off his glasses again and putting them back on the bedside table. Eddie swallowed hard, nodding his head.

“Alright,” he whispered. Richie kissed Eddie on the mouth again, letting their cocks slide together, enjoying the little jolt that rushed through his body, and smirked as Eddie gasped and shuddered. Richie nipped and kissed his way back down.

When he got back to Eddie’s cock, he wrapped a fist around it, giving it a few experimental strokes, smiling as Eddie’s breath hitched. Richie dipped his head down, and licked Eddie’s cock from base to tip, reveling in the feel and taste. Few things in life tasted as good as cock.

“Jesus,” Eddie murmured, and gripped the sheets.

“You good?” Richie asked.

“I swear to fucking God if you don’t put my fucking cock in your mouth-” His words were cut off with a gasp as Richie swallowed him down in one go. “Fucking Christ!” Richie reached up, taking one of Eddie’s hands as Richie began to suck in earnest. Eddie squirmed and gasped above him.

Richie would get Eddie close to the edge, but would slow down when Eddie squeezed his hand. They went on like this for a long time.

“Fuck,” Eddie whined, voice thick. “Richie, please-” Richie squeezed Eddie’s hand and kept going until Eddie’s body stiffened and he let out a loud moan and came in Richie’s mouth. Richie kept sucking and swallowing until Eddie’s whines turned from pleasure to pain.

Richie wiped his mouth on the back of his hand as he crawled back up Eddie’s chest. Eddie lay under him still gasping for breath.

“Wow,” Eddie finally managed. “Fucking wow.” He pulled Richie up and kissed him deeply. When they broke apart, Eddie gently pushed Richie up.

“You ok?” Richie asked, his voice rough.

“I’m fine, babe,” Eddie said as he gently stroked Richie’s cheek. “It’s just my turn,” Eddie said in a voice that went straight to Richie’s dick.

“Oh,” he managed stupidly as he settled back.

“I wanna see you cum,” Eddie whispered as he wrapped a hand around Richie’s dick, and Richie’s hips thrust forward. Eddie chuckled and nibbled on Richie’s ear.

Eddie went slow at first, almost cruelly slow, and it took all of Richie’s effort to not yell at the other man. After a while, Richie grew impatient and began fucking into Eddie’s hand, which Eddie let him do, for a moment, and then pulled his hand back.

“You are such an asshole,” Richie growled. “Not everyone _likes_ edging. Fucking make me cum already.” Eddie stifled a laugh.

“Shh,” Eddie whispered. “I’ve got you, babe.” Eddie continued to stroke Richie slowly as he kissed him. Richie broke the kiss, gasping as Eddie moved his hand faster. He clung to Richie’s shoulder.

“Fuck, yes, yes, yes!” Richie grunted and came with a sharp yell, covering both of them with cum. “Fuck,” Richie whispered again. Eddie kissed his earlobe as he wiped his hand on the sheets. Both of them took deep breaths, letting them out slowly.

“Be right back,” Eddie said, getting up and leaving. When he opened the door to the front room, cold air crept in and Richie shivered.

“Sorry,” Eddie said. He closed the door and came back a moment later with a warm rag. “Here,” Eddie said as he handed Richie the rag. Richie cleaned himself up as best he could and handed it back. Eddie tossed it in the hamper before crawling back in bed, shoving his cold toes up against Richie’s feet.

“Richie,” Eddie murmured after a bit. Richie turned and kissed him for a long time. When they broke apart, Eddie tangled their bodies together, and Richie kissed Eddie’s shoulder.

“I told you you wouldn’t get cold,” Eddie teased and Richie shook his head, laughing as he shifted around so his head was resting on Eddie’s chest. He drifted off to sleep a few minutes later.

Richie woke up alone the next morning. Stretching, he got up, put on his glasses, and grabbed his pants to put on after he peed. He went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. He grabbed the orange juice and saw a kid in a yellow raincoat behind the door.

“Jesus! Where the _fuck_ did you come from?” Richie yelled.

“Richie, don’t you recognize me?” The kid asked and Richie adjusted his glasses, his heart thudding hard in his chest.

“Georgie?” He whispered. “You- you can’t fucking be here. You’re fucking dead.” Georgie was Bill’s kid brother who had died when he was six years old. A drunk driver had hit him on the 4th of July in the middle of the afternoon.

“But I’m _always_ here,” Georgie said.

“No you fucking _are not_!” Richie closed his eyes and opened them again. “The fuck? What do you want? Why aren’t you fucking haunting Bill?” The boy looked up at him.

“Because I wanted to tell you, your ma is going to be well taken care of,” George said.

“What the fuck?” Richie asked slowly, the words and world melting together, and then he was outside, and it was summer. He was in the Barrens where he and his friends had played together as kids, and where they got drunk as teenagers. The Barrens were empty. The silence made his skin crawl. He had almost never come down to the Barrens alone. He ran his fingers through his hair.

“I’m dreaming, I’m fucking dreaming,” he muttered. “This isn’t fucking real.”

He woke up for real for a moment but his exhaustion pulled him back under, pulled him back to the Barrens. It was full winter now, but Richie couldn’t feel the cold. This time it wasn’t empty though. Stan was sitting on the edge of the water. He was young again, the age he’d been when Richie had last seen him.

“Fuck me,” Richie said in a small voice and took grudging steps towards his friend.

“Hello, Richie,” Stan said softly.

“Hey, Stan,” Richie said. He looked out at the frozen stream shaking his head. “What the fuck, man?”

“It’s good to see you,” Stan said. Richie looked down at his feet. The snow under Stan had bright red drops scattered here and there. _Blood_ , Richie thought to himself.

“What are you doing here?” Richie asked.

“I don’t know, Richie. It’s your dream,” Stan said and Richie rubbed his eyes.

“ _Fuck me_ ,” he groaned. Stan looked over at him.

“What do you want, Richie?” Stan asked.

“I want to _not_ fucking _be here_ , man,” Richie said. “My family is full of homophobic assholes, and this town. I feel like this town is going to eat me alive.” Stan thought for a moment, studying him.

“He’ll never leave, you know,” Stan said.

“What?” Richie asked.

“Eddie. He’ll never go with you,” Stan repeated. Richie scoffed.

“We’re just- we’re just friends,” Richie said.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Stan asked.

“What? Having fun?” Richie asked.

“Whatever you say,” Stan said, and then the world melted again.

Richie woke up, for real this time, sweating. Eddie was stretched out next to him, fast asleep. Groping for his glasses, Richie peeled Eddie’s arm off of him and went to the bathroom. It was almost three in the morning. After using the bathroom, Richie stood in the doorway watching Eddie for several long moments. Eddie sighed and rolled over on his side.

“Richie?” Eddie called. “What’re you doing?” He sat up rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Richie didn’t answer, just crossed the room, straddled Eddie and kissed him, hard.

“Time for round two,” Richie whispered when they pulled apart to breathe.

“Richie,” Eddie started, but Richie just took off his glasses and kissed Eddie again trying to not think about his dream. Stan didn’t know what he was talking about. Stan was dead.

They didn’t fall back to sleep until past five.

***

Richie woke up again around nine to a phone ringing. Eddie untangled himself from Richie and rolled away to answer the phone.

“Hello?” Eddie said, his voice heavy with sleep. “Oh, fuck.” Eddie started to get up but stopped. “But-” Pause. “I see,” Eddie said. He sighed and rubbed his face. “Alright, thanks.” He hung up and sighed. He threw his phone on the floor and rolled back towards Richie.

“Who was that?” Richie asked.

“That was Bill,” Eddie said. His voice sounded weird, all high and tight.

“Oh?” Richie said. Suddenly he knew he didn’t want to hear whatever was going to come next.

“Audra called him from the hospital,” Eddie said slowly. Richie lay there in silence. “Your mom went into cardiac arrest. They did everything they could, but she didn’t make it.” Richie’s breath caught in his throat. There was a giant knot, the pain almost unbearable. He groped for Eddie’s hand and pulled him close. “Richie, I’m so sorry,” Eddie whispered, pulling him close. Richie let out a sob, and began to cry. 

“You’re joking, right? You’re fucking kidding, right Eds?” Eddie just held him tight, whispering words of comfort, and kissing his hair. Richie wanted to pull away, started to pull away, but Eddie held tight. Richie could hardly catch his breath.

“I’m so sorry,” Eddie whispered again and kissed his hair. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“She can’t be gone,” Richie said. “She can’t. It’s- It’s a mistake. We- she’s- you’re lying!” He shoved Eddie away, hard, and this time Eddie let him back up. “Why would- why-” He couldn’t catch his breath.

“She’s gone, Richie. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t- I would _never_ joke about this,” Eddie said and Richie crumpled in on himself a little. Eddie pulled him close and kissed the back of Richie’s shoulder, rocking him gently and rubbing his back. “I’m here.”

“She can’t be gone,” Richie whispered. “I-” He paused and waited for Eddie to say something about how she wasn’t in pain any more, that she was in a better place, but Eddie didn’t do that, he just held Richie who let out another deep, shuddering sob.

Richie cried until he lay limply in Eddie’s arms. His whole body felt so heavy, everything felt so far away. Eddie stroked Richie’s hair and they just sat there for a long time.

“I have to pee,” Richie whispered after a while.

“Ok,” Eddie said. He let go of Richie so he could get up. Richie stumbled to the bathroom not bothering with glasses. He used the toilet and washed his hands, splashing water on his face. When he came out, Eddie was holding his glasses for him. Eddie had pulled on some shorts and a hoodie.

“Thanks,” Richie whispered.

“Are you hungry?” Eddie asked. “I could make you some eggs.” Richie shook his head, no. “Do you want to just go back and lay down?” Richie nodded, yes. “Ok, I’ll be in in a minute, just gonna make you some tea.” Richie nodded again and went back to the bed. He pulled on his discarded sleep pants and tugged on one of Eddie’s hoodies before laying on the bed. Ray came in and curled up next to Richie, purring softly. Eddie returned a few minutes later when Richie’s phone started going off.

“I’ll get it,” Eddie said, handing Richie the mug before picking up Richie’s phone. “It’s Grace.” Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he rolled away. Eddie answered the call. “Hey, Grace. It’s Eddie.” Pause. “She wants to talk to you.” Richie rolled onto his back and shook his head, no. “He’s not ready to talk to anyone.” Pause. “Of course, of course. Bye, Grace.” He hung up. Eddie sat next to Richie on the bed and took Richie’s hand.

“Are you going to work?” Richie asked in a small voice. Eddie shook his head, no.

“I’m gonna take a few days off,” Eddie said.

“You don’t have to do that,” Richie murmured looking over at the other man.

“I know,” Eddie said. “I need the time, too. Mike can handle things at the library. He understands.”

“You talked to him?” Richie asked. Eddie nodded.

“I called him when you were in the bathroom,” Eddie said. Richie nodded and took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He sat up and sipped the tea. It was good. “Is there anything you need?” Eddie asked. Richie shook his head. He didn’t want this, didn’t want any of it. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for the next six months.

“Will you lay down with me?” Richie asked eventually.

“Of course,” Eddie said. Richie took another sip of tea and set it on the bedside table before scooting over to the other side of the bed. Eddie stretched out next to Richie and pulled him close. Richie closed his eyes, and slipped his fingers into Eddie’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my friend finished editing the fic, so i'm gonna post a bunch today/this weeks.
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr: benhanscomisnotstraight


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: grief, homophobic slurs, homophobic family

He must have fallen back to sleep, because the next thing he knew his phone was ringing again. He twisted to answer it, but Eddie got to it first.

“Hello?” Eddie said softly. “He’s asleep.” Richie could _just_ make out the sound of his dad’s voice. “When he wakes up, I’ll have him call you back. Bye.” He hung up the phone and set it down.

“What did my dad want?” Richie asked, and Eddie jumped.

“Jesus, I thought you were asleep,” Eddie said.

“Sorry,” Richie said. He pulled Eddie’s arm closer around him. “What did my dad want?”

“He wants you to come over,” Eddie said. “To talk about the funeral.” Richie groaned and rolled around to face Eddie.

“Did he say when?” Richie asked.

“Everyone is going over for dinner,” Eddie said. Richie cleared his throat. He didn’t want to go alone, but he couldn’t ask Eddie to come with him. His dad didn’t behave on a good day, and this _was not_ a good day.

“What time is it now?” Richie asked.

“A little after two,” Eddie said. Richie rolled over and kissed Eddie gently. “I’m gonna come with you.” Richie shook his head, no.

“You can’t. My family…”

“I can take it,” Eddie argued.

“Probably,” Richie agreed and sighed. “This fucking sucks.”

“Which is why I’m coming with you,” Eddie said, and Richie gave a half smile and shook his head.

“You really shouldn’t,” Richie said and Eddie looked at him seriously.

“And I think you shouldn’t go alone,” Eddie said sternly. Richie bit his lip.

“I’m not going to win this fight, am I?” Richie asked and Eddie shook his head, no.

“It’ll be ok,” Eddie said. Richie bit his lip again.

“Eddie,” Richie whispered, his throat tight. “Thank you for taking care of me. I mean we haven’t seen each other in over ten years, and you just fucking took me in.” Eddie shrugged.

“It’s what Stan would have done,” he said. Richie nodded.

“Stan probably wouldn’t have given me a hand job, but sure,” Richie said laughing. Eddie rolled his eyes, grinning. Richie sighed, clearing his throat. “I had a dream about him, I think,” Richie said. “I don’t remember much, just we were at the Barrens and talking. I can’t remember what about,” he lied. “Something about my ma? I can’t remember. I just remember being so annoyed at him.” Richie shook his head. “I miss him.”

“Me too,” Eddie said sadly, and Richie kissed Eddie’s cheek.

“I’m sorry if any of this is fucking you up,” Richie said. “I know Stan wasn’t that long ago.” Eddie shook his head.

“Oh, Richie, no,” Eddie said. “Don’t- don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” Richie didn’t argue. He didn’t have the energy. Eddie kissed him and got up. “I’m going to go take a shower. Will you be ok?” Richie nodded as he pulled a pillow closer. He closed his eyes and tried to not think about how much his heart hurt. He couldn’t fucking believe this was _really_ happening, and that he didn’t have to go alone because Eddie was coming with him.

Before he’d come back to Derry, he’d thought of Eddie and the rest of them now and again like most people did about high school friends. Out of all of them, it was Eddie he missed the most. It was hard to believe he was laying in Eddie’s bed.

It was hard to believe his ma was really dead.

Eddie came out a few minutes later.

“Shower’s all yours,” Eddie said as he walked to his closet, towel around his waist. Richie sighed. He knew he had to, just wished he could lay there for a while longer.

“I don’t want to go,” Richie said. Eddie turned from where he was picking out a shirt.

“I get that,” Eddie said slowly and pulled the shirt on.

“No, I mean, I _really_ don’t want to go,” Richie said as a tear slipped down his cheek. He brushed it away quickly, sniffling. Eddie sat next to Richie in nothing but a long sleeved shirt and some boxer briefs.

“Richie,” Eddie said, but Richie sat up and shook his head, rubbing his eyes. He knew _exactly_ what Eddie was going to say.

“I _have_ to go,” Richie said. “The family is expecting me.” He took a shaky breath.

“Richie, your mom just died. You don’t have to _do_ anything. Of all the days in your life, today is one day where all social obligations fly out the window,” Eddie said, and Richie shook his head.

“My family would never forgive me,” Richie said in a low voice. “I have to go.” He got up and went to the bathroom before Eddie could say anything else. He stripped and turned the water on in the shower. When he got in, he just stood there for a long time, just letting the water wash over him. He’d slept most of the day, and he was still so _fucking_ tired.

_That’s the grief,_ a small voice in his head said. Richie’s body tingled and he let out a small sob. Nothing was ever going to be ok again.

Eventually, he picked up Eddie’s soap and started washing himself. When he was clean he turned the water off and stood dripping in the shower for a long time. After a while, Eddie knocked on the door.

“Richie? You ok in there?” Eddie asked.

“I’m fine,” Richie said and grabbed his towel. After he dried off, Richie went out to the front room and pulled some clean jeans out of the suitcase along with some underwear and socks. Eddie was in the kitchen making something to eat. Richie said nothing, just went into the bedroom and got dressed. He pulled on a large hoodie of Eddie’s and went back out to the front.

“Mind if I borrow this?” Richie asked. “I’m out of clean shirts.” Eddie looked over at him as he handed Richie a grilled cheese sandwich.

“No, go for it,” Eddie said. Richie took the sandwich to the couch and as soon as he sat down, Ray came over meowing loudly.

“Hey there,” Richie said scritching the cat’s head.

“Don’t give him any cheese!” Eddie warned. “His shits are so fucking gross when he gets any dairy.” Ray meowed innocently as Richie took a bite of the sandwich. It was tasteless. He set the sandwich on the plate. Taking a deep breath, he scratched behind the cat’s ears and closed his eyes. He opened his eyes when he felt Ray batting at his sandwich.

“What the fuck, you little wannabe thief,” Richie said pulling the sandwich away. Ray blinked up at him, purring. Richie rolled his eyes and took another bite of the sandwich. Eddie came over and sat next to Richie with his own sandwich.

Richie only managed half of the sandwich before he gave up.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t eat more,” Richie said, getting up and heading to the bedroom to get his phone.

“It’s ok,” Eddie said as he went into the bathroom. Sighing, Richie picked up his phone. He had a couple missed calls from his dad, and several text messages from his assistant, and one from Grace.

Richie opened the one from Grace.

_Grace 12:34 pm: Hey, I know you’re not ready to talk, I just wanted you to know we love you. We’re here for you. Anything you need, just let us know._   
_Richie 2:47 pm: Love you, too._

He exited his Messages and opened his contacts. Groaning, he selected his dad’s name and put the phone up to his ear. His dad answered a few seconds later.

“Hello,” his dad said. Richie took a deep breath.

“Hi, dad,” Richie said. “I’m just calling you back.”

“Took you long enough,” Richie’s dad said. Richie just took a deep breath and let it out slowly, waiting. “We’re going to eat at seven. If you could squeeze us into your busy day, I hope you can come. We need to talk about funeral arrangements.” Richie rolled his eyes.

“Can’t that wait until tomorrow?” Rchie asked. “I’ll come for dinner, but can’t we just take today-”

“There is a lot of family here, and more who want to come pay their respects, so no, we can’t wait,” Richie’s dad said.

“Alright,” Richie said. “I could come over right now if that works for you.” Richie’s dad huffed.

“Love how you assume I’m not busy.”

“Who is playing now?” Richie asked and his dad grunted, annoyed.

“Such a fucking smart ass,” his dad said. “Are you bringing your little faggy boyfriend?” Richie winced.

“Yes, Eddie is coming,” Richie said. “And I would prefer you not use language like that around him.”

“ _I would prefer if you didn’t use that language around him_ ,” his dad mocked. “Fucking God damned snowflake.” Richie rubbed his eyebrow. “I’ll see you both when you get here,” he said and hung up.

Richie dropped his phone on the floor and flopped on his side and closed his eyes. A few minutes later, Eddie came into the bedroom.

“Hey,” Eddie said. He sat down next to Richie.

“My dad is such a fucking asshole,” Richie said.

“Yeah, he is,” Eddie agreed. Richie blew a raspberry into the air.

“You know my dad is probably going to call you something nasty.” Eddie nodded.

“He usually does when he sees me or Mike or Nathan,” Eddie admitted and Richie looked up at him.

“What?” Richie growled and Eddie shrugged.

“It is what it is,” Eddie said.

“No, Eddie.” Richie sat up. “That is so fucked! What the _fuck_ is his problem?”

“It’s honestly not-” Eddie started and Richie glared at him.

“Do not say a big deal! Do not say it is not a big deal, because of course it is a big deal,” Richie hissed. Eddie studied Richie for a moment.

“It is a big deal,” he agreed. “But your dad isn’t going to change.” Richie huffed.

“Why do I care so much about what he thinks?” Richie asked.

“Because he’s your dad.”

“Why should that even matter?” Richie asked. “I don’t put up with homophobic douche canoes in my personal life.”

“Yeah, and normally you don’t talk to him,” Eddie pointed out and Richie groaned.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with him either.”

“You’re right, and guess what? I only see him a few times a year in the grocery store or a restaurant. He doesn’t come to the library and I don’t go where he is,” Eddie said.

“So then why are you coming with me?”

“Because I want to be able to pull you out of there as soon as possible if you need it,” Eddie said. “How about this, you let me come and I’ll buy you any ice cream you want. From anywhere.”

“So, Whacky Burger?” Richie asked, laughing. “Because Derry sucks ass and doesn’t have any chain restaurants.” They both laughed, and Richie rubbed his face. “Alright,” Richie said. “So long as you know what you’re fucking getting yourself into.” Laughing, Eddie leaned into Richie and kissed him lightly on the lips.

“You ready to go?” Richie asked.

“Yeah,” Eddie said, standing up. He held out a hand and helped Richie up. Richie pulled Eddie close and kissed him gently for several long minutes, hand on his neck, thumb stroking just under his ear. When they pulled apart, Richie hugged Eddie tightly.

“I still think this is going to be a mistake, but I’m so relieved I don’t have to go alone.”

“I know,” Eddie said. He kissed Richie’s cheek. “I have to use the bathroom but then we can go.” He left Richie alone, and he just stood there for a few minutes. When he heard Eddie flush, he took a deep breath and went to find his shoes and jacket.

It was such an overcast day. The snow was coming for sure. They got in the car and Eddie drove down Main.

“Can we stop and get coffee?” Richie asked, thinking if he had something nice to drink, he would be able to either bite his tongue or at least not be tempted to punch anyone.

“Sure,” Eddie said. “Did you want to come in?” Richie licked his lips as Eddie parked.

“Only if you push away any fans,” Richie only half joked, smiling over at Eddie. Eddie laughed and kissed Richie’s cheek.

“Come on,” Eddie said. They held hands as they went in. Bill was working behind the counter and looked up to greet them. When he realized who it was, he spilled the drink he’d been making.

“Oh, oh, shit!” He yelled as hot coffee splashed everywhere. Everyone looked at Bill and he cleared his throat as he did his best to ignore them and clean up his mess. One of the other workers came and took over the cleaning so Bill could finish making the drink. Despite the long line in front of them, Bill came around the counter and pulled Richie into a tight hug as soon as he’d handed over the drink to its waiting customer.

“I am so sorry,” Bill said, voice thick with emotion. Richie hugged the other man back just as tight. When they pulled apart, Bill wiped his cheek and hugged Eddie. “What are you doing here?” He asked as he let go of the other man.

“I have to go to my parents’.” Richie paused, his chest tightening a little. “I have to go to my dad’s house. We have funeral stuff to talk about.” Bill looked at him, shocked.

“But can’t that wait for tomorrow?” Bill asked. Richie shrugged.

“Apparently not,” he said, laughing without humor.

“What do you want to drink? I’ll make it for you so you can get out of here,” Bill offered.

“We can wait,” Richie said. Bill looked at him, head cocked a little. “The more time I have to wait, the less time I have to be there.”

“Fair.” Bill hugged Richie again. “Text or call me if you need anything. Anytime.”

“Thanks,” Richie said. Bill went back to the counter and Richie sighed, leaning into Eddie a little. Eddie slipped his hand into Richie’s and they just stood there in silence waiting for their turn. When they got up to the counter, Bill smiled up at them.

“What can I get you fellas?” He asked, glancing at their laced fingers but not saying anything.

“Can I get a dirty chai?” Eddie asked.

“And do you have cold brew?” Richie asked.

“Sure do,” Bill said. “Cream?”

“Please,” Richie said, pulling out his wallet.

“Put that away,” Bill said as he turned to make their drinks. Richie huffed.

“I can pay,” Richie grumbled, but Bill ignored him. When he came back, Richie tried to hand him a twenty, but Bill shook his head, no.

“Bill,” Richie groaned.

“Richie,” Bill griped back. He cleared his throat. “Please,” he said, quieter. “Let me do this for you.” Richie nodded, biting his lip a little.

“Thanks,” Richie said, putting his money back in his wallet. Bill smiled at him.

“Text me if you need anything,” Bill said again.

“Bye,” Eddie said. They left and got back in the car. “You ready for this?” Eddie asked, and Richie shook his head, no. Eddie took his hand and they drove to Richie’s childhood home in silence. There were a lot of cars there already, and Richie sighed.

“Last chance to back out,” Richie said looking up at the house. Eddie squeezed his hand. “Alright,” Richie breathed. “Let’s get this over with.” The two men got out of the car and closed their doors with hollow thuds. Richie led Eddie up the path and opened the door.

“Knock, knock,” Richie called as they went in. Elliot saw them first and did nothing to hide the disgust on his face when he saw Eddie. They took off their coats and put them on some empty hooks by the door.

“Hey, Elliot,” Richie said, pushing his glasses up his nose as they went in the kitchen.

“So glad you could grace us with your presence,” Elliot said.

“Where’s my dad?” Richie asked. Elliot huffed, clearly annoyed Richie wasn’t going to try and fight him.

“Like you care,” he growled.

“That you Richie?” Richie’s dad called from the living room. Richie looked his cousin up and down, glaring. Eddie touched Richie’s arm and Richie just shook his head, letting out a deep breath.

“Yeah, dad,” he said and turned away. He went into the front room, Eddie right behind him. The smell of alcohol nearly choked them. Richie looked sharply at Eddie who just pushed his friend into the room a little. Sighing, Richie looked back at his dad. His dad looked up at him.

“Took you long enough,” his dad said and belched loudly.

“We came as soon as we could,” Richie said, and his dad scoffed as he looked at their coffee cups. “Did you want to talk about the funeral?”

“After dinner,” Richie’s dad said. He got up and went to get another beer. Richie pushed Eddie back into the hall, leaning close to him.

“Jesus fuck me,” Richie whispered. “He’s going to fucking pass out soon. How the _fuck_ is he even standing?” Eddie shrugged a little. “Are you ok? With this?” He indicated to the several cans of beer in a trashcan next to his dad.

“I’ll be fine,” Eddie reassured him. “And the minute I’m not, I’ll step outside, ok?” Richie nodded. He wanted to kiss him but he didn’t dare even touch his shoulder, he could feel the homophobic slurs already on the tips of his family’s tongues. Richie’s dad came back in a minute later.

“You two want a beer?” He asked, and Richie shook his head, no.

“We’re good,” Richie said. His dad scoffed

“Sorry I don’t have any _fruity_ drinks for you,” his dad said, opening his beer. Richie opened his mouth, closed it, and looked back at Eddie who shook his head, no. Richie nodded once. “Come watch the game,” Richie’s dad said as he went to the living room.

_This is a trap,_ Richie thought to himself. Eddie stepped close behind him, squeezing his wrist tightly for a moment and then let go, tugging Richie’s sleeve.

“Come on,” Eddie whispered. Richie followed Eddie into the front room and they looked around. Elliot was sitting on the couch next to his wife, arm casually around her shoulder. Other people sat on the floor or on chairs they’d brought in from other rooms. Some of his younger cousins were sitting in front of the TV while a couple were squashed into one of the arm chairs. There was only one recliner left. Eddie didn’t hesitate, just sat next to it on the floor clearing his throat meaning for Richie to take the chair. Sitting, Richie shoved his leg close to Eddie and the other man leaned back. Richie tried to direct all of his attention there rather than on the fact that his ma had just died and his homophobic family sat all around him, waiting.

Five minutes went by. Ten. Twenty.

Nearly an hour later, the front door opened and Grace and her family came in. She glanced in the living room and saw Richie, eyebrows raised. Richie pointed to his dad and shrugged. The kids hung up their coats and came into the living room to say hi to everyone. Rachel saw Richie and climbed into his lap, resting her head on Richie’s chest. Mason sat next to Eddie, and Bryant went to bother the two kids in the other recliner.

Richie sat there for another twenty minutes before he realized none of his family had cheered or booed since he got in there.

_We are completely fucking different, and my ma’s death still fucked them up,_ Richie thought to himself. He shifted Rachel in his arms a little. He didn’t like that thought, didn’t want them to share his grief. He huffed and pulled Rachel a little closer, and she sighed, deep in sleep.

“Everyone ok with pizza?” Grace called from the kitchen.

“Sounds good,” Richie’s dad called back. Rachel woke with a start and began crying.

“Shh,” Richie said, rubbing her back. “It’s ok, I’ve got you.” But Rachel didn’t want him. She pushed out of his arms and hesitated.

“Mommy?” She called as she went to the hall.

“In here, sweets,” Grace called, and Richie sighed. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Eddie smiled up at him. Richie nodded and stared at the TV screen without really seeing anything. He fucking hated sports, football being the very worst. He closed his eyes.

“Hey, Richie? Eddie? Could you come here please?” Adam asked. Richie jumped up and held out a hand to help Eddie up. Richie’s hand lingered in Eddie’s hand as they went into the kitchen silently.

“Grace ordered the pizza, but would you both mind going to get it?” Adam asked and Richie raised an eyebrow.

“Why-” Richie started but Eddie nudged him.

“Sure, we’ll get it,” Eddie said. “Pizza My Heart?” Adam nodded. “Come on.” Eddie grabbed Richie’s arm and let his fingers slip over Richie’s fingers.

“Here’s my card,” Grace said, struggling to pull out her wallet while still holding Rachel. “Call me if they give you any trouble,” she said when she finally got her card free.

“Will do,” Eddie said, taking the card and shoving it in his pocket. “Come on.” Eddie led Richie to the front door. They tugged on their coats and stepped out into the cold.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: homophobic family, grief, ask for other cw?

When they got to the car, Richie looked at Eddie. “Why?”

“Because it gets you the fuck out of there,” Eddie said, leaning close to Richie, kissing his cheek before unlocking the door and getting in.

“Oh,” Richie said as he ran around to the other side and jumped in. He took Eddie’s hand and clung tightly.

“Is there anything I can do?” Eddie asked as they sat there not moving. Richie shook his head, no. Yawning, he rested his head against the cool window and stared up at the house. He couldn’t wait until he _never_ had to come back. Eddie turned on the car and they took off down the road. All together, their trip took about twenty minutes, but that was twenty mintes he didn’t have to worry about someone saying something shitty.

They carried the pizzas in, and everyone crowded around them. Grace had just gotten cheese and pepperoni, and a lot of people grumbled, but Richie just pushed past them, leaving Eddie to get them some food. He hesitated in the hall. The last thing he wanted to do was go back in the front room.

“Hey, Richie, come on,” Eddie said. “Grace and her family are going to the den.” Richie took a deep breath and sent up a thanks to the powers that be. His dad couldn’t argue with hanging with his cousin and her family.

The den was just down the hall, smaller than the front room, and so much better. Grace and Adam had grabbed a couple of pizzas, some sodas, and some plates. Rachel sat next to her mom picking at the cheese on her pizza as she stared at the TV. She smiled a little at Richie but for once didn’t get up to come to him. Richie tried to not take it personally. He couldn’t imagine what she was going through.

“Pepperoni or cheese?” Eddie asked. Richie shrugged.

“Uh, cheese is fine,” Richie said. Eddie nodded and gave him a couple of slices on a paper plate. Richie stared down at the pizza. Normally he loved pizza, but even pizza sounded (and looked) disgusting. Eddie sat down on the loveseat after getting some for himself. He leaned into Richie, turning towards the TV. Richie glanced at the TV and smiled briefly. They were watching Spongebob.

When Eddie was done with his pizza, he pulled out his phone and began texting someone. A few seconds later Richie’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He squirmed awkwardly and pulled out his phone. It was, of course, Eddie.

_Eddie 7:27 pm: You really should eat, you know._   
_Richie 7:28 pm: You couldn’t say that out loud?_   
_Eddie 7:28 pm: I didn’t want to worry the kids._

Richie looked over at Rachel who was sitting in her mom’s lap, pizza forgotten, head resting on her mom’s chest.

_Richie 7:31 pm: I’m not hungry._   
_Eddie 7:32 pm: That wasn’t really a suggestion._

Richie let out a small groan of disgust and took a bite of the pizza. The bread was tough and dry, the cheese heavy and thick. He chewed and swallowed. He took another bite and tried not to gag. Eddie squeezed his knee. Richie shifted, pulling up his left arm and wrapping it around Eddie’s shoulders. Grace glanced at him but said nothing. He took another bite of pizza as Eddie’s fingers gently circled Richie’s free wrist. Richie finished the slice and managed another before setting his plate aside. He took a deep breath and settled deeper into the loveseat. He closed his eyes and a few minutes later, he dozed off. He could still hear what was going on around him, but didn’t have to respond. Eddie traced his fingers across Richie’s arm.

Some time later, Elliot came in. Eddie pulled up a little, jerking Richie awake.

“Hey, freak, your dad wants you,” Elliot said.

“Don’t be a dick, Uncle Elliot!” Mason yelled sharply. Richie rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“You shouldn’t talk to your elders like that,” Elliot growled back. Richie stood up slowly. His head felt heavy and light at the same time, and the rest of his body felt like he’d been run over by a fucking truck. Everything hurt and he just stood there for a moment trying to find his balance. Eddie looked up at him, but Richie shook his head.

“You shouldn’t be a fucking bully!” Mason yelled. Grace tried to shush him, but he shook his head. “Why do you keep letting the family talk like that to Richie and Mr. Kaspbrak just because they are gay?” He stormed out of the room, thudding loudly down the hall.

“Mason!” Adam called as he got up and chased after his son. “Mason, wait!” Richie sighed and brushed past Elliot and went to find his dad. He was in the kitchen, another beer in his hand, surrounded by paperwork.

“Hey, dad,” Richie said. His dad looked up from the paper he’d been looking at.

“Have a seat,” his dad said. “Want a beer?”

“I’m good,” Richie said, and for once his dad let it go.

“I’m just going over some paperwork for the funeral home and the obituary. Am I going to have to pay someone to give the eulogy, or are you going to do it?”

Richie blinked. “What?” He asked, his chest tightening. Surely his dad wasn’t asking him to do what he thought his dad was asking him to do. His dad had to know that speaking at a funeral _wasn’t_ something he was equipped to do.

“Are you going to-”

“I heard you, but I can’t do that.”

“Why not? Don’t want to do it because you can’t make your little _gay_ jokes? Because you can’t talk about yourself? Because you can’t talk shit about your family?”

“Dad,” Richie said in a small voice. He pushed his glasses up and rubbed his face. “I didn’t say that.”

“Why can you do your little stand up, but not this?” His dad asked. “Is it because you’re full of shit and can’t do anything when it matters?”

“Dad, you’ve clearly seen my skits. I do roasts, I don’t- I’m not nice.”

“That’s not how your mother and I raised you,” Richie’s dad said.

Richie snorted with laughter. “I’m not fucking doing it. If you’re too fucking cheap, I’ll pay for someone to do it.”

“I’ll get you a list of names in the morning.”.

Richie sighed, rubbing his face.“And the obituary?”

Richie’s dad scratched his chin. “Maybe one of your cousins can do it.”

“Ok,” Richie said. He looked at his dad. “What else will we need?”

“Church, food, helping the family get places to stay. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to pay for all this fucking shit.” He was _so_ drunk.

“How much do you think everything will cost? Funeral, wake, all that?”

“Rough estimate about sixty-five hundred, but it will probably be more.”

“What do you have saved?”

“About a thousand. Medical bills have really piled up. And more are coming.”

“I’ll pay for it,” Richie said. His dad looked up at him.

“You’ll pay for what?” Richie’s dad asked.

“For everything,” he said. “Let me talk to my assistant, see what I can do.” Richie paused. “That work for you?” Richie’s dad studied him for a moment, but said nothing. “Anything else?”

“No,” Richie’s dad said. “You can leave. I know you and your little queer friend-”

“Since I’m paying for the funeral, you gotta knock that shit out, old man,” Richie interrupted. Richie’s dad looked up at him but closed his mouth. Richie took the papers and looked down at them. “This where you want to have the funeral?” It was the church his family had gone to for as long as Richie could remember.

“Where else would we have it?” Richie’s dad asked and Richie flapped his hand in annoyance. He gathered up the papers in a messy pile.

“I’m going now.” He turned and didn’t wait for a goodbye. He went back to the den. Mason was back and sitting on the loveseat next to Eddie. The older man glanced up when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye.

“Richie?” Eddie murmured. Richie shook his head, no, before lifting his chin towards the door. He cleared his throat.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Grace,” Richie said, and she jumped a little.

“Richie!” She said and Rachel whined in her arms. “Ok. Let me know if I can do anything?”

“Write the obituary?” Richie asked and she looked up at him.

“Seriously?” She asked.

“Please,” he nodded. “I’ll get it to the paper, but I can’t write it.”

“Don’t worry,” Grace said. “I’ll do it tonight.” Richie smiled and looked over at Eddie.

“Are you ready to go?” Richie asked. Eddie nodded and got up, stretching. Mason got up, too, and hugged Richie tightly. “See you tomorrow, kiddo,” Richie said and ruffled his nephew’s hair.

“Ok,” Mason whispered and squeezed Richie again before letting him go. He went over to Eddie and hugged him too. “You coming too?” 

Eddie nodded.“Someone has to keep your cousin in line.” Richie snorted.

“I’m sorry my family is so mean,” Mason said and Eddie nodded.

“I am too,” Eddie said before turning back to Richie. “Ready?” 

Richie waved at the rest of them and they left. Elliot started to get up, but Richie rushed to the front door and grabbed his jacket. He left without putting it on. Neither of them said anything as they got in and Eddie started the car. He looked over at Richie.

“Do you-” Eddie started but Richie just grabbed his hand and held tightly.

“When we get back to your place,” Richie said in a low voice. Eddie cleared his throat and nodded. He squeezed Richie’s hand. They drove in silence. 

When they got back, Richie sat there for a long moment before getting out. Eddie waited, just watching him. Eventually Richie got out, and then led Eddie up the stairs. He took Eddie’s keys and unlocked the door. Before Eddie had closed the door behind them, Richie was tugging out of his clothes, leaving them in a trail as he went to the bedroom. He dropped the papers near the bedroom door and they scattered everywhere.

“Let me feed Ray, and I’ll be right there,” Eddie called. 

Richie didn’t say anything, just flopped face first on the bed. He felt flat, nothing really mattered. He lay there on top of the blankets, too tired to even pull himself fully on the bed, much less pull the blankets over him. A few minutes later, Eddie came in. He tugged out of his own clothes and laid down on his back looking down at Richie, who just sighed.

“Hey,” Eddie said a moment later.

“Hey,” Richie whispered. 

He sighed again and pulled himself up closer to Eddie, wrapping his arms around Eddie. Eddie rubbed Richie’s back and waited. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

“Guess who is paying for the funeral,” Richie said. Neither of them said anything for a few minutes. “Who knew dying could be so expensive?” 

Eddie just looked down at him. “What happened?”

Richie swallowed. “There is no way my dad can afford this, and he’s too stubborn to ask for help from the rest of the family.”

“Your dad has a lot of pride,” Eddie said eventually. “It’s nice that you can do this.”

“He doesn’t fucking deserve it,” Richie said bitterly, his face curled up in anger.

“He doesn’t,” Eddie agreed.

“I should just fucking leave. I should just- I should just go.” They fell silent again.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” 

Richie shook his head, no.“I’m going to call my assistant tomorrow and have them get a bunch of it set up,” Richie said. He yawned and twisted to try and pull the blanket around him, but it was stuck under him. He whined and huffed.

“Roll over on your side,” Eddie said, and Richie flopped away. Eddie sat up and tugged at the blankets. “Alright, come on.” Richie flopped back to Eddie who pulled the blankets up around Richie’s shoulders. Richie lay curled up next to Eddie, not quite touching. “Better?” Richie just sighed and handed over his glasses. Eddie leaned over and traded the glasses for the remote. He turned on the TV and put something stupid on.

Tears rolled down Richie’s cheeks, his chest tight. Eddie glanced down at him as he choked out a sob, and Eddie scooted so he could pull Richie closer, kissing his hair, his forehead, his face. Richie clung tightly to Eddie, his fingers digging deeply into Eddie’s sides.

“I’m here,” Eddie whispered. “I’ve got you. Let it out.” Richie sniffled and held tightly onto Eddie. It was all so much, just so fucking much. He cried for a long time, and Eddie just held him tight.

“Why did she fucking have to die?” Richie managed. “Why-” Eddie squeezed him. “Eddie, please-” He wanted it to stop, wanted the pain to fucking go away. He knew there was nothing Eddie could do about it, nothing anyone could do about it.

“I’ve got you,” Eddie whispered. “I’m here.” He kissed Richie’s forehead again. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. And then another. He squeezed Eddie and then pulled away.

“I’ll be right back,” Richie said, and Eddie let him go. After untangling himself, he got up and went to the bathroom. When he came back. Eddie was sitting up texting someone. He looked up at Richie.

“Feeling a little better?” Eddie asked, and Richie stretched out next to his friend.

“Not really,” he whispered. Eddie took his hand and squeezed. Richie closed his eyes and let sleep take over him.

He woke up a few hours later, Eddie cuddled up against his side, breathing softly. On his other side, Ray was purring and licking Richie’s head. Richie reached up and petted the cat a little before kissing the top of Eddie’s head. He untangled himself from everything and went to the bathroom. He used the toilet without turning on the light and went back to the bedroom. He grabbed his phone from the floor. Looking down at it for a minute, he figured he may as well get to texting his assistant, Max.

After grabbing his glasses, Richie went into the kitchen and flicked the light on. The stack of papers was on the table. Rubbing his face, he grabbed them and sat down. He opened his phone and sighed.

It was barely three in the morning, and there were so many missed messages and calls. He ignored them and opened his text messages and selected his conversation with Max.

_Richie 3:04 am: Hey, you still up?_

He knew Max would be. Max hated sleeping, and it was barely midnight in California. It still took a few minutes to get a response.

_Max 3:17 am: Hey! I was starting to get worried! You doing ok?_

Richie bit his lip and pushed call. Max picked up on the first ring.

“My ma died,” Richie blurted before Max could say anything. Silence.

“I’m so sorry,” Max said. “That sucks so much.”

“Yeah,” Richie agreed and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“Are you doing ok?” Max asked.

“Not really,” Richie said and briefly told them what happened over the past few days minus the fact that he’d hooked up with Eddie. He wasn't sure why he didn’t tell Max about that, it wasn’t like they weren’t going to be able to miss it when they got there, but Richie just couldn’t get the words together in a way that made sense.

“Wow, that really fucking sucks,” Max said. “I can be there this afternoon.”

“What? No, you don’t-”

“If you want my help setting up the funeral, it will be a hell of a lot easier if I’m there.”

“Yeah, but my family fucking sucks,” Richie said.

“I can handle myself.”

“Max.”

“I’m coming whether you want me to or not,” Max said. 

Richie sat there for a moment, just breathing. He really did not want Max to come. The less people who had to meet his family, the better. They were going to be fucking unbearable, but what choice did Richie have? There was no way he was going to be able to do this alone.

“Alright,” Richie said. “Do you want us to pick you up at the airport?”

“Sure, if you can swing it, but don’t worry if you can’t. Maybe someone cute will be my Uber driver,” Max said, laughing. Richie smiled a little.

“Ok, just text me the flight details,” he said and paused. “And Max?”

“Yeah, Richie?”

“Thanks,” Richie said.

“Any time,” Max said and hung up. Richie sighed and put the phone down. He didn’t deserve Max, didn’t deserve any of his friends really. He stared down at the kitchen table as he started crying again.

_Eventually, I’m just going to shrivel up like a prune,_ he thought to himself. _I wonder who holds the world record in crying._

He jumped when Eddie came in and touched his shoulder.

“Eddie,” he whispered.

“What are you doing out here, Richie?” Eddie asked. Richie wiped one of his eyes.

“My assistant, Max, is coming this afternoon to help with the funeral stuff,” Richie said, pulling away. He took off his glasses and set them down on the table.

“That’s nice of him,” Eddie said. Richie nodded a little, rubbing his face in earnest.

“Them,” Richie corrected.

“Them,” Eddie repeated.

“I hope I didn’t wake you up,” Richie said through his hands. “I’m such a fucking mess.”

“You’re fine,” Eddie said. “I got up to use the bathroom and got concerned when you weren’t there.” Richie pulled Eddie into his lap and just shoved his face in the other man’s chest.

_I love you,_ he thought to himself. _God, I love you so much. I am going to miss this so much._

_I told you this was a mistake,_ Stan whispered in his ear, and Richie shivered.

“You cold?” Eddie asked, rubbing Richie’s back.

“Yeah,” Richie lied. “Let’s go back to bed.”

“Ok,” Eddie said. He got up and led Richie back to the bedroom. They laid down, and Richie took his time falling back to sleep. Laying in the dark, he stared at Eddie, who was little more than a blur, and tried to not think about Stan.

Eventually he fell asleep, and didn’t wake up until nearly eleven when Eddie gently shook his shoulder to wake him.

“Max is on the phone,” Eddie said. Richie groaned a little and held his hand out for the phone.

“Hey, Max, what’s up?” Richie asked.

“Flight is booked, I’ll be there at 7:20 pm. Who answered the phone? Was that Eddie? He sounds cute!” Max said and Richie rolled his eyes.

“What airline?”

“Southwest,” Max said. Richie put his hand over the phone.

“Any plans tonight around 7?” Richie asked Eddie. Eddie shook his head, no. “Can we go pick up my assistant from the airport?”

“Sure,” Eddie said.

“We’ll be there,” Richie said.

“Ok, see you soon Richie,” Max said and hung up. Richie dropped his phone next to him on the bed. Eddie rubbed his back for a minute.

“Are you ready to be awake?” Eddie asked eventually. Richie shook his head, no. “Fair. Do you want me to leave you alone?” Richie shook his head again. Eddie leaned over and grabbed the remote before pushing himself back up to the top of the bed. As he turned on the TV, Richie crawled over and curled up between Eddie’s legs, putting his head on the other man’s stomach. He closed his eyes but didn’t sleep. “Do you like dogs?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah,” Richie said in a small voice.

“Want to watch some Wholesome Dog Content?” Eddie asked and Richie shrugged. “This Youtuber made a video where she made her dogs a train.”

“What?” Richie asked. Eddie leaned over and grabbed Richie’s glasses.

“Look,” Eddie said. Richie rolled around and leaned back against Eddie, pulling the other man’s arms around his sides. On the TV, a woman wearing a beanie sat on her bathroom floor watching something on her phone. It was a video of cats in little storage bins on wheels tied together with ribbons.

“What?” Richie asked again. He relaxed into Eddie and watched the woman and her boyfriend build a train for their three small dogs while a larger one barked playfully around them. When it was over, Eddie let autoplay pick the next video. They sat there for a long time just watching Youtube and not saying anything. After a while, Ray came in and curled up on Richie’s chest.

Several videos later, Richie got up and used the bathroom. When he came back out he found Eddie pulling some of his clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer.

“I hope you don’t mind that I washed your stuff,” Eddie said.

“That’s fine,” Richie said and his stomach rumbled.

“Hungry?” Eddie asked, and Richie nodded. “In the mood for anything?”

“Chinese?” Richie asked.

“You got it,” Eddie said. “Let me get this started and I’ll go pick some up. There’s a menu on the fridge.” Richie went into the kitchen and found the menu. He glanced it over. Eddie came in a minute later.

“Sweet and sour pork, fried rice and lo mein, some egg rolls, and crab rangoon, please,” Richie said. He went to reach for his wallet but realized it wasn’t in his pants. “Where’s my wallet?”

“It’s on the counter, but don’t worry about it,” Eddie said. “I got it.”

“Eddie,” Richie said.

“Richie, let me do this for you.”

“You’ve already done so much for me,” Richie muttered as Eddie hugged him, tugging Richie’s arms around him.

“I know,” Eddie said. Richie just sighed loudly and kissed Eddie’s hair.

“Fine,” Richie said.

Eddie kissed his cheek before heading to the bedroom to pull on clothes. Richie flopped back on the bed and glanced up at the TV. Youtube was still playing, so he just curled around Ray and watched as the woman tried to spray paint crocs.

“I’ll be back,” Eddie said as he tugged on his jacket.

“Bye,” Richie said. Ray purred loudly next to him, licking his face, and Richie smiled down at the cat.

“Why are you so fucking cute?” He whispered as his phone went off. It was his dad. Licking his lips and closing his eyes, Richie answered the phone. “Hi, dad, what’s up?”

“Are you coming over today? Have you come up with any plans? Or have you just been sleeping?” His dad asked the questions in rapid fire, not letting Richie respond.

“No, sort of, yes,” Richie said.

“What?”

“No, I wasn’t planning on coming over today. I sort of have a plan. Well, my assistant is coming and going to help. I’m picking them up at the airport later. Yes, I just woke up, I couldn’t sleep last night,” Richie said. 

His dad _hrmphed_. Richie sighed. He wished he understood why his dad wanted him there when he clearly hated him, but didn’t say anything. What _could_ he say?

“When are you going to the funeral home?” His dad finally asked. “Your mother had some very specific wishes.”

“Probably tomorrow. My assistant doesn’t come in until late this evening.” 

His dad grunted.“ Just let me know,” he said and hung up. 

Richie sighed. He let his phone drop back on the bed and rolled over onto his back, chest tight. Ray curled up into a loaf on top of him, and Richie scratched behind the cat’s ear.

A few minutes later, Eddie came back in.

“Jesus, fuck me, it’s cold out there!” Eddie yelled.

“Is it snowing yet?”

“Not yet, but it’s supposed to tonight,” Eddie said, coming in with the food. He sat down and Richie looked up at him.

“I’m not seeing my blood kin today,” he announced. Eddie leaned over and kissed his forehead.

“Good,” Eddie said. Richie moved the cat and sat up. The food smelled good. He actually managed quite a bit more food than he had the previous days before getting full.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: none

After putting their phones on ‘Do Not Disturb,’ they spent the rest of the day in bed just holding each other and watching Youtube, only getting up for more food or to use the restroom. Around four, Eddie fell asleep and Richie just lay there watching him. The other man was so much more amazing than Richie could ever have dreamed someone could be. After a bit, Richie got up and pulled on some clothes, shoes, and Bill’s borrowed jacket before heading out.

He walked down to Bill’s coffee shop. There were quite a few people, but no one was in line. Bill looked up from where he was writing at the counter.

“Hey, you,” Bill called across the shop. Richie waved. “Is it snowing yet? Where’s Eddie?”

“No, and he’s sleeping,” Richie said. “It’s been a rough couple of days.”

“I can imagine,” Bill said softly and then he looked sharply at Richie. “Did you walk here?”

“Yeah,” Richie said, eyebrow raised. Bill sighed.

“What do you want to drink?” He asked, clearly annoyed.

“What-” Richie tried.

“You can’t walk back. It’s too cold, and if the snow hits you could fucking _get lost_ and _die_. Now, what do you want?” 

Richie cleared his throat and turned to look out the window where a cold wind blew hard. _Am I really that stupid?_ He asked himself and then realized he didn’t even have his phone. _He really was that stupid._

“Two hot chocolates, please,” Richie said in a small voice. Bill nodded and made the drinks quickly. Just as he was putting his coat on, the shop phone began to ring.

“Derry Coffee Stop,” one of the workers said and listened. “Bill, it’s for you.”

“Who is it?” Bill asked. “Can you handle it? I have to-”

“It’s Eddie. He sounds upset,” the worker said. Bill glared at Richie and went to the phone.

“He’s here. He’s fine,” Bill said before Eddie could say anything. He listened for a moment. “Yeah, I’ll bring him back. We were on our way right now.” He hung up. “Don’t forget your drinks.” Richie got them and followed Bill to the parking lot.

“I’m sorry, Bill,” Richie said. 

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Bill started up the car.

“No, I’m sorry,” Bill said. “I just- I don’t think any of us could handle it if anything happened to you after what happened with Stan, and now your mom.” 

Richie nodded. They drove the rest of the way in silence. Eddie was waiting for Richie when he came in, and pulled him into a tight hug.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Eddie asked as he pulled away. “Do you have any idea what could have happened to you?” He caught sight of the drinks. “What-”

“It’s cold and I thought you might like some hot chocolate,” Richie said, and Eddie rolled his eyes and took a deep breath.

“You didn’t even take your phone,” Eddie said as he took one of the drinks. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to do something nice to thank you for everything.” Eddie’s face softened and he kissed him softly.

“I’m just glad you’re ok, you fucking asshole,” Eddie said. They went back to the bedroom and as they stretched out on the bed, Eddie pulled Richie’s arm around his shoulders, scooting close to him.

“What time should we leave for the airport?” Richie asked.

“Not till like 6:30 probably. Maybe 6 if it starts snowing,” Eddie said, not looking up from the TV screen. Richie took a deep breath and looked out the window just as it began to snow. He kissed Eddie’s hair.

“I always forget how pretty snowfall is,” Richie whispered. Eddie looked out the window and then back at Richie.

“It’s sunny all the time in LA, isn’t it?”

“For the most part,” Richie said.

“Do you miss the snow?”

“Not really,” Richie said. Eddie sighed and turned his attention back to the TV.

“I’m going to miss the sun,” Eddie said. A little bit later, he yawned and stretched. “I’m going to go take a shower. You should start getting ready. Traffic is going to be crazy.”

“Ok,” Richie said. Eddie kissed Richie on the mouth again before getting up. Richie sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before stretching out. He dozed off.

A bit later, Eddie came back in and ran his fingers through Richie’s hair.

“You just about ready?” Eddie asked. Richie yawned.

“I don’t want to go out there,” Richie said, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s waist. “It looks cold.” Eddie sat down on the bed next to Richie and rubbed his back.

“You want Max to have to wait at the cold airport?” Eddie asked and Richie groaned.

“I _guess_ I can go out. For them. Because they’re doing me a huge favor,” Richie said. He sat up and stretched, his back popping. “That felt good,” he said as he leaned over and grabbed his shoes, pulling them on as he sat on the bed.

“Do you know if Max got a hotel room?” Eddie asked.

“No clue,” Richie said, getting up. “Should we stop and get another space heater? Just in case they don’t have something lined up.”

“Sure,” Eddie said. “But we should stop on the way. People are going to panic buy them all.” Richie took Eddie’s hand on the way down to the car and squeezed. Before leaving town, they stopped and bought a space heater and made it to the airport just as Max’s plane was taxiing.

_Max 7:23 pm: Hey, just touched down. You here yet?_   
_Richie 7:25 pm: We just parked. See you in a few._

Eddie and Richie walked into the airport holding hands. There were so many people, and Richie felt his chest tightening a little. It was weird how quickly he’d forgotten what it was like to have large crowds of people around him constantly. Eddie squeezed his hand. They didn’t have to wait long before Max was coming down the escalator in a huge green coat and bright yellow backpack. Their long hair was in a messy bun on top of their head. When they saw Richie they squealed and started pushing past people on the escalator, apologizing the whole way. Richie stepped forward and pulled Max into a tight hug.

“Oh, Richie, Eddie is _cute!_ ” Max whispered in his ear. “Is he single?”

“Don’t even think about it,” Richie warned before pulling away. Eddie came over.

“Hey, Max. I’m Eddie.” He held his hand out to shake, but Max pulled him into a hug. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s _very_ nice to meet you,” Max said and Richie shot them a look.

“Did you check a bag?” Richie asked.

“Yeah,” Max said. “Where-” Richie pointed and they walked over to the baggage claim. Richie took Eddie’s hand again and Eddie kissed his cheek. Max pushed their way to the front of the baggage claim. After Max got their bag, they walked back out to the parking lot, Max telling them about their flight.

“As soon as the man walked up, I knew there were going to be issues,” Max said. “He had a MAGA hat on, and as soon as he saw me, he made a face. Once we were seated, he leaned as far away from me as he could out into the aisle, and kept getting hit by people, or being told off by the stewards. Finally, he sat right in his seat, but the fucker kept looking at me and sighing. It was hilarious,” Max said as they shoved their bag into the trunk of Eddie’s car. Max climbed into the backseat and kept going. “Eventually, I just pulled out my tablet and read Drarry fanfic in a huge font.” They all laughed.

“He didn’t complain?” Eddie asked.

“How could he? He was the one reading something on my tablet,” Max said and they all laughed again.

“Hey, you hungry?” Richie asked as they drove to the exit.

“ _Fucking starving,_ ” Max said. “You?”

“I could eat,” Richie said. “I haven’t had much of an appetite.” Max leaned forward and squeezed his shoulder.

“Anything sound good?” Eddie asked. Max shrugged.

“I’ll eat just about anything,” they said, laughing.

“They’re not kidding,” Richie said. “Have you ever heard of a prison burrito?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Eddie was clearly disgusted but he laughed anyway. “Anything sound good to you?” He asked Richie who also shrugged. “Fast food?”

“Taco Bell?” Max asked Richie. They knew Taco Bell was one of Richie’s favorite places, and he almost never said no. Richie shrugged again and Max frowned.

“Taco Bell is fine,” Eddie said, not missing Max’s look. Eddie took Richie’s hand and squeezed. Richie squeezed back, and didn’t let go. They drove in silence until they got to the restaurant and pulled into the drive-thru lane.

“Ok, what do you two want?” Eddie asked.

“I want a Nachos BellGrande combo with a Baja Blast, and Richie wants the steak Quesorito combo, the taco supreme, and Wild Cherry Pepsi,” Max said before Richie could shrug again. “Oh, also a large order of Cinnabon Delights.” Eddie looked at Richie.

“You heard them,” Richie said in a small voice. It was what he and Max always got. Unless there were rolled tacos in which case they always bought a shit ton.

“Ok,” Eddie said and pulled forward. Eddie got the Cruchwrap Supreme combo with a root beer. They sat in the parking lot while listening to an old Mumford & Sons album. When they were done, Eddie got out and threw the trash away.

“We’re going to have a Talk later,” Max said as soon as Eddie closed the door. Richie could _hear_ the capital _T_ in talk and he shuddered a little.

“About?” Richie asked, but for once Max just shook their head. Richie sighed. He knew he wasn’t going to like whatever the upcoming conversation was going to be. “Can we not and say we did?” Eddie came back to the car and got in.

“Fuck it’s cold!” He said.

“Speaking of cold, did you get a hotel room?” Richie asked. Max shook their head, no.

“I called a few places, but they either didn’t answer, or didn’t have any vacancies,” Max said.

“Well that’s ok,” Eddie said. “You can stay with us.”

“We got you a space heater,” Richie said. Max raised their eyebrows.

“You’re not allergic to cats, are you?” Eddie asked.

Max shook their head, no. “Cats are weird though.”

“What, because they’re not dogs?” Richie asked, laughing.

“Oh shut up!” Max said, gently punching Richie’s shoulder. They talked all the way home, and Richie just sat there enjoying it, trying to not think about his ma or how his dad would react when he met Max.

About halfway back to Derry, Eddie reached over and squeezed Richie’s knee. Richie took his hand and squeezed back. Stan was wrong. Stan was dead. _Stan had no idea what he was talking about._

Everything was fine.

When they got back to the apartment, it had already snowed several inches, and the roads were terrible. Max carried one of their bags, Eddie the other, and Richie rushed ahead with the space heater to open the door. Ray started meowing at his bowl as Richie turned on the light.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up,” Richie said, setting the heater down as the other two came in.

“Fuck, it’s warmer outside,” Max complained.

“That’s why we got you the space heater,” Richie said holding it up. Eddie had gone in his room and came out with some blankets and a pillow.

“Good thing you remembered to bring a jacket,” Eddie said to Max while giving a significant look to Richie.

“You came to _Maine_ in _October_ and didn’t bring a coat?” Max asked, mouth hanging open widely in disbelief.

“Oh, shut up,” Richie said again. Max rolled their eyes, but Eddie went and grabbed Richie’s suitcase to take back to Eddie’s room. Eddie glanced in.

“Did you at least bring anything to wear to the funeral?” Eddie asked and Richie looked away, blushing. Eddie sighed.

“Richie!” Max chided, and Richie just shrugged.

“You usually remind me of that kind of stuff,” Richie pointed out, and Max shook their head. Richie had texted Max that he was leaving the night before he left for Derry.

“Bathroom’s through there,” Eddie said coming back out. “You can put your bags there.” He pointed to where he’d just taken Richie’s bags from. Ray meowed loudly at Eddie’s feet. “Yes, yes, you needy little fucking bastard,” Eddie said, laughing. He went and fed the cat.

“How are you?” Richie asked Max, and Max shrugged.

“A little tired, but ok. Do you have any numbers or anything for me to start with tomorrow? I need your dad’s phone number,” Max said and Richie sighed.

“This is what he gave me,” Richie said, handing over the stack of papers from the kitchen table. “I think my cousin, Grace, did the obituary. I’ll give you her number, too.” He pulled out his phone and Eddie handed him a pen. Richie wrote the numbers on the back of a piece of paper. “My dad,” Richie started and paused. “You just tell me if he says anything shitty, and I’ll make sure it gets taken care of.”

“I’m sure I can handle it,” Max said as they took the papers and looked down at them. Eddie was busy setting up the space heater while Ray jumped up on Max’s suitcase and began sniffing it. Richie sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I’m serious, dude, don’t let that homophobic dildo treat you like shit,” Richie said.

“Is it ok if I go off on him?” Max asked.

“Please do!” Eddie said, surprising the other two. “And make sure you record it, because oh my gawd!” Eddie snorted with laughter. Richie rolled his eyes, although he did agree it would be hilarious.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Richie said. “And don’t really worry about cost. Unless the fuckers try and over charge us. Then-”

“I know how to plan an event,” Max said. “Just worry about yourself.” Richie rolled his eyes again and Eddie rubbed his face, yawning.

“Tired?” Richie asked bumping gently into Eddie’s shoulder with his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “It’s been- it’s been a long couple of days.”

“You go on to bed,” Richie said looking over at Max. “I just need to go over a few more things with Max.”

“Ok,” Eddie said. He kissed Richie and waved at Max on his way to bed. As soon as the door closed, Max threw their arms over their head in a _’what gives’_ gesture.

“What?” Richie asked.

“What the _fuck_ do you think you are doing?” Max asked.

“Staying with my friend…”

“Friend?” Max laughed. “Cause it looks like in the week that you’ve been gone, _you got fucking married!_ ” Max hissed. “ _We got you a space heater?!_ ”

“Max, shut up. You’ve been here-”

“What are you going to do when you have to go home?” Max asked. Richie clenched his jaw.

“And just for that, I’m going in there and we’re going to have really loud sex,” Richie hissed.

“ _You’ve had sex?!_ ” Max yelled.

“Oh my gawd! Keep your fucking voice down!” Richie groused. “ _What the fuck is wrong with you_?!” 

Max took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I just don’t like seeing you in pain, hun,” Max said softly.

“Oh yeah? And you think even if- even if that-” Richie paused “Please- I just feel like-” He stopped. “There is nothing I can say to get you to just leave me alone about this, is there?” Max shook their head, no. “Ugh. Whatever, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” He went to the bathroom without waiting for a response. He turned the water on, took off his glasses, and splashed some water on his face.

“Fuck,” he whispered. After brushing his teeth, he opened the door and looked over at the couch. Max was curled up in the blankets, watching something on their phone with their AirPods in. Richie went to Eddie’s room. Eddie was laying on his back watching Youtube again. He looked up at Richie.

“You ok?” Eddie asked. Richie didn’t respond, just shoved his glasses on the nightstand and pushed his way into Eddie’s arms. “Richie?” Eddie whispered. “You’re shaking.” Eddie rubbed his back. “What did I miss?”

“Nothing,” Richie said eventually.

“Liar,” Eddie said. “Is it your family?” Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Did Max do something?”

“I _really_ don’t wanna talk about it,” Richie said. “Not that there even is an _it._ I’m fine. Everything is fine.” Eddie’s hand stopped.

“No it’s not,” Eddie murmured. Richie sighed.

“I just-” He sat up and grabbed his glasses. “I don’t want to do this right now.” He got up and went to his suitcase. He changed into his pajamas and laid back down next to Eddie after putting his glasses on the bedside table. Facing away from the other man, Richie curled up on his side and closed his eyes.

“Richie?” Eddie whispered. Richie grunted. “Is it me?” Richie rolled over to face his friend.

“Eddie,” Richie held out his hand and Eddie took it. “Will you just hold me? Can we just pretend like nothing is wrong?” Eddie tugged him and Richie scooted closer. They lay there facing each other for a long time, neither of them saying anything. Eddie reached out and gently stroked Richie’s cheek with the back of his knuckles.

“Later,” Eddie agreed after several long moments. “Let’s just watch Youtube right now.” Richie kissed Eddie’s cheek. Eddie rolled away from Richie, still laying close. Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie’s chest, and Eddie laced his fingers through Richie’s.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: alcohol as a coping mechanism (not eddie), discussions of death/grieving

He dreamt of Derry.

He was 12 again, riding his bike during that fateful summer Georgie died. It was early summer though, a good month before the accident. That’s what the adults called it. An ‘accident.’ Richie could never understand that though. Some adult had decided it was ok to drive drunk and took the life of a 6 year old child. He had destroyed so many lives.

As an adult, Richie had read somewhere that when a couple loses a child, most of the time the relationship ends in divorce, and Richie still wasn’t sure how the Denbroughs got through that. For several years after Georgie died, Bill had bounced from Loser couch to Loser couch, but eventually the Denbroughs had somehow managed to get it together. So far as Richie knew, they still lived in the same house.

He dreamt he was 15 again, hanging in the Barrens alone at dusk. Most people didn’t want to go down there; they all thought it was gross and creepy. Richie didn’t really get why it was called the Barrens because it was beautiful during the summer.

He lay on his back in the dirt, staring up at the sky. He wondered how long he would have to be out there before his parents came looking for him. He had a few dollars, and he knew he could eat at his friends’ houses, so he thought about testing it, but at around 11 that night he got scared when he heard some twigs break but couldn’t see who was out there, so he went home. When he found the door locked, he went to Eddie’s.

The light in Eddie’s room was still on. He knocked gently on his friend’s window. Eddie opened the window and looked out at his friend. Smiling a little, he stepped aside and let Richie climb through without question.

He dreamt he was 18 again, standing with his friends in their caps and gowns at graduation. Bill’s arm hung around his and Bev’s necks, laughing. Richie couldn’t believe he’d actually done it, finally graduated. At the end of the summer he was going to get the fuck out of there, he was going to college, and he was going to breathe for the first time ever.

He dreamt of the end of that last summer, all of them hanging out at the Barrens for the last time before they split up. It had felt so surreal. Richie wanted to take them all with him, but he knew it wasn’t possible. Eddie was off to New York, Bill and Bev to Washington, Stan to Maryland, Ben to Denver, and Mike was headed to Florida. Richie, of course, was going to LA.

They had promised to keep in touch, but quickly school took over, and Richie had lost track of all of them one by one. He’d tried to hang onto Eddie for as long as possible, but eventually life took over.

He dreamt of Stanley Uris. Quiet, sweet Stanley Uris. Richie wondered what he was like as an adult, if he’d still been so quiet, so thoughtful. He knew he probably had been; Stan had always been so constant. Richie wondered what could have happened to make him leave like he did, how crushing the pain must have been.

Richie woke up slowly. The sun was just starting to come up, pink light filling Eddie’s room. The storm had blown itself out. Eddie lay next to him snoring gently. Richie got up and went out to the front room and found Max still asleep. After Richie used the bathroom, he fed Ray and went back to bed. He stretched out next to Eddie and grabbed his phone to text Bill.

_Richie 6:47 am: Hey, I know it’s early, and sorry if this wakes you up, but do you think we could do lunch?_  
_Richie 6:53 am: It’s ok if not, I just need to talk to someone about some things._  
_Bill 7:01 am: Hey, sorry, just opened the coffee shop. Absolutely we can do lunch! Are you and Eddie going to want to meet somewhere?_  
_Richie 7:03 am: No Eds. Just you and me._  
_Bill 7:04 am: Oh._  
_Bill 7:05 am: Of course. I’ll text you when I free up._  
_Richie 7:07 am: Thanks._

He locked his phone and Eddie sighed, snuggling close to him.

“Who were you texting?” Eddie asked.

“Bill,” Richie said. “We’re going to get some lunch. Just me and him.”

Eddie processed this for a moment. “Ok,” he whispered. “What time is it?”

“A little after 7, go back to sleep,” Richie said, kissing his hair. Eddie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“What if I get up and make you breakfast instead?” Eddie asked and Richie smiled a little.

“Max is still asleep,” he whispered, and Eddie shrugged a little.

“They have to wake up some time,” Eddie pointed out. He leaned up and kissed Richie chastely. They both laid there for a moment, and then Richie kissed him again, and again. Eddie’s arms came up around Richie’s shoulders as they started making out. Richie knew this couldn’t last, but there was no reason to not enjoy this moment, right? Eddie moaned and slid his hand up under Richie’s shirt. Richie broke the kiss, and shoved his forehead against Eddie’s, both of them breathing roughly.

_Jesus, I love you,_ Richie thought at Eddie for the millionth time.

_What does that even mean?_ Stan asked and Richie ignored him, sliding his hand down to cup Eddie’s ass under his pants. Eddie gasped a little, and pushed his hips forward. Richie started to move towards his dick.

_”You’ve had sex?!” Max yelled in his head._

Richie stopped and flinched. Eddie looked up at Richie, eyes glazed over a little.

“You ok?” Eddie asked. Richie shook his head, no.

“Sorry,” he whispered. He hated this. He wanted to not be like this.

“No, it’s ok,” Eddie said, gently pulling away. “Let’s get you some food.” He got up. Richie wanted to pull him back on the bed, but instead pulled the blanket up and over his head as Eddie went out to the front room. He could hear Eddie and Max talking softly, and Richie sighed, because _of course_ his insomniac assistant was awake even though they’d probably only gotten a few hours of sleep. Richie knew he should get up to help, to do something, but he just lay there, his limbs feeling too heavy to move. After a while, someone left, but Richie just kept laying there.

A bit later, Eddie came back in and sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing Richie’s back. Richie pretended to sleep until he heard Eddie sniffle a little. Without even thinking, Richie sat up and pulled Eddie close, cupping the back of his head, and running his fingers through Eddie’s hair, gently stroking the back of his neck. Eddie dug his fingers into Richie’s shirt and just clung tightly. Neither of them said anything, just sat there until they heard the front door unlock. Eddie pecked Richie on the cheek and rushed to the bathroom.

“Coffee is here!” Max called. Richie sighed and got up.

“Hey,” Richie said, coming out to the front room. Setting the coffees on the counter, Max took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Max said. “It was unfair.” Richie shook his head, no.

“It wasn’t,” he said as Eddie flushed the toilet. “Later.” Max nodded and took his coffee. Eddie came out a moment later, a fake smile plastered across his face.

“Who’s up for some eggs?” Eddie asked, clapping his hands together loudly.

After breakfast, Eddie said he had to go take care of some things at the library and left Max and Richie alone. Max was at the kitchen table putting stuff together for the funeral, so Richie climbed back into Eddie’s bed and watched Youtube until about 12 when he got up and took a shower. He got dressed slowly, and when he went out to the front room, Max was gone, but they’d left a note.

_Richie, Gone to the funeral parlor to meet your dad to go over some things. I’ll be back around 3. Let me know if you need anything. <3_

Richie sighed and pocketed the note.

“Please,” Richie whispered to the universe. “Please, don’t let this go as badly as I know it will go.” He sighed and brushed some hair out of his face and went back to the bedroom just as his phone went off again. It was Bill.

_Bill 12:47 pm: Hey, you ready?_  
_Richie 12:48 pm: Yup._  
_Bill 12:48 pm: Omw._

After Richie pulled on his shoes and jacket, he went outside just as Bill was pulling up.

“Hey,” Bill said as Richie got in.

“Hey,” Richie said.

“Where do you want to go for food?” Bill asked. Richie shrugged. “Want to just come back to my house? Audra’s at work and we have left over spaghetti.”

“Sure,” Richie said. He really didn’t give a shit about what they ate, wasn’t sure he even wanted to eat ever again. They were silent on the way to Bill’s house. When they got there, Richie went to the fridge and began poking around.

“You got anything to drink?” Richie said. He figured if he was going to get through this, it would be easier to be drunk.

“Yeah, there’s lots-”

“No, I mean- ah ha!” Richie yelled when he found a couple bottles of beer. He pulled one out, held it up against the edge of the counter, and slammed his other hand down on it, popping the cap off easily. He chugged it down, choking a little on the foam. When it was gone he grabbed the other, opened it and took several long drinks before Bill pulled his arm away.

“What the _fuck_ Richie?” Bill asked and threw the bottle in the sink. “I thought you wanted to eat, not get day drunk.”

Richie belched loudly. “Yeah, well, plans change.”

“That’s attractive,” Bill said. “Go sit down. Let me-” But Richie spotted Bill’s liquor cabinet and walked past him. Richie didn’t even really know what he was doing. He looked at the dozens of bottles, and wondered how he’d missed it that first night he’d come over. He picked up a bottle of Tanqueray and opened it. He could smell the alcohol as he brought it to his mouth, but Bill came over and grabbed his arm.

“What the fuck are you doing, Richie?” Bill asked. Richie pulled free, bottle still in hand.

“Just getting a drink,” Richie said and took a long swallow, choking a little. The gin was so intense, it took over all of his senses. It was like a whole Christmas tree got shoved through his mouth and sinuses in about 2 seconds. Bill’s hand closed around his as he brought the bottle down.

“Richie,” Bill said softly. “You don’t have to do this.” Richie’s eyes were full of tears but he wasn’t sure if it was the gin or feelings.

“Do what?” Richie asked, pulling free again, but this time he let Bill take the bottle. Richie grabbed for a bottle of rum but Bill slapped his hand. Richie glared at him.

“Talk to me,” Bill said. Richie pulled away and crossed his arms over his chest and just stood there for a moment, arms over his chest. He couldn’t help the anger that was rushing through his body even though he’d asked for this. Tears filled his eyes and he put his hand up trying to push the tears back in. Bill put the gin down. “Richie,” Bill murmured and started to pull him close but Richie pushed him away angrily.

“Fuck you,” Richie yelled.

“Hey, man, you were the one-” Bill started but stopped when Richie groaned loudly. He started pacing like a caged animal.

“Fucking just-” Richie started but Bill shook his head, no.

“Just talk to me, Richie,” Bill said. Richie whined a little.

“I don’t- I don’t want-” He started and stopped. He grabbed his hair in his fists, tugging hard. “Fuck!” Bill took a step closer.

“Richie,” Bill whispered, and Richie let Bill pull him close into a tight hug. “Hey, hey, I’ve got you,” Bill murmured into his hair. “I’ve got you.” Richie wrapped his arms around his friend and sobbed into him. “It’s ok, it’s ok, let it out,” Bill whispered. “I’ve got you. I’m here.” 

Richie wasn’t sure how long they stood there swaying a little in the kitchen. All he could think about was how much his chest hurt, how _absolutely crushed_ he felt, and how embarrassed. _What kind of a person does this?_ He thought to himself, but Bill just kept holding him, one hand on his back the other on the back of his neck, pulling him close and grounding him to the moment.

“I’m just so tired of feeling,” Richie whispered. “I’m just- I feel like I’m gonna fuck _everything_ up.”

“Is this about Eddie?” Bill asked. 

Richie snorted, which was a mistake considering the amount of snot oozing out of his nose, but Bill didn’t seem to care. He pulled away and went and got a box of tissues. After Richie blew his nose, Bill led him into the living room. 

“I’ll be right back.” Bill went back to the kitchen while Richie stood staring at the couch. He felt so empty. Bill came back with some water.

“Here, drink this.” 

Richie drank it quickly then handed the cup back to Bill who just set it on the coffee table. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. They sat down, Richie in the middle of the couch, Bill at the end, his back up against the arm of the couch. He pulled one knee up to his chest, and looked at Richie, waiting.

“So,” Richie said. “You know how when shit is bad some people like to make it worse?” Bill nodded. Richie stared at his hands.

“This _is_ about Eddie,” Bill said. 

Richie shoved his glasses up on top of his head and rubbed his face, sighing.

“What am I going to do?” Richie asked, looking up at Bill who was just a blur because his glasses were still on the top of his head. They sat in silence for a moment, and then Richie scooted closer to Bill, who moved his leg so Richie could lay on his chest. Bill’s arms came around him, holding him so, so gently. Richie relaxed into Bill’s chest, and took a deep breath as Bill squeezed him a little. This wasn’t the first time Richie had come to Bill with a problem and Bill had held him close. Growing up, the whole group was a little bit in love with Bill. They’d all cuddled him at some point or another, both individually and as a group.

“Tell me what happened.”

Richie told him everything that had happened that week, starting from when he got in the Uber to today while Bill rubbed his back.

“Max thinks I’m making a huge mistake, and I’m kind of scared I am, too,” Richie said. Bill took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Ok, here’s what I know,” Bill said. “You and Eddie have had a thing for each other since you were 13 years old. When you came into the coffee shop that day, and told me you were staying with Eddie, I knew it was only a matter of time before something happened.” 

Richie snorted again. Bill took another deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I just luh- I just care about him so much,” Richie said.

“I know,” Bill said.

“I wish I could stay, so we could take this slow, but I- I have to get back. My agent, Max, my life are all in LA,” Richie said and took another deep breath. “I don’t know what to do.” He paused. “I’m sorry about before, by the way.”

“It’s ok,” Bill said and took another deep breath, hand still moving slowly across Richie’s back. “You have to talk to Eddie.” 

Richie made a noise like a game show buzzer. “Try again,” Richie said.

“That is the _only_ fair thing to do,” Bill said. “Everything else just ends in ways you don’t want.”

“And what do I want?” Richie asked bitterly.

“If nothing else, you want to not put Eddie through any more pain than necessary.”

“I don’t want to hurt him at all,” Richie whispered.

“But you’re going home soon, right?”

Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I mean, I can’t stay here,” Richie said. “I don’t know how _anyone_ can breathe here.” He paused. “I don’t know how _you_ can stand it here.”

“Because of Georgie?” Bill asked. Richie nodded. “It’s hard, I won’t lie. But it is the best place for me to write, the best place for Audra to work. We won’t stay forever, but for right now, for this moment, we’re happy. We’re where we need to be.”

“But you have every opportunity to get out. You and Audra could work anywhere.”

“When I get more established, we probably will move, but it makes sense to stay here, for now. We can afford it, and our friends are here.”

“But you got out. What made you come back?”

“I brought Audra home to meet my parents during the holidays and she fell in love,” Bill said. “I would do just about anything to make her happy.” 

Richie cleared his throat. “I- I can’t come back,” he said. “Not for an extended amount of time.” Bill rubbed his back.

“You’re also gay,” Bill pointed out. “This town is haunted for you in ways I can’t even begin to imagine.” 

Richie sighed and closed his eyes. He could hear them, Bowers and his friends calling him a _fucking fag_ , beating the shit out of him. He flinched a little at the thought.

“I don’t understand why any queer person would stay in a shitty little town like this,” Richie whispered thinking about Mike, Nathan, and Eddie.

“Everyone has their reasons for being here,” Bill said. “My parents still live in my childhood home. I think it makes them feel closer to Georgie. A lot of people don’t understand, but they don’t have to. The only people who need to understand why my parents are where they are _are_ my parents.”

“But Eds-” Richie started.

“He told you how he got here, right?” Bill interrupted. 

Richie nodded. “But that doesn’t explain why he stayed.”

“Stan made sense at the time,” Bill said.

“Stan made sense at the time?” Richie repeated, and then his stomach flopped. “Wait,” he said, pushing himself up. “ _Stan and Eddie were together?_ ” Bill looked up at him a little sadly but said nothing. “ _Jesus fucking Christ, I am such a fucking asshole._ ” He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. “Oh, fuck, this is so fucked,” he said standing up, his mind racing through everything Eddie had told him. “Shit.”

“It’s not your fault,” Bill said.

Richie’s phone went off. It was Eddie.

_Eddie 2:13 pm: Hey, done at the library. You still out and about? Want me to come pick you up?_

“Fuck, it’s him,” Richie said. His hands were shaking. “What the _fuck_ do I say?” 

Bill held his hand out for the phone. After taking it, he began typing.

_Richie 2:17pm: Hey, Bill and I are still hanging out. I’ll text you when I’m on my way home._

Bill handed the phone back and Richie nodded as he hit send.

_Eddie 2:18 pm: Ok. I’ll see you when you get back then._  
_Richie 2:19 pm: See you soon._

Richie put his phone down, and sat back on the couch. Bill sat up and put his arm around Richie’s shoulder, squeezing him gently. Richie put his head on Bill’s shoulder and Bill rested his head on Richie’s.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” Richie asked.

“Talk to him,” Bill said.

“You say that like it should be so easy to do,” Richie complained.

“If you need anything, just let me know,” Bill said. “I’m here for you.” 

Richie nodded and took another deep breath as Bill put his head on Richie’s shoulder. They sat there for a long time, neither of them saying anything. Richie’s phone went off again. This time it was Max.

_Max 2:47 pm: On my way back to the apartment._  
_Max 2:48 pm: Your dad..._  
_Max 2:48 pm: You weren’t kidding about how shitty he is._  
_Richie 2:50 pm: I’m still out with Bill, but Eddie should be home._  
_Richie 2:51 pm: I’m sorry about my dad._

Richie got up and stretched.

“I have to pee,” he said.

“You know where the bathroom is,” Bill said and also stretched. 

Richie went and used the toilet. When he came back out, Bill was in the kitchen making them lunch. 

“After this, I really need to get back to work.”

“Ok,” Richie said. 

They ate in silence. Richie wasn’t hungry, but he was too tired to argue so he just ate. When he was done, Bill put the dishes in the sink and they left. Bill drove him back to Eddie’s and Richie hesitated before he got out.

“Thank you,” he said eventually. “For everything.” 

Bill took his hand and squeezed tightly. “Anytime,” Bill said. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Bill,” Richie said and got out. He walked up to the apartment and let himself in. Max was sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by paperwork and laughed at something Eddie was doing in the kitchen.

“Hey stranger,” Max said. Richie smiled at them.

“What are you losers up to?” Richie asked heading into the kitchen. He pulled Eddie close for a hug, kissing him.

“How was lunch?” Eddie asked and Richie hesitated, remembering Max was behind him.

“It was good,” Richie said. He let go and went to sit at the kitchen table with Max. “So what did my dear old dad do?”

“What _didn’t_ he do?” Max asked, laughing. “He was just a fucking asshole, but we got a lot done.” They paused. “He is letting me figure out the catering by myself.”

“Good luck with that,” Richie said, laughing.

“You should call Charlie at the diner,” Eddie said. “She’ll be happy to do it, and she’ll give you a fair price.”

“Thanks,” Max said. They picked up their phone and began looking stuff up.

“Have any idea what you want for dinner tonight?” Eddie asked. 

Richie shrugged. “I’m not really hungry. We ate late because we were talking.”

“Alright, just let me know.” Eddie sat down next to Richie and leaned into him, taking his hand and squeezing. Richie smiled at him. They all talked about the funeral for a bit, but then somehow got way off topic and started talking about Youtube and TV.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: homophobic family, homophobic slurs, religious homophobia

When Richie’s phone went off a little after 6, he was feeling lighter than he had in days, and then he saw it was his dad.

_Dad 6:07 pm: What is the point of you being in town if you aren’t going to see your family?_

Richie sighed and Eddie leaned closer to read the message.

“I don’t know why he wants me there,” Richie said. “It’s not like he even likes me.”

“Family is weird like that,” Max said.

“I don’t want to go.” Richie stared at his phone, but he knew he was going. Neither Eddie or Max said anything. Richie picked up his phone and began typing.

_Richie 6:15 pm: Hey, what time is dinner? I’ll swing by with Eddie._   
_Dad 6:16 pm: 7_   
_Richie 6:16 pm: We’ll be there in a bit._

He set his phone down and looked over at Eddie who just nodded. Eddie looked over at Max.

“You going to be ok on your own?” Eddie asked Max.

“Yeah,” they said. “I have a few things I still want to get done tonight.”

“Max, do you know you’re the best?” Richie asked. Max looked up and smiled.

“Thanks, boo,” Max said. 

Richie and Eddie procrastinated for a few minutes before getting up and getting their coats. It began to snow lightly as they got in the car. They drove in silence, and when they got there, a lot of the kids were running around and playing in the snow with no adults in sight. Instead of going inside, Richie wandered around back so he could watch them. Eddie followed without comment. They stood in silence for a while, and then Eddie nudged Richie.

“What?” Richie asked.

“Isn’t that your cousin Mason?” Eddie asked, pointing to a child curled up at the base of a tree, crying.

“I’ll be right back,” Richie said and went to the child. Mason looked up when a twig snapped under Richie’s foot, and the look of fear absolutely broke Richie’s heart. The look passed quickly when Mason realized it was Richie. Kneeling, Richie scooted closer to his cousin so he was well under the tree as well.

“Hey, Mace,” Richie whispered. Mason waved. “Whatcha doing over here on your own?” Mason shrugged. “Did something happen?” Richie watched emotions flit across Mason’s face, and then he took a deep breath.

“I don’t want you to go to Hell,” Mason said in a very small voice.

“What?” Richie asked, his brain skidding as he sat down heavily.

“At school, during chapel, Uncle Elliot talked about how gay people go to Hell,” Mason said. 

Richie sighed. He’d tried to tell Grace years before that letting her kids go to Catholic school would eventually come to this, but she didn’t really listen. They didn’t have much option, the public schools were terrible. Richie could barely believe he and his friends had become so successful after Derry Public Schools.

“Oh, Mason,” Richie whispered. “I’m not going to Hell for that.” Mason looked down. “There’s actually a lot of…” And then the words clicked. “Uncle Elliot? What was he doing there?” Richie asked, anger flooding his body.

“He’s a deacon and comes and gives the homily sometimes,” Mason said.

“Oh,” Richie said in a hollow voice. He fell silent as he tried to concentrate on his breathing.

“Richie?” Mason whispered.

“Yeah?”

“How do you know if you’re gay?” Mason asked. Richie blinked at his cousin and took a deep breath trying to figure out what to say.

“Everyone figures it out in their own ways,” Richie said slowly. “Growing up, I knew I was different. I never had crushes on girls, and I _always_ had crushes on boys and men. I didn’t have a word for it- a good word for it- until I was much older.” He paused. “Do you like boys?” Richie asked, guessing where the conversation was going to go. Mason scrunched up his face in concentration.

“I don’t know,” Mason said eventually. “How do you know if you like someone?” Richie smiled a little.

“You know you like someone when you always want to be with that person, when you can’t think about anything but that person. You know you like them because you would do just about anything to make them happy,” Richie said. Mason nodded solemnly.

“Is there a thing where you don’t feel any of those things?” Mason asked looking up at Richie who nodded.

“It gets really complicated though,” Richie said. “I don’t know about you, but my ass is frozen. Why don’t we go talk about this in the den?” Mason’s face fell.

“No thank you,” Mason said in a small voice. Richie studied him for a moment.

“What else happened?” Richie asked. Mason stared at the dirt. “Mason, what else happened?” Mason cleared his throat and started crying.

“Uncle Elliot told me that all gay people have AIDs and are going to die and go to hell, and that if I keep talking to gay people I’ll be gay, and I don’t want to die,” Mason said. He wiped his face. “I don’t want to die, and I don’t want you to die. It’s not fair.” 

Richie’s whole body shook with anger.

“Hey, it’s ok,” Richie whispered. He wished he had the words to calm down Mason, but he was too angry so he just sat with his cousin until he eventually cried himself out. He sat up and looked up at Richie. “Feel better?” Richie asked. Mason nodded. “Come on, let’s go find your mom.” Mason stiffened.

“I don’t want her to know,” Mason said quickly. “I don’t want her to know I was crying. I need to be strong for her because Auntie Maggie died.” Richie nodded.

“Let’s go find your dad then,” Richie said. Mason looked up at him and sighed.

“Ok,” Mason said in a small voice. They got up and Mason took Richie’s hand as they walked up to the house. The yard was quiet, the others had gone in already. Adam opened the back door to come out and find them as Richie started up the steps.

As soon as Mason saw his dad, he burst into fresh tears.

“Mason, honey,” Adam said, taking the stairs two at a time. He picked up his son, holding him close as he looked at Richie. Richie told him what happened and Adam furrowed his brows, his jaw clenched tightly. “That asshole,” Adam whispered. “Can you go get Grace and tell her to get the other kids? We’re leaving.”

Richie nodded, not trusting his voice as he walked up to the house. He found Grace and just told her to take Bryant and Rachel to the car, they were leaving. He walked away before she could respond. Eddie looked up from where he was sitting and jumped up when he saw Richie’s face.

“Whoa, Richie,” Eddie said, putting his hand on Richie’s chest in an effort to stop him, but Richie just pushed past him. He went into the front room where most of his family was sitting around the TV and eating. Elliot was sitting on a recliner near the door.

Richie took off his glasses, thrust them into Eddie’s chest, and went to his cousin. Pulling him up by his collar, Richie punched him in the face as hard as he could. Pain exploded through his hand and up his arm. People around them yelled in surprise. Ignoring the pain, Richie punched him again and again.

“You want to fucking go off on me, do it to my fucking face,” Richie screamed. Richie’s dad got up and grabbed Richie, but Richie shook him off. Taking advantage of the distraction, Elliot slammed his fist into Richie’s face. Eddie pushed past the family and grabbed Richie's shoulder, tugging him back.

“What is your problem?” Elliot asked.

“You are such a fucking asshole,” Richie yelled.

“Better an asshole than a fag!” Elliot yelled. Richie pulled free and jumped on Elliot. They fell into the recliner and rolled off, knocking over a lamp. Their bodies were tangled, Elliot was kicking and trying to punch his sides, but Richie just pulled back his fist.

“Fuck you!” Richie yelled as he punched his cousin a few more times. There was so much yelling, but Richie couldn’t stop. Elliot grabbed Richie’s hands as he rolled them over. He managed to get a few punches in before someone pulled him off Richie. Eddie came over to Richie, who was trying to get up. His cheek was cut, blood trickled down his chin from where he’d busted his lip open.

“It’s one thing for you to spew your hate at me, at adults, it’s another to do it to children!” Richie yelled.

“What in the _world_ are you talking about?” Elliot asked.

“Your fucking homily,” Richie said. “Who knows what damage you’ve-”

“Read your fucking Bible, Richie! I’m preaching the Truth!” Elliot shouted.

“Come on, Richie,” Eddie whispered, pulling him up. “Let’s go. He’s not worth it.” He handed Richie his glasses which he put on. Richie looked around at his family who all sat there glaring at him, like he was the one who was out of line, like he was the one who fucked up. Richie let Eddie pull him to his feet. He walked over to his dad.

“I hope you’re fucking happy,” Richie said in a low voice. “Don’t worry, I’ll still pay for the funeral, but leave me the fuck alone until then.” He turned and went out the front door, Eddie rushing behind him.

They left without a word. Eddie drove them to the pharmacy and Richie looked over at him.

“I’m going to get some stuff,” Eddie said. “Your face-” He paused.

“Just hurry,” Richie said through gritted teeth. He was really beginning to feel the pain in his face and his hands felt like they might be broken. Eddie got out and rushed in. While he was gone, Grace texted Richie. Richie’s hands shook as he pulled out his phone.

_Grace 7:12 pm: Mason told us what happened. I am so sorry._   
_Richie 7:13 pm: You shouldn’t say sorry to me, you should say it to Mason._   
_Grace 7:15 pm: We did. We’re pulling the kids out on Monday. There’s a charter school 30 miles away. We’ve been talking about sending the kids there for a while, but they didn’t want to leave their friends._   
_Richie 7:16 pm: What were they even doing at school today?_   
_Grace 7:17 pm: Mason wanted to go. I think he wanted some sort of sense of normalcy._   
_Richie: 7:19 pm: Oh._   
_Grace 7:21 pm: If there’s anything I can do, let me know. I love you._   
_Richie 7:22 pm: Love you, too._

Richie closed his phone as Eddie got back in. He drove them back in silence. Max was curled up on the couch watching something on their phone when they came in.

“What in the fuck?” Max asked when they saw Richie’s face.

“I punched him,” Richie said.

“Sit down,” Eddie told Richie as he pulled out a chair. Richie sat and Eddie went to the kitchen to get some stuff.

“Who? Your dad?” Max asked as Richie looked down at his hands.

“No,” Richie said. “My fucking homophobic cousin, Elliot.”

“Why?” Max asked as Eddie came back in with a water bottle, some damp paper towels, and a bottle of Tylenol. Eddie set the stuff down and began organizing it all.

“Because he’s an asshole,” Richie said.

“Take this,” Eddie said handing Richie two Tylenol and an open bottle of water. 

Richie tossed the pills in his mouth and drank noisily from the bottle. Gently, Eddie took off his glasses and started cleaning his face.

“What happened?” Max asked again. Richie told them. “What a fucking douche!” Max growled when he finished. 

Richie held up one of those instant ice packs to his cheek while Eddie cleaned up one of his hands. Eddie hadn’t said anything while he worked. 

“I mean, I knew a lot of your family was homophobic, but what the actual fuck?”

“I really shouldn’t have done that,” Richie said, staring at his hand.

“He fucking deserved it,” Eddie said as he indicated for Richie to switch hands so he could look at the other one. Richie smiled a little at his friend’s blurry shape.

“Are you hungry?” Max asked. “Since you clearly didn’t get food.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “Mind going down to the diner and getting us some cheeseburgers and pie? I need to talk to Richie about something.” He pulled out his wallet and handed over his credit card.

“Sure,” Max said, taking the card and heading to the door to pull his coat on. “Be back in a bit.” 

He left and Eddie cleaned up the table. Richie waited for Eddie to start yelling at him, but when he was done cleaning up, Eddie just sat down on the chair next to him.

“Do you want to get out of town until the funeral?” Eddie asked. “Not that I didn’t find it _incredibly sexy_ to see you punch that homophobic asswipe, but that could have ended so badly.”

“Go where? The funeral-” Richie started.

“Mike has a cabin in the woods that he agreed to let us use,” Eddie said and Richie balked. “Not like that, you idiot,” he laughed. “It’s really more of a summer cabin, but we can buy wood and I’m sure I can figure out how to turn the water heater on.” Richie cleared his throat.

“I- I can’t just-” Richie tried. “The funeral… And Ray?”

“Max has the funeral stuff all under control, and if they stay here, they can take care of Ray,” Eddie said.

“Work?”

“Mike’s got it covered. I am taking some bereavement time,” he said. “It’ll be ok.”

“Is that what you were taking care of this morning?” Richie asked, and Eddie nodded. Richie leaned forward and kissed Eddie gently. He couldn’t believe how much Eddie had done for him, was offering to do for him.

And Richie was just going to leave.

Again.

But then Eddie leaned forward and kissed him, and Richie knew Eddie knew how fucked everything was, and was still offering a brief respite from reality.

“Ok,” Richie whispered when they pulled apart. Eddie smiled and stroked his cheek gently. “Was it really sexy when I punched Elliot?” They both giggled.

“Very. I’ve wanted to punch him like that since I got back into town. Even Stan-” Eddie stopped and took a breath. “Even Stan wanted to punch him.” Richie smiled a little sadly.

“So what you’re telling me is I worried about the wrong homophobic asshole?” Richie laughed and Eddie smiled.

“Yeah,” Eddie said and kissed Richie’s forehead. “I’m going to get our laundry all sorted.”

“Ok,” Richie said. He sat there with his ice pack and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He picked up his phone and shook his head. He put it back on the table as Max came back in.

“Food’s here,” Max called. They set the bags down and took off their jacket. “Fuck it is cold out there tonight.” 

Richie put the ice pack down and picked up a bag. 

“Wow, your face is fucked,” Max said as Richie shoved some fries in his mouth. 

Richie flipped them off as Eddie came back over.

“Finally,” Eddie said, pulling out a burger as he sat down. 

Richie went to put his glasses back on his face and hissed a little. He was pretty sure his nose was broken. They ate quietly while messing around on their phones. When they were done, Eddie told Max about the cabin. 

“You’ve got the funeral all taken care of, right?” 

Max looked at Richie who was staring down at the table.

“Uh, yeah,” Max said. “If I need anything, I can just call.”

“If this is too much, you can just say no,” Richie said. Max looked at Eddie.

“You’re paying over time, right?” Max asked Richie, who smirked.

“I thought that was a given when you decided to come help with the funeral,” Richie said. “You know I’m good for it.”

“Alright, you got it, boss,” Max said. “Am I staying here, or do I need to get a hotel somewhere?”

“Stay here, duh,” Richie said. “You think I’m made of money?” They all laughed. “Can I ask you one more favor?”

“Sure,” Max said.

“Can I leave my phone? I don’t want my family to be able to easily get a hold of me before the funeral,” Richie said.

“Of course,” Max said. Richie took a deep breath.

“Is it ok if I give your number to my cousin, Grace, and my friend, Bill?” Richie asked. “They’re really the only ones I want to be able to get a hold of me.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Max said.

“Thanks, Max,” Richie said. 

Eddie cleaned up the trash and fed the cat. Yawning, Richie went to change into his pajamas, and Eddie came in just as he was tugging on some sleep pants.

“Tired already?” Eddie asked, leaning in. Richie smiled over at him as Richie went over to the bed and sat down.

“Being a badass is exhausting,” Richie joked, and Eddie smiled. “Today sucked. Royally. And I slept like shit last night.”

“Want me to make you some tea? Help you sleep?” Eddie asked.

“Sure, that would be nice,” Richie said, pulling out his phone. Eddie kissed Richie’s forehead and went back to the kitchen. He opened his text messages and sent one to Grace.

_Richie 9:27 pm: Hey, I’m gonna leave town for the next few days, but I’ll be back for the funeral. I’m not going to have my phone with me, but if you need to get in touch, you can message Max._

He opened his messages with Bill.

_Richie 9:32 pm: Hey, I may have done something incredibly stupid._   
_Bill 9:34 pm: What, like punch your asshat of a cousin at dinner tonight?_   
_Richie 9:35 pm: How the fuck did you know that?_   
_Bill 9:36 pm: Small town._   
_Richie 9:37 pm: Yeah, well he deserved it._   
_Bill 9:38 pm: Oh I know he did. I don’t even need to know the details, but I’m sure it was well deserved._

Grace texted him so he switched conversations.

_Grace 9:38 pm: Ok. I’m sorry again._   
_Richie 9:39 pm: Mason ok?_   
_Grace 9:40 pm: Yeah, he’s sleeping._   
_Grace 9:41 pm: I’ll see you in a few days._   
_Richie 9:42 pm: See you in a few days._

Richie switched back to Bill. Eddie came in and handed Richie his tea. Richie whispered, ‘thanks,’ and kept looking at his phone. Eddie laid down and put on Youtube.

_Richie 9:47 pm: I’m heading out of town for the next few days. We’ll be back for the funeral._   
_Richie 9:48 pm: Me and Eds are headed up to Mike’s cabin in the woods._   
_Bill 9:50 pm: Kinky. Lol_   
_Richie 9:51 pm: Omg lol_   
_Richie 9:52 pm: I’m just letting you know because I’m not taking my phone, and I know you have Eds’s number, but I wanted you to have my assistant, Max’s number. I’ll make a group chat._   
_Bill 9:54 pm: Did you talk to Eddie yet?_   
_Richie 9:57 pm: Not yet. Too busy kicking ass._   
_Bill 9:59 pm: Lol. Well, have a good night. I’ll talk to you in a few days._   
_Richie 10:01 pm: Talk to you in a few days._

Richie set up the group chats and took a deep breath. He was so fucking tired.

After taking off his glasses and setting them aside, Richie turned off his phone and put it on the bedside table. Richie stretched out on his back, and Eddie curled up on his chest. Richie kissed Eddie’s hair.

“Eddie?” Richie whispered.

“Hmm?”

“Thank you,” Richie said. “I honestly have _no idea_ how I would have gotten through this week without you.”

“Any time, Richie,” Eddie said. “I- you’re one of my best friends.” He pressed a firm kiss into Richie’s lips. “I would do just about anything for you.” 

Richie gulped. Instead of thinking about what Eddie was _really_ saying, he pulled Eddie up closer, and just held him. They lay like that for a long time.

_I wish tonight would never end,_ Richie thought to himself. Eventually, Eddie pulled back and kissed his bandaged cheek.

“We should sleep,” Eddie said. “I want to leave early, get out of here as soon as possible.”

“Ok,” Richie whispered as Eddie twisted around. Richie pulled him close and closed his eyes, but never quite felt like he’d made it to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: none

Eddie got up early the next morning and packed for them while Richie tried to sleep. When he was done, Eddie sat next to him on the bed and rubbed his back.

“Richie?” Eddie whispered.

“Hmm?” Richie grunted.

“Do you want to get up and take your last _guaranteed_ hot shower for the next couple of days?” Eddie asked. Richie stretched, groaning in response.

“Sure, I guess,” Richie said, putting his glasses on. Eddie was already showered and dressed in a thick sweater and jeans. “Coffee?”

“Max just left to get some,” Eddie said. Richie nodded and got up. He showered quickly and got dressed. When he came out, Max was standing in the kitchen talking to Eddie while holding a tray of coffees and a bag of pastries.

“It was so satisfying watching Elliot’s head snap back,” Eddie said and Max laughed. They looked up when they saw Richie lean against the door frame, arms up over his head, smiling.

“I saw your cousin this morning,” Max said.

“Yeah? Who looks worse?” Richie asked.

“Hard to say, you always look like trash,” Max said laughing. “This might actually be an improvement.” 

Richie flipped them off, laughing. “Prick!” Richie said, taking his coffee.”Where did you see him?”

“He and your dad were going into the diner when I was leaving the coffee shop,” Max said.

“Who looked worse? Him or me?” Richie repeated.

“Him, definitely him,” Max said.

“Wait, really?” Richie asked.

“You fucked him up,” Eddie said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that angry.” Richie touched his sore cheek and smiled a little.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been that mad,” He said and paused. “I hope Mason is ok.”

“You said his mom is taking him out of the school, right?” Max asked.

“Yeah, but he’s still going to have to see Elliot,” Richie said. “They are still probably going to go to that same church. And besides, that’s his uncle.”

“Is that the only Catholic church nearby? Maybe there is a better one,” Max suggested and grabbed his phone presumably to check.

“I think a major part of Grace’s going to church is family time,” Richie said. “I don’t see her actively looking for another church.” Richie sighed. “Maybe this will get them thinking though. Grace is my favorite cousin for a reason.”

They split up the coffees and each grabbed a pastry. Richie sat on the counter while he ate and Eddie leaned into his side. When they were done, Eddie and Richie loaded up their bags. Richie hugged Max tightly as they stood by the front door.

Max hesitated before letting him go. “I know there isn’t _really_ anything I can say to change your mind, but at least you could be doing something worse,” Max said looking over at Eddie. 

Richie laughed mirthlessly. “No, no I _really_ could not be,” Richie said. Max raised an eyebrow but Richie was already walking away. “See you in a few days, Max.”

“Try not to beat up any more homophobes,” Max called and closed the door behind them. 

Richie and Eddie got in the car and Eddie looked at Richie.

“You sure about this? Leaving your phone and everything?” Eddie asked. “What if we get in a fight?”

“If we get in a fight, I’ll just sit in the backseat and ignore you,” Richie said, laughing. He leaned over and kissed Eddie. “I trust you not to leave me stranded, but if nothing else, Bill will come for me.” Eddie laughed.

“Ok, then let’s do this. I figure we can stop for groceries and get some wood when we’re up there,” Eddie said. Richie nodded.

“Sounds good to me,” Richie said. “How far away?”

“About an hour and a half? Maybe two, depending on traffic,” Eddie said.

“Oh, short trip,” Richie said. Still tired, he leaned against the window.

“You can sleep if you want,” Eddie offered. Richie sighed and looked over at his friend.

“I’ll be ok,” Richie said.

“Well, if you do fall asleep, don’t feel bad,” Eddie said. “It’s been a long week.” Richie nodded, crossed his arms over his chest, and closed his eyes.

They drove in silence for the most part, listening to a playlist Eddie had put together on Spotify. It was mostly chill with some showtunes, which wasn’t super Richie’s favorite, but he didn’t really care. Eddie sang along to most of it under his breath while Richie stared out the window.

Richie was almost asleep when he heard _the song._ It started like a love ballad, but a _really_ weird one.

“Unfortunately, I want to have sex with you/ I don’t know what happened/ Maybe you lost some weight,” a man on the radio sang. Richie sat up and looked over at Eddie who just smirked.

“What?” Richie asked.

“Let’s have intercourse/ Just pretend I’m seducing you/ Come on let’s quickly have intercourse/ So I can move on with my life/ My busy life,” Eddie sang along with the radio.

“What the fuck?” Richie asked. He sat there listening while Eddie just sat there laughing his ass off.

“Sometimes my body wants things that my mind does not/ My body wants things that make my mind go/ ‘Uh, body, what?’/ We’re animals, it’s unfortunate/ So come on let’s contortion it…”

When the song was over Richie laughed and gestured vaguely, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

“ _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,_ ” Eddie said as if that explained everything. Richie shrugged.

“I don’t like musicals,” Richie said and Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Oh, you’re one of _those_ gays,” Eddie teased and Richie blinked. “One of those gays that doesn’t like musicals.” Richie made a face and shrugged a little.

“And?”

“ _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend_ is a great show about a woman who was working hard in a New York job, making dough but it made her blue. One day she was crying a lot, and so she decided to move to West Covina, California, brand new pals and new career. It happens to be where Josh lives, but that’s not why she’s there,” Eddie said.

“What?!” Richie asked, and Eddie sighed and rolled his eyes.

“It’s about a woman who is depressed and follows her high school summer camp sweetheart to California from New York and just deals with her mental health. It’s a musical show, super funny, super gay,” Eddie said.

“Sounds… cool…” Richie said and Eddie shrugged.

“It’s not for everyone, but I like it,” Eddie said and Richie sighed a little. He settled back against the window now that the song was over. It began snowing when they pulled into town.

“Do you think we’ll get stuck up here?” Richie asked and Eddie shook his head, no.

“Probably no such luck,” Eddie said and Richie smirked. Eddie drove them to a grocery store and they got out, stretching.

“What kind of food are we getting?” Richie asked.

“Soup, stuff for sandwiches, snacks. I brought tea and some coffee. Maybe we could get some marshmallows and roast them.”

“Yeah?” Richie asked and smiled at Eddie. “Make some s’mores?”

“Ok, definitely some marshmallows,” Eddie said, taking Richie’s hand and pulling him close for a brief kiss on the cheek.

_Fuck am I going to miss you,_ Richie thought for the thousandth time, and Eddie just squeezed his hand before letting go to get the cart. They walked around grabbing food and drinks, talking quietly as they shopped.

When they were done, they stopped at a gas station and bought a couple bundles of wood. The drive up to the cabin was beautiful even to Richie who _hated_ being outside. The cabin itself was small, but the patio was beautiful and would have a great view in the summer. The cabin was one simple, big open room with a huge bed covered in soft pillows and blankets pushed up in a corner near the fireplace, a couple of pull outs nearby. There was a small kitchen table near the even smaller kitchenette that seemed to be fully stocked with pots and pans and cooking utensils.

The bathroom was gorgeous though. The whole room was made of windows, and there was a huge skylight above a huge bathtub. Richie was sure it could easily fit four adults with space, more if people sat close together.

“Want to take a bath later?” Eddie asked.

“If you can figure out how to work the water heater, absolutely,” Richie said. He’d never really been one for baths, but he was sure it wouldn’t be hard to convince Eddie to join him. Eddie pulled out a portable speaker and put some music on while they unpacked the car. Everything was so nice, Richie could hardly believe they were there.

After they were unpacked, Richie stretched out on the couch and dozed while Eddie made them lunch and started a fire. When lunch was ready, Richie got up and sat down at the kitchen table and looked over at Eddie.

“Do you think we could watch that weird intercourse musical?” Richie asked, and Eddie snorted.

“You mean _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend_?” Eddie asked.

“If that’s where that song came from, yes,” Richie said.

“You don’t like musicals.”

“I don’t,” Richie said. “But I can’t get that song out of my head. I need to see what kind of a guy sings that to a woman.”

“Are you sure you want to watch it, and you don’t want to just fool around?” Eddie asked.

“Why can’t we do both?” Richie asked and Eddie laughed. When they were done eating, they curled up on the couch under a blanket, and Eddie pulled up _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend_ on his phone. They got through a couple episodes before they both fell asleep.

Richie dreamt about Stan again. This time they were in Derry Public Library sitting at a table and working on some homework, but Richie’s seemed to be in weird alien hieroglyphics. Richie looked over at Stan.

“Psst, Stan,” Richie whispered. Stan looked up.

“What Richie?” Stan asked.

“What are we doing here?” Richie asked. Stan shrugged.

“It’s your dream,” Stan said and Richie sighed.

“If I had any control over my dreams, I wouldn’t be here doing homework,” Richie whispered and Stan shrugged. “Why didn’t you tell me about you and Eddie?”

“Still your dream,” Stan repeated. “I only know what you know.”

“If you’re not here to help guide me through this shitty mess, then what’s the point of continually dreaming about you?” Richie asked.

“Ouch, Richie. I may be a memory, but I still have feelings.” Richie made a face at him.

“I hate this,” Richie said a moment later.

“I know, but it’s going to be ok.”

“How do you know? You’re just a memory. You only know what I know.” 

Stan shrugged.“I just do.” 

Sighing, Richie got up and left.

Richie woke up to Eddie trying to pull himself free without waking Richie up.

“Where-” Richie mumbled, but Eddie just kissed his cheek.

“Go back to sleep,” Eddie whispered. “I’ll be right back.” Richie pulled the blanket closer and listened as Eddie added another log to the fire and headed to the bathroom. When Eddie came back, he stretched out in front of Richie and slid his _freezing cold_ hands around Richie’s sides. Richie flinched.

“Jesus fuck, your hands are cold,” Richie said pulling Eddie’s hands away. Eddie smirked. “You’re such a little shit,” Richie whispered and kissed Eddie’s cheek. He held Eddie’s hands between his to help warm them up. Eddie leaned forward and kissed Richie on the lips, lingering in Richie’s space. Richie shivered and slid a hand up and cupped Eddie’s cheek.

Kissing Eddie was always so surreal, but it was even harder to believe this was real now, the two of them curled up on a couch in a cabin in the woods, fire crackling, snow falling softly. It was like a God damned fairy tale.

A fairy tale he knew he would have to wake up from, but right now all that mattered was touching Eddie, and Eddie touching him.

***

The next morning, Richie woke up in the bed with Eddie curled up around his back, naked and snoring softly. Richie kissed Eddie’s arm and got out of bed. He’d left his glasses on the coffee table, so he just stumbled into the bathroom, banging into all the furniture in between. When he came back, Eddie was muttering in his sleep. Richie sat on the edge of the bed and watched his blurry shape for a moment.

“No, Stan, it’s not- he’s not-” Eddie muttered. He twisted around. “No, please, Stan. Don’t do- I didn’t mean-” Eddie gasped and woke up just as Richie was about to wake him up. He saw Richie and sat up, pulling him close, his fingers digging into Richie’s shoulders.

Richie sighed, holding him just as tight. They were so fucked. He _almost_ wished he’d never called the Uber, wished Eddie hadn’t offered him a place to stay, wished he’d actually stayed with his family or at the hotel. He took a shaky breath and let it out.

Eventually Eddie pulled back and wiped his face in his hands.

“I would offer to get you a tissue, but I can’t see and I’ve already bruised my shin trying to find the bathroom,” Richie said. Eddie laughed a little.

“I’ll be right back,” Eddie said, getting up. He went to the bathroom and on his way back, he grabbed Richie’s glasses.

“Thanks,” Richie said, taking them. He looked over at Eddie who was pulling the blanket back up. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” Eddie asked as Richie stretched out next to him.

“About your dream,” Richie said and decided there was no reason to beat around the bush. “You were dreaming about Stan.” Eddie opened his mouth and closed it, sighing. “Bill told me that you were together.” Eddie took a deep breath.

“When? How long-” Eddie asked.

“On Friday, when we had lunch,” Richie said. Eddie studied him for a moment.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Eddie managed, voice thick.

“It’s ok,” Richie said. He looked at Eddie and watched relief flood his face and Richie pushed his forehead into Eddie’s. “This is all so complicated.” Eddie nodded.

“I wish this could have been simple,” Eddie said. “I- I’ve been waiting for this for so long, but-” Richie put his hand up to Eddie’s lips and looked at the other man in the eyes.

“Let’s talk when we get back to Derry, after the funeral,” Richie whispered. “Let’s just lay here and pretend like nothing else matters for the next couple of days.” Richie closed his eyes slowly, his heart beating wildly in his chest. “Please.” Eddie pulled Richie close, kissing him gently at first, but then his kisses became more demanding. He drug his nails down Richie’s back, and Richie stiffened. “Fuck,” he gasped.

“Is this ok?” Eddie asked and Richie smiled down at him.

“Yes,” Richie whispered. “Do it again.” Eddie laughed and took off Richie’s glasses before pushing him backwards and leaning in for more kisses.

A few hours later, Richie got up and added another log to the fire before pulling on some sweats. He went to the kitchen to figure out the coffee situation. Eddie was asleep again, and Richie hoped he was having good dreams this time. He found the coffee quickly and set to work making coffee with the regular pot on the counter. He was cracking some eggs into a pan when Eddie came over wearing just a hoodie and Richie’s boxers.

“Are you cooking?” Eddie asked, sliding up behind Richie and kissing Richie’s naked shoulder. “Wow, someone did a number on your back,” Eddie said, ghosting his fingers across Richie’s shoulder blades. Richie shivered and hissed in pain.

“You’re evil,” Richie said and Eddie smirked a little. “Coffee is ready.” Eddie went and poured them both some coffee. When the food was done, they went back to bed and curled up to watch more _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend._


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: homophobic slur

They spent most of the day in bed, getting up only for food, to use the bathroom, and add wood to the fire. Richie slept on and off, just relaxing into Eddie. That night they made tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. When they were done, they went to the bathroom to take a bath. Richie called Mike and he walked them through turning the water heater on. It turned out to be really simple, all it took was finding the right button.

Richie turned on the water and added some bubble bath while Eddie stripped naked and set up the portable speaker. When the tub was half full, they slid in side by side, the warm water splashing up over them. Richie sighed. The water was so hot and so nice, but it was steaming up his glasses. When Eddie looked over at him, he started giggling.

“You’re such a jerk,” Richie complained and Eddie leaned over and kissed Richie’s cheek.

“Is the water too hot?” Eddie asked laughing. He started to twist to adjust the water temperature, but Richie grabbed his arm.

“Don’t you even dare, you little fucking shit,” Richie said pulling Eddie into his arms. “You’re just going to turn the water on cold or some shit.” Eddie giggled.

“I have _no idea_ what you’re talking about,” Eddie said sweetly. Richie splashed him and Eddie laughed.

“You’re gonna make a mess, dude,” Eddie chided. Richie splashed him again, this time some of the water managed to get up and over the side.

“Look what you did,” Richie said, laughing.

“What I did?” Eddie asked. They laughed and began to rough house, splashing around until Richie accidentally elbowed Eddie in the stomach and he yelped in pain.

“Sorry, sorry, Eddie,” Richie said, pulling Eddie close.

“It’s ok,” Eddie said.

“Let me see, let me-” Richie said, trying to pull Eddie’s stomach closer.

“You can’t even see through your steamed up glasses,” Eddie said laughing. Water splashed up all around them, some spilling over the sides.

“Where does it hurt? Let me kiss it better,” Richie said. “Where-”

“Richie,” Eddie whined and laughed. “Stahp.”

“Let me-” Richie said but broke off when Eddie kissed him. Richie sighed into the kiss, his hands sliding all over Eddie’s water slick body. The water was getting higher. Eddie broke the kiss.

“Sorry,” Eddie said. “Let me turn the water off.” He sat up, twisted around, and turned the water off. They lay back and looked up at the skylight. The stars were so bright. Compared to LA, Derry had a good view of the stars, but here it was so much clearer. Richie took Eddie’s hand. They lay there silently, just looking up for a long time.

Eventually Richie leaned over and kissed Eddie’s shoulder.

“Thank you for this,” Richie said. _I love you so much,_ Richie thought to himself.

“You’re welcome,” Eddie said. They fell silent for a few minutes. Eddie cleared his throat but said nothing.

“You ok?” Richie asked. 

Eddie nodded. “Just tired. Want to get out soon? Roast some marshmallows?”

“That sounds good,” Richie said.

“We should rinse off in the shower first,” Eddie said, but didn’t get up.

“Why do we have to rinse off if we just took a bath?” Richie asked.

“All that soap could lead to skin irritation,” Eddie said. Richie rolled his eyes.

“I guess,” he said. Neither of them moved for another 10 minutes. They were just starting to doze off when Eddie jerked awake and slapped Richie’s chest on accident.

“Come on, up, up,” Eddie said. He leaned forward and unplugged the drain. “No sleeping, get up.” Eddie got up and got out. Richie groaned. Eddie ignored him and started up the shower.

“Ugh, you’re the worst,” Richie said, but got up too. He set his glasses on the counter before getting in the shower with Eddie. They rinsed off, washed their hair, and pulled on clean pajamas before heading to the front room to roast marshmallows.

They went to bed early that night, and just curled up around each other. They didn’t sleep much. Both of them knew they had limited time.

Eddie got up first the next morning. He made coffee and toast while Richie dozed in bed. They spent the 3rd day like the day before. Late in the afternoon, Max texted to check in and Eddie handed the phone over to Richie after reading the message.

_Max 4:15 pm: Hey, it’s Max. How are you guys doing?_  
_Eddie 4:16 pm: Hey, it’s Richie. We’re good. Haven’t done much. It’s been really nice._  
_Max 4:21 pm: Good! Just wanted to let you know the funeral is all set for Wednesday at 2:30 pm at your family’s church._  
_Eddie 4:23 pm: Thanks!_  
_Eddie 4:24 pm: Oh, hey, do you think you could get me something to wear for the funeral?_  
_Max 4:27 pm: Already done. You really ok?_  
_Eddie 4:31 pm: Yeah, I’m good. I mean, I’m sad, but I really needed to get the fuck out of Derry._  
_Eddie 4:32 pm: That place is so toxic._  
_Max 4:33 pm: Good._  
_Max 4:35 pm: Oh and Miranda wants to know if you can do an interview with Jimmy Kimmel next week. I told her, probably not, but she insisted I at least ask._  
_Eddie 4:37 pm: Ugh. Agents._  
_Eddie 4:37 pm: There’s no way out of this, is there?_  
_Eddie 4:38 pm: Doesn’t she know about my ma?_  
_Max 4:39 pm: Yes, but she wants you to go on and talk about you’re upcoming tour._  
_Max 4:40 pm: It starts in 3 weeks._  
_Eddie 4:42 pm: Can’t we postpone it?_  
_Max 4:43 pm: I’ll talk to Miranda, but I’m sure there’s a million reasons we can’t._  
_Eddie 4:44 pm: Ugh. Ok. Fine._  
_Eddie 4:45 pm: But can you please see if we can’t push anything back? I’m going to need some time when I get back to LA._  
_Max 4:47 pm: I’ll see what I can do, but I make no promises._  
_Eddie 4:48 pm: Thanks, Max. Love you._  
_Max 4:50: Love you, too._

Richie handed the phone back sighing.

“I can’t believe my agent,” Richie said. “I haven’t thought about the tour we have scheduled for next month, and now she wants me to go on Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Eddie looked at him from the otherside of the couch.

“She can’t postpone it?” Eddie asked and Richie shrugged.

“I’m sure she could, but that would require a lot of work from her,” Richie said.

“Are you even going to be able to do any of your sketches?” Eddie asked, and Richie shrugged again.

“I guess we’ll find out,” Richie said. “Maybe if I blow the interview, she’ll postpone the tour.” Richie laughed and Eddie sighed.

“I hope it doesn’t have to come to that,” Eddie said. Richie stretched and got up to get a drink.

“I hope so too, but I know Miranda and she’ll just try and get me to suck it up.”

“Maybe you should get a new agent.” 

Richie thought about it for a moment. “Nah! Miranda’s usually pretty good. She keeps me on track.”

“Yeah, but you should be allowed some time.” 

“Let’s talk about that later,” Richie sighed. “I’m getting kind of hungry.” 

Eddie rubbed his face. “What do you want to eat?”

“Food.” Richie shrugged and Eddie threw a pillow at him.

“What kind of food?” Eddie asked, and, before Richie could say anything, quickly added, “And don’t you dare say _good food_!” Richie laughed.

“Well, I don’t want _bad food_ ,” Richie said and Eddie groaned.

“You’re the fucking worst!” Eddie said.

“Grilled cheese?” Richie asked. “I’ll cook.” 

Eddie raised his eyebrows. “You? Cook?” 

“Hey, I cooked breakfast yesterday.” 

Eddie got up and kissed Richie’s forehead. “I’ll make food if you add some more wood to the fire,” Eddie said.

“Ok,” Richie said. He got up and Eddie went to the kitchen. After Richie added wood to the fire, he watched Eddie cook. They spent the rest of the evening curled up in bed watching _Crazy Ex-Girlfriend_ until they fell asleep.

When Richie woke up, Eddie was behind him, holding him so tightly Richie could hardly breathe, but there was something very comforting about it. Like he was something Eddie wanted to keep so desperately that he was afraid to relax even in sleep lest Richie get away. Richie wished he could lay there forever, but he had to use the bathroom. Richie gently stroked Eddie’s arm with the tips of his fingers.

“Hey, Eds,” Richie whispered. “Eds, wake up.”

“Nrgh, don’t, don’t wanna because then we have to leave,” Eddie mumbled, squeezing Richie tighter. Richie smiled.

“Let me go before I piss the bed, Eds,” Richie said. Eddie groaned and let Richie go. After grabbing his glasses, Richie stumbled to the bathroom. When he came back, Eddie was looking at his phone.

“What time is it?” Richie asked as he flopped facing Eddie on the bed. Eddie shoved his phone under his pillow. Richie cocked his head.

“I don’t want to acknowledge the outside world just yet,” Eddie said. Richie curled up in the bed next to Eddie.

“Fair,” Richie said, putting his head on Eddie’s chest, sighing. “Let’s just not go back. Let’s just live here in this bed forever.” 

Eddie laughed a little. “It’s gonna be ok, babe.”

“But is it? Is it? Is it _really_?” Richie asked. He sighed.

“It might take a while, but I’m sure things will even out,” Eddie said. Richie wanted to ask when things had gotten better for Eddie, but that was just mean. “And I’m here for you. Always.”

“I-” Richie paused. _Say it, just fucking say it,_ Richie thought to himself. “I know. Thank you.” Richie snuggled into Eddie’s chest and dozed off. Eddie rubbed his back.

Eventually they got up, had breakfast, and packed up. They took their time driving back to Derry, neither of them really wanting to get back. Even though Richie had told his dad to leave him alone, he knew he was going to have a shit ton of messages from his dad. _Maybe Max will look at them so I don’t have to,_ Richie thought to himself as he stared out the window. Eddie held out his hand for Richie to take as they crossed the line back into Derry.

It was early so they stopped at the coffee shop. When they walked in, Richie was surprised to find Max and the Losers sitting together at a large table. Richie looked at Eddie who shrugged. Ben saw them first and called them over.

“Hey,” Ben said, pulling Richie into a tight hug. Richie hugged him back, laughing a little.

“What are you guys doing here?” Eddie asked as Bill came over and hugged him. Richie knew something was up.

“What didn’t you tell us?” Richie asked Max who shook their head, no.

“Nothing,” Max said. “I already told Eddie about the photos that got leaked.”

“Photos?” Richie asked Eddie.

“It’s nothing,” Eddie said. “Some tabloid printed some pictures of us kissing, it’s no big deal.”

“What? Where? Let me see,” Richie said, holding his hand out for Eddie’s phone. Eddie pulled it out and opened it to the news story. It was mostly garbage but the pictures of them were on the street just outside Eddie’s apartment.

“I wonder which one of the cousins did this,” Richie said after a moment, laughing.

“They didn’t even spell my name right,” Eddie said pointing at his name, _Eddie Kispbrek._

"How could they have gotten it _so incredibly wrong_?” Richie asked. Eddie shrugged and kissed Richie’s cheek. “Well at least I know what I’ll be talking about with Jimmy.” Eddie smiled a little. They sat down with the others and Bill went to get them drinks.

They spent the next few hours just hanging out and talking. Ben and Bev had brought Sara. Sitting between Bev and Richie, Eddie immediately took her, holding her close.

“Isn’t she so cute?” Eddie asked Richie as he looked down at the small child. Richie smiled but his stomach flopped a little. _Does Eddie want kids?_ Richie thought to himself. _I don’t, what’s going to happen with that? Fuck my life._

Then he realized it didn’t matter. Eddie was staying here and Richie was going back to LA.

“Are you guys hungry?” Ben asked after a while. “We haven’t eaten yet, and I can go grab some pizza.”

“Sure,” Eddie said.

“Yeah, I could eat,” Richie said. They talked about what they wanted, and Ben left a few minutes later to go get it. Sara started getting fussy, so Eddie handed her back to Bev who began to feed her. Sighing, Eddie leaned into Richie.

“You ok?” Richie asked quietly while the others talked about some movie they’d all seen recently.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “Already missing the cabin.” Richie smiled.

“Me too,” Richie said, kissing Eddie’s cheek. Eventually Ben came back with the pizzas and they ate. When they were done, Bev and Ben said they had to get home and get Sara to bed. 

“But we’ll be there tomorrow,” Ben said and Richie looked up.

“Tomorrow?” Richie asked.

“Your mom’s funeral,” Bev said. “We’re all coming.” She looked around at the rest of their friends and they all nodded in agreement.

“Oh, you don’t-” Richie started.

“Someone’s got to make sure you don’t go after any more of your family,” Mike teased and Richie blushed.

“He started it,” Richie said sheepishly as Bev pulled him into a tight hug. She kissed his cheek.

“If you don’t want us to come, just text Bill and we won’t, but we thought it would be easier for you if we were there, that maybe your family wouldn’t come after you if you were literally surrounded by people who wouldn’t let them get to you,” Bev explained. Richie nodded a little, sighing.

“Thanks,” he whispered.

The rest of them trickled away until only Bill was left with Richie, Eddie, and Max.

“I guess we should get going too,” Max said eventually. “Tomorrow is going to be a long day.” Richie nodded a little but didn’t say anything. Eddie took his hand and squeezed tightly without looking at him.

“We’ll see you tomorrow,” Richie said to Bill, pulling him close and squeezing him tightly. After Max and Eddie said their goodbyes, they got in Eddie’s car and drove back to the apartment. They unloaded the bags before Richie went into Eddie’s room to grab his phone.

As soon as he turned it on, it began to go crazy with text notifications and missed calls. He sighed as he watched his dad’s contact name over and over. Holding the phone tightly in his hand, he walked out to the front room where Eddie was on the couch petting Ray, who was clearly telling him off for leaving him for so long. Max was in the bathroom.

“I know, I know, baby,” Eddie said. “I’m sorry. Really.” Ray meowed at him. “Richie needed me,” Eddie said in a small voice. Ray let out one final meow and then curled up in Eddie’s lap purring loudly.

“You tell him,” Richie said as he sat next to Eddie, watching him pet Ray. Neither of them said anything until his phone stopped going off.

“Your dad?” Eddie asked without looking up. Richie looked at his phone, nodding as he cleared the notifications and opened his text messages. He had 237 unopened text messages from his dad and one from Grace. The one from Grace had come in that afternoon.

_Grace 4:13 pm: Hey, when you get back in town, can you give me a call?_

“Mostly. One from Grace. She wants me to call her,” Richie said as he leaned onto Eddie’s shoulder. “What are the odds that she wants to talk about the pictures?”

“I’d say it’s pretty likely,” Eddie said. Richie sighed and pushed ‘call.’ She picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, how was the cabin?” Grace asked.

“Good, relaxing,” Richie said. “Totally needed.”

“I’m glad you had a good time,” Grace said and cleared her throat. “Have you seen the news?”

“Oh you mean about me and Eds having a secret love affair?” Richie asked, giving Eddie a look and Eddie smirked.

“Yeah, that,” Grace said. She paused. Grunting, Richie got up and went to the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“Is your silence asking me if it’s true?” Richie asked. Grace didn’t say anything for a minute.

“Maybe,” she said and Richie groaned. “I’m sorry, but you’ve been in love with Eddie since the actual beginning of time.”

“Grace,” Richie whispered. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t have any idea as to what I”m doing. And it’s _fucking terrifying_.”

“Oh, Richie,” Grace said. “Well, I’m here if you need to talk.”

“Thanks,” Richie said. He took a deep breath. “How is- How is everyone?”

“Elliot is pissed, but mom told him off. He should be fine at the funeral,” Grace said. Richie cleared his throat.

“My friends are coming too, so even if he tries something, it’s not going to be easy for him to get to me,” Richie said and paused. “How’s my dad? He texted me a bunch of times, but I haven’t read any of them.”

“He’s… your dad,” Grace said.

“He’s pissed I didn’t respond to anything, isn’t he?” Richie asked.

“That’s a given,” Grace said, and Richie sighed but said nothing. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” Grace asked eventually. Pushing his glasses up, Richie rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“Not even a little bit,” Richie said. “But Max said everything is ready, so I basically just have to show up and try to not punch anyone.”

“If you need anything, just let me know.”

“Keep your brother away from me tomorrow?” 

“I’ll do my best. He looks like garbage, by the way. You _really_ did a number on his face.”

“Good. Maybe now he’ll leave us _fags_ alone.” 

Grace sighed a little. “I love you,” she said.

“I love you, too,” Richie said. “I better go. I have to shower and pretend to sleep.”

“Yeah, sleep has _really_ sucked here, too. See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” Richie repeated and hung up. After a moment, Richie got up and went back out front. Max was back on the couch, and Eddie was making tea.

“Everything ok?” Max asked. Richie nodded.

“Everything is fine,” Richie said. “And by fine, I mean shit, but there’s no new drama to report.” Richie sat on the couch near Max’s feet.

“Well, that’s something at least,” Max said and Richie nodded.

“I’m so _not_ looking forward to tomorrow,” Richie said.

“That’s understandable,” Max said as Eddie came in with two cups of tea.

“Here, this should help you sleep,” Eddie said.

“Thanks,” Richie said, taking the mug. He blew on it and sighed. Eddie handed the second mug to Max.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Max said.

“Tomorrow is going to be a long day,” Eddie said, glancing at Richie. Max nodded and sighed. Eddie went back to the kitchen to get his own mug.

“Think you’re going to punch anyone tomorrow?” Max asked, laughing.

“I fucking hope not. The last thing I need is someone to sell _those_ photos.” He took a sip of his tea and winced, burning his mouth a little.

“Damn,” Max said. “I wish I could have been there.” Everyone laughed.

Eddie yawned loudly. “I’m going to bed,” he said as he kissed Richie’s hair. “Don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t, daddy,” Richie said, smirking but not looking up at him. Max spat out their tea, laughing.

“Punk,” Eddie said, smiling as he disappeared into his room. 

Richie smirked and leaned into Max, sighing.“Tomorrow is going to suck so hard,” he muttered.

“Yeah, but you won’t be alone,” Max said.

“Thanks for everything.” Richie took Max’s hand and squeezed.

“I’m glad I can help. Wish I could do more.” 

Richie sighed and took a sip of his tea.

“I love you, Max,” Richie said and leaned up and kissed Max’s cheek.

“I love you, too,” Max said as Richie got up.

“I’m going to bed. See you in the morning.”

“Goodnight,” Max called as Richie opened the door and slipped in. Eddie was laying in bed watching more Youtube with Ray curled up at his side.

“Hey,” Eddie said as Richie put his cup down.

“Hey,” Richie said. He pulled off his shirt and pants before crawling into bed. He took a large swallow of tea. It tasted familiar but he couldn’t quite place it. Eddie scooted close enough to touch, but didn’t.

“How are you doing?” Eddie asked looking over at Richie. 

Taking a deep breath, Richie shrugged. “I’m scared,” Richie admitted. 

“Just remember, you’re not alone,” Eddie said, kissing his shoulder. “If it gets to be too much, we can leave.” 

Richie nodded but knew there was no way he could leave without his family taking it as a huge insult. After Richie finished his tea, he got up and brushed his teeth. He stood and stared at himself for a long time. Everything felt so off. He didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to be here any more. He wished it was next week and he was back in LA with a _big_ bottle of rum, because that was _really_ the only way any of this could go. He took a deep breath and quickly wiped a tear away from his cheek.

“Stop it, you fucking pussy,” he whispered to himself. “Just fucking stop it.” He took a deep breath and splashed water on his face before heading back to bed. Eddie was curled up on his side, half asleep. Richie took off his glasses and crawled into bed, pulling Eddie close. Eddie murmured something that Richie couldn’t quite understand. “Shh,” Richie whispered. “It’s ok.” Eddie sighed and squeezed Richie a little tighter.

Eventually Richie drifted off into a deep and, thankfully, dreamless sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: funeral, grief, homophobia

He woke up early the next morning to his phone ringing, a sound he had not missed. He tugged himself free from Eddie, grabbed his phone, and put on his glasses. It was Grace. Richie hit answer and went to the closet, closing the door behind him.

“Hey, what’s up?” Richie whispered.

“You’re not coming, but I told your dad I would ask you to come for breakfast,” Grace said quickly. “Literally no one expects you to come.”

“Oh...kay,” Richie said.

“We’ll see you at the funeral,” Grace said and hung up. Richie stared at his phone and rubbed his face, and his stomach rumbled weirdly. He was going to be so happy when this was all over and Grace went back to just texting him every few months.

“Richie?” Eddie yelled in a weird high pitched voice from outside the closet. Richie came out and went to Eddie who was seconds away from a full panic attack. He was shaking and breathing weird like he did when he was a kid. When Eddie pulled Richie close, Eddie’s shirt was soaked with sweat.

“Hey, hey, I’m here,” Richie murmured. “I was just talking-” Max knocked on the door.

“Everything ok?” Max asked.

“We’re fine,” Richie called back.

“I’m gonna go get coffee,” Max called back as Eddie began to cry.

“Ok,” Richie called. He looked down at Eddie. “Hey, Eds, you’re ok. I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said thickly. “I’m fine, it’s fine, you’re fine. You’re here and you’re fine.” He leaned up and kissed Richie roughly, trying to pull him closer, but Richie pulled back.

“Hey, hey,” Richie said, wiping a tear from Eddie’s cheek. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing, I’m fine,” Eddie insisted, pulling Richie down again. Richie tugged out of Eddie’s reach.

“Stop it, Eddie. Just talk to me,” Richie said. Eddie rubbed his face and took a deep breath.

“I just thought-” Eddie started. “I just had a bad dream.” Richie scooted a little closer. “I didn’t mean for this morning to go like this. I wanted to be solid for you, wanted you to be able to lean on me. I just-” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I had a dream about Stan. I just miss him so much, and I was afraid you’d-” He looked down at his lap. “All of this is just too much, and it makes me feel like such an asshole. Who takes someone else’s mother’s death and makes it about themself?”

“Eddie, I’m pretty sure it’s normal for this sort of thing to pull you back into those messy stages of grief. Stan wasn’t that long ago, and you’ve known my mom almost your whole life,” Richie pointed out and Eddie took a deep breath as Richie pulled him closer. “You are allowed to have feelings.” Sighing, Eddie rubbed his face. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Eddie clutched Richie tightly.

“I should shower,” Eddie said, pulling himself up, letting go of Richie slowly. He sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at his feet. “I love you, Richie,” he said in a small voice. Without waiting for a response, he got up and went to the closet to get his clothes. Richie watched him leave, mouth hanging open, his heart thudding hard in his chest.

“Fuck,” Richie said when Eddie closed the bathroom door behind him. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He got up and started to pace around the apartment. Max came in a few minutes later. They saw Richie pacing and frowned.

“What happened now?” Max asked, putting the coffees on the counter. Richie came out of the bedroom shaking his head.

“Later,” he said and took a large drink of his coffee.

“Is it Eddie?” Max asked in a low voice.

“Are you going to shower first?” Richie asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Max said. “Ok.” Max held out a white paper bag. “Turnover?”

“Sure,” Richie said. He took one and ate it slowly. Eddie took a long time in the shower but eventually came out in just a towel. Instead of going straight to the bedroom, he came over to the front room and grabbed his coffee.

“Thanks,” Eddie said and went to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“You have my suit?” Richie asked, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Yeah, I hung it up in Eddie’s closet,” Max said.

“Of course you did,” Richie said.

_How could this happen?_ Richie thought to himself. _How could I let myself get so wrapped up in something I know can only end badly? Why am I so fucking stupid? I should be focusing on my ma, not Eddie._ He sighed and Max leaned their head on Richie.

“You want to shower first, or should I go?” Max asked, sliding his arm around Richie’s waist.

“Uh, I’ll go, I guess,” Richie said. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He went to the bedroom door and knocked. “Just me,” Richie said and went in. Eddie was pulling on some jeans facing away from the door. He stood there topless and Richie just watched him for a moment. He had hickeys and bite marks all over his shoulders. Eddie pulled on a red polo and turned around. Clearly there was no point in putting on their funeral clothes so early in the morning.

“Hey, Richie,” Eddie said. Richie cleared his throat and just watched Eddie for a moment.

“Hey, Eddie,” Richie said. “Max got turnovers if you want one.”

“Ok,” Eddie said and stretched out on his bed drinking his coffee and playing on his phone.

“Do you want me to get you one before I get in the shower?” Richie asked.

“I’ll get one in a bit,” Eddie said, not looking up.

“Oh, ok,” Richie said. He went to the bathroom and stripped out of his clothes. He stood in front of the mirror for a long time just staring at his body, his eyes, his face. He was already starting to grey, but it was hard to tell unless you were really looking for it. His hair was a mess, and he wondered if he should have tried to get a haircut before the funeral. _Too late now,_ Richie thought to himself and sighed.

Eventually he got in the shower and let the warm water splash over him. He washed his hair and body. When he got out, he sat down on the toilet and stared at his feet for a long time. Sighing, he got up, towelled off, and brushed his teeth. Without looking at the others, he went to Eddie’s room wearing just a towel to get dressed.

When he came back out, Eddie was sitting at the kitchen table eating a turnover. He looked up and smiled a little at Richie. Richie squeezed his shoulder as he sat down next to him. Max looked between them, and raised an eyebrow at Richie who just shook his head, no.

“My turn for the shower,” Max said. Richie took Eddie’s hand when the door closed.

“Eddie,” Richie said and Eddie squeezed Richie’s hand.

“No, later. After the funeral,” Eddie said looking at his knees. “We said after the funeral. I just- I just wanted you to know.” Richie turned Eddie’s face towards him, cupping his cheek, and kissed him so gently. When they broke apart, Richie pushed his forehead into Eddie’s, _I love you, too,_ Richie thought as hard as he could. _Whatever happens, I love you so fucking much._

After a few minutes, they got up and went back to Eddie’s bedroom, closing the door behind them. Eddie curled up and put his head on Richie’s chest, closing his eyes. Richie turned on the TV and pulled up Youtube. He put the dog train one back on, and rubbed Eddie’s back. They lay there for a long time. Eventually, Max came and knocked on Eddie’s door. Eddie jerked a little. “It’s ok,” Richie whispered.

“Sorry, guys,” Max called through the door. “We need to get going though.” Eddie yawned, stretching.

“Give us a few,” Richie called. He rubbed his face as Eddie sat up. He looked over at Richie and squeezed Richie’s hand.

“Come on,” Eddie said. They got up and got dressed slowly. Richie struggled with his tie, and Eddie had to help him. Richie just kept staring at Eddie. He couldn’t believe this was _really_ happening, that he was going to his ma’s funeral. After a few minutes, they walked out to the front room.

“Did you get me shoes?” Richie asked. Max looked up from their phone and nodded.

“Should be in a box in Eddie’s closet,” Max said. Eddie went and grabbed them. He held out a box to Richie, and watched him as he sat down on the couch next to Max. When his shoes were on, he got up and looked at his two friends. Despite everything, he couldn’t quite believe there were so many people who wanted to help him, wanted to be there for him. His chest tightened a little and he cleared his throat.

“You guys ready?” Richie asked.

“Ready as we’ll ever be,” Max said and took Richie’s hand, squeezing it tightly. They drove in silence to the church. When they got there, Richie’s dad was just getting out of his car. It was weird to see him alone. Richie squeezed Eddie’s hand. Eddie looked over at Richie.

“You’ve got this,” Eddie murmured.

“It’s going to be ok,” Max said. Richie nodded. They got out of the car as Ben and Bev pulled into the parking lot. Richie took Eddie’s hand and held tightly. The best thing that had happened from that stupid leaked story was there was no reason to not hold Eddie’s hand through this nightmare of an afternoon. Eddie squeezed his hand tightly.

Richie’s dad started to come over to them, but Max stepped in between them and walked over to Richie’s dad, presumably to talk about the final funeral arrangements. Richie pulled Eddie over to Ben and Bev. As soon as he was in grabbing distance, Bev and Ben pulled Richie into a tight hug. Bev kissed his cheek.

“Where’s Sara?” Richie asked.

“We got a babysitter,” Ben said. “We figured it would be easier.” Richie nodded, sighing a little.

“We can pick her up later, bring her by if you want,” Bev offered. Richie shrugged. Another car pulled into the parking lot.

“Come on, let’s go in,” Eddie said in a low voice. They all went in. The church was hushed. Richie was surprised to see how many people were already there. It was weird to be back. Every Sunday morning of his childhood had been spent in this room. He’d hated every minute of it. Out of habit, he reached into the Holy water and made the sign of the cross as he entered. The others followed suit. Richie bit his lip as he stared up at the coffin. He knew he should go up and say goodbye, or pay his respects, or whatever it was the people did, but he didn’t even make it halfway up to the altar before he found a seat and pretended like that was his plan the whole time.

Eddie sat next to him, holding tightly to his hand as Bev and Ben sat behind them. Max was on the other side of Eddie. Richie didn’t think anything of it until Mike and Nathan came in and sat in front of them. The Losers were literally going to surround him and not let his family near him. A lump formed in Richie’s throat. Slowly people came in and found their seats. Most of them went up to pay their respects, but many others went and found seats without going up to the coffin.

When Grace and her family came in, Rachel came over to Richie and gave him a big hug before going back to her family. Mason sat near Richie and his friends but away from the rest of his family. Grace started to try and coax him into coming closer, but Adam shushed her and went to sit by his son.

Bill and Audra got there a few minutes later. Bill sat close to Richie, his hip pushing into Richie’s and he squeezed Richie’s knee.

“Hey,” Bill whispered. Richie leaned into him a little not trusting his voice. Taking another deep breath, Richie closed his eyes and rested his head on Bill’s shoulder. A moment later, Eddie nudged his knee. Richie looked around and saw Elliot. He couldn’t help but smile. Elliot _really_ did look worse than Richie. He didn’t even acknowledge them as he went and sat next to Richie’s dad.

A few minutes later, a man got up and went to the front podium. He cleared his throat and started talking about Richie’s ma, but as soon as he started talking, Richie let out a loud sob and couldn’t stop. He shoved his glasses up on top of his head and wiped at his face with his free hand. He took Bill’s hand even as he twisted away from him and curled into Eddie’s shoulder a little. Bill leaned close, holding tightly to Richie’s hand, and Ben reached up and put his hand on Richie’s shoulder, squeezing. Richie tried to take a deep breath, but his chest was so tight. He knew he needed to shut the fuck up, that his family was staring at them, judging him, but he just couldn’t stop. Eddie leaned closer and whispered softly to Richie.

“It’s ok,” Eddie said. “You’re ok. I’m here. We’re here.” Bill squeezed Richie’s hand again. Eventually Richie pulled himself together long enough to look around. His dad was up at the podium now, talking about his ma.

“I met Maggie at a roller rink when she was 20 and I was 24. She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. The first time I spoke to her, I made a complete ass of myself, excuse my language,” his dad said. Richie wondered if he was drunk. He sat transfixed. He’d never heard his dad talk about his ma like this. “Maggie was a patient woman, a loving mother. She loved her nieces and nephews as if they were her own kids.” His dad paused. “I’m not good at this, but Maggie was the very best part of my life and I’m going to miss her every day for the rest of my life. She touched so many people. Thank you for coming. It would have meant a lot to her.” He walked away a little abruptly.

One by one, Richie’s family and friends of the family got up to say stuff about his ma. Most of it was the same stuff over and over, how much his ma loved them, accepted them, took care of the, and Richie couldn’t help grow tenser and tenser. He held so tightly to Eddie’s and Bill’s hands his own ached, but neither man moved to let go.

Finally there was a lull in people. Richie cleared his throat and got up. Bill let him go but he clung to Eddie’s hand. They walked up to the podium and stood facing the people. Richie cleared his throat.

“Hey,” Richie said. “I’m sure you all know who I am, even if you didn’t grow up here.” He paused. He had no idea what he was doing, knew this was a mistake. _Just say something nice and then sit down, you asshole,_ he tried to tell himself, but that was the reasonable thing to do, and of course he was never good at doing reasonable things. He cleared his throat again. “My relationship with my family has never been an easy one. I knew I was gay when I turned 13 and saw Johnny Depp in _Nightmare on Elm Street._ That belly shirt…” He trailed off. “Anyway, I know I was pretty obvious, didn’t make it easy for my parents to ignore. They even brought me to church to try and talk to a priest about my ‘sinful compulsions,’” he said with air quotes with his free hand. He laughed a little. “A Catholic priest wanted to talk to me about sinful compulsions as if they hadn’t been-”

“Richie!” Eddie hissed. Richie cleared his throat.

“Sorry, I’m off track. You’d think I’d be used to public speaking considering my job, but you know what they say about people who assume things,” Richie said and Eddie groaned. “It’s amazing to me how much my ma meant to other people, how much she loved them, and helped them when-” His voice cracked. “I am going to miss her. I’m going to miss what we could have been. I’m happy she touched so many lives, even if she couldn’t be there for me.”

“Richie,” Eddie whispered again, but this time he wasn't chastising, he was trying to make sure Richie knew he'd been heard. Richie looked at his dad who was glaring at him.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the son you wanted.” He dragged Eddie back to their seats. Bill squeezed his hand as Audra leaned over and squeezed Richie’s knee.

A few moments later, Elliot got up and said something Richie couldn’t quite make out. Everything was so far away and he couldn’t be bothered to pay attention. After a while, people began leaving until the only people in the church were Richie and his friends.

Slowly, he got to his feet and walked up to the coffin alone. His ma looked weird. He’d seen a few dead bodies before, distant relatives mostly, but this was the first he could remember what she sounded like in life, what she smelled like. This wasn’t his ma. This was nothing. He began to cry again as he looked down at her.

“Why wasn’t I enough but Elliot was? And everyone else? Why couldn’t you be there for me when it mattered?” Richie asked. The body just lay there. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. When he opened them, his dad was right beside him. Bill and Eddie were coming to them but Richie just stared at his dad.

“Your ma loved you, you shithead,” his father said, voice shaking. “How dare you.” Eddie took Richie’s hand and Bill stood in between them ready to break up a physical fight.

“How dare I? How dare I be honest?” Richie shouted. “We were never good at honesty.” Richie shook his head. “I was never good enough. I will _never_ be good enough.”

“You are such a whiny little pissbaby,” Richie’s dad said. “We are at your ma’s funeral and all you can think about is yourself.”

“Oh, shut up!” Richie shrieked. “You wanted me to talk. You wanted this! You wanted me to fuck up so you can go on being the victim when you’re nothing but an abusive, bigotted asshole!”

“Richard Tozier!” His dad hissed. “I told you once, and I’ll tell you again, you’re not too old to smack.”

“You touch one fucking hair on his head-” Eddie started.

“And you’ll be looking at assault charges,” Bill said glancing between Richie’s dad and Eddie. Richie closed his eyes as another tear rolled down his cheek.

“If we can’t be honest now, when can we be honest?” Richie asked. Eddie squeezed his hand and Richie squeezed back. Richie’s dad took a deep breath.

“You didn’t let us in, Richie. You _never_ let us in,” his dad said. “We found out you were gay when we came to see you do one of your routines in college.”

“You never-”

“We wanted to surprise you and left before you saw us,” Richie’s dad said. “We didn’t want you to be embarrassed. We were waiting for you to tell us, and you never did. How do you think that made us feel?”

“Dad, how many fucking times did you tell me that being gay was a sin that I would go to hell for when I was a kid? And after college? Do you even think Elliot did anything wrong the other day?” Richie asked. “You have made it very clear that you don’t _want_ to know me.”

“You never gave us a chance.”

“You never made me feel safe,” Richie countered.

“Richie,” his dad said.

“No, dad, no. I’m tired. I’m so tired of waiting for you to love me. Either you do or you don’t. If you love me, that means you love the gay parts, too. Don’t pretend anymore. We’re not obligated to put up with each other just because you’re my dad,” Richie said. “I wish we could have had this conversation at a different time, but she didn’t want to hear it, and you clearly don’t want to hear it.” Richie’s dad looked at him for a moment. He opened his mouth to say something but just closed his mouth and left.

As soon as he was gone, Richie fell into Eddie, sobbing again. His friends came rushing over and pulled him into a group hug while he cried. Eddie held him tightly, whispering that everything was going to be ok, that they were there for him, that Eddie was proud of him. That he loved him.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: past suicide mention

Richie wasn’t sure how they got back to Bill’s, but one minute they were in the church and the next he was standing in Bill’s kitchen while the others made sandwiches and drank coffee. Eddie was leaning into his side talking to Bill about the latest book Bill was writing.

“Hey, you hungry?” Bev asked Richie as she handed Eddie a sandwich. He looked over at her. “I can make you a sandwich.” Richie cleared his throat.

“I’m not-” He started and Eddie glanced up at him. “Is there ham?”

“Yeah,” Bev said. She made him a sandwich quickly. She brushed some hair out of her face. “We’re going to watch a movie if you want to join us.” Eddie looked up at Richie who just shrugged.

“What are you going to watch?” Richie asked. He took a small bite of sandwich.

“I think there’s a toss up between _101 Dalmatians_ and-”

“ _101 Dalmatians_ is good,” Richie said. He took another bite of the sandwich. Bev smiled at him.

“Ok, I’ll tell the others,” Bev said leaving them alone. Eddie looked up at Richie and Richie took a deep breath.

“Is this ok?” Richie asked. “I know we’ve got to talk-”

“It’s fine, Richie,” Eddie murmured, cupping his cheek with his hand. Richie reached up and covered Eddie’s. “We have all night.” 

Richie picked up Eddie’s hand and kissed his palm a couple of times before dropping it and pulling Eddie close for a real kiss. 

After they ate their sandwiches, they went to the front room where the other Losers, Max, and Audra had made a blanket fort and were all laid together on the floor. Most of them were laying with their backs up against the couch, but Bill was laying on his stomach facing the TV. Richie smiled a little and laid down on his stomach in the empty space next to Bill, Eddie settling with his back up against the couch on Richie’s other side. Someone pushed ‘play’ a moment later and Richie sighed as the bloopy intro music began.

The next few hours went by quickly. Richie couldn’t focus on the movie, but he’d seen it so many times it didn’t really matter. The others talked quietly amongst themselves as Richie rolled on to his back listening to all of them. They were all so amazing, Audra and Max especially. So far as he knew, they’d all just gone with the blanket fort thing. He smiled at the ceiling and took a deep breath.

“You ok?” Eddie whispered. Richie looked over at him.

“No,” Richie whispered. “But I’m glad I’m here.” Eddie smiled at him.

“I’m glad you’re here, too,” Eddie whispered, squeezing Richie’s hand. A few minutes later, Richie’s phone went off. He pulled it out of his pocket, sighing a little. _Don’t be my dad, don’t be my dad, don’t be my dad,_ Richie thought to himself as he unlocked his phone. It was Grace.

_Grace 6:17 pm: Hey, I hope you’re ok. I would have texted sooner, but the family has kind of exploded._  
_Richie 6:18 pm: Sorry about that. I honestly don’t know what came over me._  
_Grace 6:20 pm: Are you with your friends?_  
_Richie 6:21 pm: Yeah. We’re watching 101 Dalmatians._  
_Grace 6:22 pm: You are such a fucking dork, lol._  
_Richie 6:24 pm: What do you want Grace?_  
_Grace 6:27 pm: To check on you._  
_Grace 6:27 pm: And to figure out when you’re leaving town. The kids want to see you before you go._  
_Richie 6:29 pm: Not sure. Have to check and see if Max booked us flights._  
_Grace 6:35 pm: Ok._  
_Richie 6:36 pm: Is there anything else?_  
_Grace 6:37 pm: Nothing that I want to talk about over text._

Groaning, Richie got up.

“You ok?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah, have to pee,” Richie said. He went to the bathroom and closed the door before hitting the ‘call’ button. Grace picked up on the third ring.

Neither of them said anything for several moments.

“What Richie? I’ve got to get the kids to bed,” Grace said. Richie huffed.

“You texted me, Grace. What the fuck do you want?” Richie growled. He thought he knew what this was about, and he couldn’t stand it. Ok, yeah, what he said at the funeral probably wasn’t appropriate, but it was all true.

“Hang on,” she said. He could hear her talking to her family in the background. “Adam, can you make sure everyone brushes their teeth? I have to talk to Richie.”

“Now?” Adam asked, and Richie frowned, a tension headache already starting at his temple.

“I’m on the phone with him now,” Grace explained and Richie sighed.

“I don’t have all night,” Richie said. Grace ignored him while she and Adam bickered back and forth for a few more moments, and then there was silence.

“Sorry,” Grace said. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Look. I know things have been hard for you, and I’m sorry, but _at your mother’s funeral? Really?_ ” Richie huffed.

“When else-”

“Anytime. Richie. Literally anytime. Anytime this past week. Anytime next week, a month from now, when the fuck ever!”

“Grace,” Richie said.

“No, Richie. I know this week has sucked. I know your dad and my brother are fucking dumbasses, but why couldn’t you have _just_ waited?” Grace asked. Richie rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand. He bit his lip.

“How’s my dad?” Richie asked. Grace sighed.

“He drank until he passed out,” Grace said. They fell silent.

“What was I supposed to say?” Richie asked. “Honestly. Tell me. Should I have just lied? How could that _really_ have been any better?” He licked his lips. “Do you mean it would have been better for you? Because no one wants to deal with this?”

“Richie, that’s not fair, not all of us-”

“Why couldn’t you stand up for me? Mason stood up more for me this week than you _ever_ have.”

“How is it my fault that the family is so homophobic?”

“It’s not,” Richie said. “But you could also maybe tell them to shut up sometimes.”

“I’m sorry, Richie. You just-” She started and stopped. “Why does everything have to come back to this?”

“Uh, maybe because they don’t see me as human because I’m gay.”

“They wouldn’t say those things if they didn’t care.”

“Well maybe they should just learn to care less,” Richie said. “I have to go. I’ll call you with my flight information.” He hung up before she could say anything else. He stood there staring at his phone and it started ringing. Instead of simply ‘rejecting’ Grace’s call, Richie threw his phone into the tub. It shattered into several pieces, clattering loudly.

“Fuck,” Richie groaned. Someone knocked on the door.

“You ok in there?” Eddie asked. “I thought I heard a bang.” 

Richie opened the door, pulled Eddie in, and slammed it shut behind them. He roughly shoved Eddie up against the bathroom door, kissing him roughly, holding tightly to the shorter man’s collar. Eddie groaned and pushed Richie back. Richie let Eddie go.

“Sorry, sorry,” Richie said. He bent down and picked up some of the pieces of his phone. “I finally broke my phone.” He laughed a little. Eddie licked his lips.

“What happened, Richie?” Eddie asked so gently it hurt Richie’s heart. Richie shook his head, no.

“Not here,” Richie said. “Can we go ho-” He cleared his throat. “Can we just go back to your apartment? Please?” He wanted to puke or scream or punch something. He wanted to run away and never come back. He wanted to shove Eddie back up against the door and fuck him until they both forgot their names.

“Yeah, come on,” Eddie said. He opened the bathroom door and they went back to the front room. Everyone looked up at them as they came back in.

“Richie,” Bill said and started to get up. Ignoring the others, Richie pushed through to the front door as he tried to not cry.

“I’m going to take him home,” Eddie said. “He uh- he broke his phone.”

“If it’s ok, I’ll stay with Bill tonight,” Max said. “Give you guys some privacy.”

“Yeah, of course you can stay,” Bill said. “Is he ok?”

Richie sighed. He was so tired of people asking that. Of course he wasn’t ok, could another question be asked?

“No, I don’t think he is,” Eddie said. “I’ll see you in a bit.” He came and found Richie. “Ready?”

“No,” Richie said but opened the door and went to Eddie’s car. They drove back to his apartment and went in. As soon as the door was closed, Richie grabbed Eddie and kissed him roughly. When they pulled apart, he put his forehead against Eddie’s.

“I-” Richie started. _Just do it. Just fucking say it,_ he told himself, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. “I love you, Eddie.” Eddie sighed.

“I know,” Eddie whispered. “I love you, too.” They kissed again, this time gentler, slower. They pulled apart when Ray began to meow at their feet. Eddie laughed a little and Richie’s nausea came back. “Let me feed the cat,” Eddie said, and Richie nodded. He went to Eddie’s room and tugged out of his clothes until he was wearing nothing but his briefs. Eddie came in a few minutes later. Richie took a deep breath and stretched out on the bed. Eddie stripped down to his boxers and left his clothes in a pile next to Richie’s. He straddled Richie and they kissed for a long time. Richie wished they never had to stop kissing, that they could just stay like this forever. When Eddie finally pulled back, Richie looked up at him, sliding his hand against Eddie’s strong neck. Eddie smiled down at him, and sat back, ass between Richie’s thighs, his legs draped over Richie’s sides. Richie fixed his glasses and looked up at Eddie, one hand tucked behind his head.

“What are you thinking about?” Eddie asked. Richie bit back a groan. He shook his head and sat up, his hand still cupping Eddie’s neck.

“I love you so much,” Richie said. “I love you more than I’ve _ever_ loved anyone in my life. “He took a deep breath. He fucking hated himself for doing this. _Just do it,_ he told himself. _It’s better this way._

“I love you, Eddie, but-” Richie started, and Eddie closed his eyes. “It could never work between us.” Eddie pushed his forehead into Richie’s.

“Why-” Eddie started, choking on his tears a little. He sat up. “Why not?”

“You live here. I live in LA. You’re not going to leave, and I’m not coming back.” 

Eddie swallowed. “What if-” Eddie started, but Richie shook his head, no.

“No, don’t do that,” Richie whispered. “Let’s not pretend like we have more than just tonight.” A tear slid down Eddie’s cheek. Richie brushed it away with his thumb. Eddie tried to pull away, but Richie pulled his face back towards him. “Hey, look at me.” Eddie looked up as another tear spilled down his cheek. “I have always loved you. I will always-”

“Don’t,” Eddie said softly. “Don’t say stuff like that if you’re just going to leave.” 

Richie hesitated for a moment. “Eddie, I can’t stay here, My family-” 

“No, yeah, I get it.” Eddie nodded. “Let’s just- Can we be done talking? If this is our last night, I want to make sure you _never_ forget it.” 

Richie pulled him close, kissing him roughly.

The next few hours, they didn’t talk much. Richie couldn’t quite grasp that they’d said the words out loud, and that in the morning, the words wouldn’t matter. There would be no more. Eddie would fade into a distant memory, something Richie would do his best to never talk about, to never think about again.

Eddie fell asleep around four in the morning. Richie watched him sleep for a long time before he got up and grabbed everything he could find that was his. When he was all packed, he took his bag into the front room, and found some paper and a pen. He thought for a minute and began to write.

_Dear Eddie,_

_I’m sorry to leave like this, but I’m afraid if I wait, I’ll do something stupid. I’m sorry for hurting you. You are my favorite person on this planet, and this is literally killing me._

_I need you to know, I will never regret this week with you, only that I hurt you._

_But you’ll be ok, Eds, you will. You’ll find someone to love, who can love you here. I hate that I’m leaving you like this, but it’s the only humane way. I don’t want to beg you to come, and I don’t think I could handle you asking me to stay._

_I am so sorry._

_Love, Richie_

He read the letter over several times before going back in the room. He put the paper on the pillow next to Eddie and leaned down for one last kiss. Eddie smiled in his sleep, and Richie choked back a sob.

After closing the bedroom door behind him, Richie grabbed his bag and left. It was so dark outside, and Richie began to cry in earnest. He looked around unsure of where to go, and it was so cold, so he just started walking. He got to the diner hoping it would be open, and almost thanked god when it was. There were only a few people in the restaurant, and the waitress who seated him looked exhausted.

“What can I get you to drink?” She asked.

“Coffee and some cream, please,” Richie said as she put a menu down on the table.

“Sure thing, be right back,” she said. He nodded and stared across the street at Bill’s coffee shop. He tried to not think about Eddie waking up alone and finding that shitty ass note. Richie couldn’t believe he’d done that. He was such an asshole. The waitress came back with his coffee.

“What can I get you to eat?” She asked. Richie sighed and glanced at the menu.

“Uh, the french toast plate, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Thanks,” he said, handing the menu back.

“You got it,” she said and left. Richie poured cream and sugar into his coffee. He took a sip and winced. The coffee was hot. He sighed as he stared out the window. The waitress brought his food out a few minutes later. He nibbled on the bacon, but just stared out the window. When he got through about half his food, he stopped pretending to eat, and just stared off into space. The waitress brought the check and cleared his place. He paid but didn’t leave.

He fell into a light sleep and woke up a bit later to the waitress shaking his shoulder.

“Sorry, hun, but you can’t sleep here,” she said. Richie rubbed his face and looked out the window.

“What time is it?” He asked.

“About 6:30,” the woman said.

“If I promise not to go back to sleep, can I stay and have another cup of coffee?” Richie asked. The woman studied him for a moment.

“Sure,” she said. She started to walk away, but then came back. “Are you- I’m sorry, but are you ok?” Richie took a deep breath and cleared his throat.

“Just having a rough week,” Richie said. “I’ll be fine.” The woman nodded and left him.

At 7, Richie left a $50 on the table and went across the street. He was just getting to the door as Bill was turning the sign and unlocking the door. He pushed it open when he saw Richie.

“What-” Bill started and Richie let out a strange noise. “My car is around back. Go- just go. Let me call someone in. I’ll be right out.” Richie took the keys and walked around to the back of the building. He was just starting to doze off again when Bill got in. Richie jerked awake, gasping.

“Hey,” Bill said. “What are you doing here?”

“I fucked up,” Richie said. 

Bill studied him for a moment. “You told him you were going back to LA.”

Richie let out a breath. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” He sucked in a shaky breath. “Can I stay with you until I get a flight out?” Bill studied him.

“Does Eddie know you’re gone?” Bill asked. Richie bit his lip. “Richie!”

“What? I left a note!” Richie said.

Bill grunted in frustration. “Richie, I could fucking punch you. You are such a fucking coward!” Bill yelled as he started the car. “You can stay with me _after_ Eddie wakes up.” He pulled out of the spot.

“I- I can’t,” Richie screamed. “Please! I can’t!”

“You have to! You’re not fucking doing this to him.” He drove them to Eddie’s and dragged him up the stairs.

“Bill-” Richie started, but Bill just pulled out a spare key and shoved him in.

“Have him text me when you leave so I know he’s awake,” Bill ordered.

“Why-” Richie started.

“Because when Stan ki- when he died, Eddie was asleep,” Bill said. Wincing, Richie sucked in a breath. “You’re not doing this to him.”

“He’s only been asleep for a few hours,” Richie said. “This might be a while.”

“I’ll be here,” Bill said. Richie sighed and tugged out of his coat. He went to the bedroom where Eddie was still sleeping. After finding and destroying the note, Richie stripped down to his underwear again, and stretched out next to Eddie. Richie was so fucking tired. Eddie pulled him close. Richie fought sleep for a moment, but it pulled him under.

***

He woke up several hours later to Ray jumping on his chest. Richie groaned and rubbed his face. He could hear Eddie in the kitchen cooking breakfast and talking to someone. _Max must be back,_ he thought to himself as he got up. He checked the time. It was almost 12. He took another deep breath and got up. After pulling on some clothes, he stumbled to the bathroom and when he came out, he found Eddie with Max and Bill. Richie stopped and started at Bill who just smiled up at him.

“Look who's finally awake,” Max said. Eddie turned and almost dropped the stack of pancakes he was holding.

“Hey, Richie,” Eddie said. He put the plate down and they just stared at each other for a moment. “You hungry?” 

“Not really,” Richie shrugged. He sat down and crossed his arms over his stomach. Eddie made a face, but didn’t say anything.

“I got us tickets home for this evening,” Max said. “Bill and Eddie are going to take us to the airport.” Richie looked at Bill who just kept buttering his pancakes. After a minute, Richie cleared his throat.

“Hey, Max, can I borrow your phone? I need to call Grace,” Richie said. Max pulled out their phone and handed it to Richie. Richie got up and started for Eddie’s room but turned to the bathroom at the last minute.

He closed the door and took several deep breaths before unlocking Max’s phone. He found Grace’s name and hit call. She picked up on the second ring.

“Max? Have you heard from Richie? He’s not-” Grace started.

“It’s me,” Richie said, and Grace let out a sigh of relief. “I broke my phone last night.”

“Oh,” Grace said. “But you’re ok?” Richie laughed a little too hard.

When he finally got himself under control, he took a deep breath. “No, Grace, I’m not fucking ok,” he said. “I have _never_ been more _not_ ok than I am right now.” Grace hesitated.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked slowly.

“Not with you,” Richie snapped. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Sorry. I just called to tell you that Max and I are leaving tonight.”

“That’s quick,” Grace said.

“Yeah,” Richie said. “Kind of wish I was already gone.” The words slipped out without his permission and he sighed.

“What time is your flight?” Grace asked. “The kids are home today.”

“Not sure, probably late knowing Max,” Richie said. He traced his finger through a droplet of water on the counter.

“Ok,” Grace said. “Want to grab a late lunch or early dinner? If you have time?”

“Sure,” Richie said. They fell silent.

“And Richie?” Grace eventually said.

“Yeah?”

“Sorry for being a bitch,” Grace said. “Adam and I talked for a long time last night. I- I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through.” 

Richie cleared his throat. “Love you. I’ll text you when I have more details. Well, I’ll have Max text you.”

“Love you, too,” Grace said. “See you soon.” 

Richie hung up and went back out to the others. Eddie was sitting with his back to Richie, feeding small bits of bacon to Ray.

“What time is our flight?” Richie asked. Eddie jumped, banging his knee on the table making Ray take off across the room.

“We fly out at 8:35, so we should leave by 5 to make sure we don’t get stuck in traffic or security,” Max said. Richie checked the dime again. It was 12:17.

“Ok. Think we can squeeze in one last meal with Grace?” Richie asked as he picked at a placemat. Eddie winced and Richie pulled his hands back and crossed his arms over his chest.

“If that’s what you want. I think your friends want to see you, too, if you can. They would understand if you didn’t have time, though,” Max said. Looking up at Eddie, Richie licked his lips. _What I want doesn’t matter anymore,_ he thought to himself. Eddie looked down at Richie, and they stared at each other for several long moments. Both of them jumped when there was a sudden clattering of dishes as Max put some in the sink.

“Sorry,” Max said and Eddie went to his bedroom closing the door behind him. Richie covered his mouth with his hand for a moment. He sat up and glared at Bill as Max started doing the dishes.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing here?” Richie hissed.

“Max called. They needed to come back and get their stuff,” Bill explained. “It just made sense.”

“But you’re supposed to be working. How- Do- Does Eddie know about the note?” Richie asked.

“No, but I do, Richie Tozier, and I have to tell you, I’m disappointed in you,” Max said. Richie glared at them.

“Shut the fuck up, Max,” Richie snapped. “I don’t need any more judgement from you.” Max turned and studied him.

“This isn’t like you,” Max said. “You’re not a coward.” Richie started laughing again, hyper aware of the fact that he was seconds away from a full-on breakdown.

“Richie,” Bill said leaning forward and touching his shoulder. Richie’s laughs turned to sobs and he let Bill pull him close, curling an arm up around his arm and squeezing his shoulder. “Hey, hey, it’s ok,” Bill whispered. “It’s going to be ok.” He just held him until Richie stopped crying. When he sat up, his glasses were askew and covered in tears. He wiped his eyes and nose on the inside of his shirt.

“Let me see your glasses,” Eddie said. Richie jerked away awkwardly. He hadn’t even heard Eddie come back out. “Sorry, I just want to clean them. They’re-” Richie took them off and handed them over before Eddie could say they were covered in tears. After wiping them on his t-shirt, Eddie gave them back.

“I’m going to call Grace back, see if we can’t do something with her and the Losers,” Richie said. He got up and went back to the bathroom. He hit ‘call’ with a shaky hand. She answered on the fourth ring.

“Richie?” She asked when he hesitated. He cleared his throat.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he croaked out.

“What time is your flight?” She asked.

“8:30. I think. Max wants to leave around 5.”

“What do you want to eat?” Grace asked.

“I don’t care,” Richie said. “But my friends want to see me also. Mind if they come?”

“Sure, that’s fine,” Grace said. Richie took a deep breath.

“Ok, I’ll make a group text,” he said and hung up. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. They didn’t have much time. He opened the texting app and started a new group chat with everyone in it.

_Max 12:27 pm: Hey, Richie here. My flight leaves tonight at about 8:30, so I’m leaving town at 5. I know you all want to see me before I go, so pick where we go and I’ll be there._  
_Beverly 12:29 pm: Aw, sad to see you go so soon. Ben works till 7, but Sara and I can come. Do you have a ride to the airport?_  
_Bill 12:30 pm: Yeah, me and Eddie are going to take them. We could all go to my house. We still have leftover sandwich stuff from last night._  
_Grace 12:32 pm: I would feel awkward putting you out like that. What about pizza?_  
_Max 12:33 pm: I’m ok with NEVER eating pizza again for as long as I live._  
_Mike 12:35 pm: Lol. And don’t worry, Grace, I’m assuming. Bill’s house is big enough to hold everyone._  
_Grace 12:37 pm: Well, if you insist. When and what’s the address?_  
_Bill 12:40 pm: 2? I’ll message you privately._

Richie locked the phone and went back out to the front room. He knew everyone was working out the details. He yawned loudly as he gave Max back their phone.

“Still tired?” Bill asked.

“Always,” Richie said.

“Why don’t you lay back down?” Max asked. “We’ll wake you up when it’s time to go.” 

Richie glanced at the couch and the bedroom door before his eyes rested on Eddie. He was so tired.

“You can lay down in my bed if you want,” Eddie offered. Richie bit his lip. “It’s ok, really.” Richie’s eyes filled with tears again as he stood there. Eddie walked over to him and Richie flinched when Eddie touched him. “It’s ok,” Eddie said softly. 

Richie nodded a little. Eddie put his hand on Richie’s shoulder, and gently pushed him towards the door. Yawning again, Richie let Eddie push him onto the bed. He stretched out and Eddie took off his glasses before turning to leave.

“Eddie?” Richie breathed. Eddie turned and looked at him. “Can you-” He cleared his throat. “Will you ho- hold me? I- I know it’s unfair, but-” Eddie closed the door and went back to the bed.

“Scoot over a little,” Eddie whispered. Richie moved to make space for Eddie. Once settled, Eddie pulled Richie close.

“I’m sorry,” Richie whined. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Shh, love, shh,” Eddie said, rubbing his back. “Get some sleep.” Richie took a deep, shuddering breath and let it out. He closed his eyes and it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had hoped to have everything up already, but i got distracted by other projects and just a general lack of spoons sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
> 
> but! not that many chapters to go!
> 
> come visit me on [tumblr](https://benhanscomisnotstraight.tumblr.com/)!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: alcohol as a coping mechanism

He dreamt he was in the Barrens again, this time with all his friends, Stan included, although Stan was still a kid whereas everyone else was grown. They were all talking and laughing loudly, all of them happy to be together again. Even Richie couldn’t stop grinning. They were all sitting around a fire, the summer evening warm, but it was nice to have the light. Richie was sitting between Eddie and Stan. After a while, Eddie got up and started chasing Ben and Bill after they started throwing marshmallows at him. Stan scooted closer to Richie.

“How are you?” Stan asked. Richie’s face fell a little.

“I’m ok,” he lied. Stan leaned into his shoulder. They watched their friends for a few minutes. “I don’t want to leave. I want to stay.”

“Then stay,” Stan said.

Richie laughed, shaking his head, no. “This town is too small. I don’t think anyone would survive.”

Stan bit his lip. “What if you move to the town where Bev and Ben live? They’re close enough that they can pop down any time. It’ll mean you'll be far enough you won’t accidentally run into your family constantly.”

“But my job is in LA,” Richie argued.

Stan rolled his eyes. “I’m pretty sure you could work anywhere. You make enough you could keep your apartment in LA and just split your time.” Richie sighed.

“It’s so cold here.”

“All I hear is you making excuses,” Stan shrugged. “You don’t have to be this unhappy, Richie. You deserve to be happy.”

Richie sighed. After a minute, he said, “I can’t stay here.”

Eddie came over to them and threw his arm around Richie’s shoulders, smiling widely.

“It’s time to wake up, Richie,” Eddie said.

“What?” Richie asked.

“It’s time to wake up,” Eddie said again. Richie closed his eyes and when he opened them again, he was laying on top of Eddie in his bed. Richie groaned. He almost leaned up and kissed Eddie but pushed himself off and rolled on his back. Eddie sighed and sat up.

“Are you feeling better?”

Richie shrugged. “A little, I guess. You?”

Eddie shrugged back.

“Can you hand me my glasses?” Richie asked. Eddie handed them over. “Thanks.” Eddie bit his lip.

“Do you want to take a shower?” Eddie asked.

Richie sighed. He knew he must smell, he _felt_ disgusting. “Is there time?”

“If you’re quick,” Eddie nodded

“I’ll be quick,” Richie promised, rubbing his face. He got up and left quietly. He showered and came out of the bathroom, yawning as he went back to the bedroom. Richie pulled on his shoes and stumbled out to the front room. Max and Bill were playing cards while Eddie fed Ray.

“You ready to go?” Max asked.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Richie said.

“Where are your bags?” Eddie asked.

Richie licked his lips and looked at Bill.

“I took them down to my car while you two were napping,” Bill said as he gathered up the cards to put them away.

“Oh,” Eddie said, but he clearly didn’t believe him. “What about Max’s?” He looked over at Max’s bags. Richie looked at Max, who just cleared their throat.

“I didn’t want to leave my tablet in the car,” they said as they got up, stretching.

Eddie sighed. When they were all ready, they went down to their cars. Richie got into Eddie’s passenger seat like he had for the past week. Without a word, Eddie got it in the driver’s seat while Max got into Bill’s car.

“Assholes,” Richie mumbled as Eddie started the car.

“What’s that?” Eddie asked.

“Nothing,” Richie said. “Just don’t really understand why we have to take two cars.” Eddie didn’t say anything and then Richie realized what an asshole _he_ was. They were probably going to leave Bill's and head straight to the airport. They rode in silence. When they pulled up, Bev was just getting out of the car with Sara.

Richie sat there for a moment. All he could think about was how much he was going to miss this, and he wasn’t just talking about Eddie.

 _You could get a place here,_ Stan’s voice said in the back of his head. _You don’t have to be this unhappy._ Richie and Eddie sighed together. Richie looked over at Eddie.

“You ok, Eds?” Richie asked. Eddie chuffed and got out of the car, slamming the door behind him.

He walked over to Bev, greeting her loudly. Richie nodded and rubbed his face. After getting out, Richie made sure to close the door softly. Mike and Nathan pulled up as Richie reached Eddie and Bev.

“Hey, guys,” Mike said.

Eddie hugged him, and Richie waved before going into the house to find Bill prepping sandwiches.

“Jesus, this sucks,” Richie said looking out the front window at Eddie.

“I didn’t mean to make things more awkward,” Bill said. “I just-”

Richie shook his head. “No, I’m glad you told me.” He paused. “I hate what’s going on enough as it is, no reason to add.”

Bill smiled at him. “You’re going to keep in contact, right?”

“Yeah. Of course. I really missed you guys.”

“We missed you, too. It wasn’t the same without you.”

Richie sighed. “I’ve spent too much of my adult life repressing this place, but now…” He looked out at Eddie. “I don’t want to forget. Even though a lot of it hurts, I don’t want to forget any more.”

Bill smiled at him. “If you ever need anything, I’m just a phone call away.”

“Once I get my phone replaced,” Richie said, smirking a little.

“Once you get your phone replaced,” Bill agreed, laughing.

Richie went and leaned into Bill, hands in his pockets. Eventually the others came in, all of them talking and laughing loudly. Just as Bill was pulling out the knives for condiments, Grace and her family pulled up.

“I’ll go let them in,” Richie said. He stood up and went out the front door.

The kids piled out first, Rachel and Mason running for him. He bent down and held out his arms so he could catch them both in a tight hug.

“Hey, guys, how’re you doing?” Richie asked.

“Do you really have to go home?” Rachel asked. “You could stay here. I have a bunk bed.”

Richie smiled a little.

“Rachel,” Mason hissed as Grace and Bryant came up.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back for a visit soon,” Richie promised.

“You will?” Grace asked.

Richie stood up and pulled his cousin into a tight hug. “I mean, my tour is going to bring me close, so may as well,” he teased.

“So glad we mean so much to you,” Grace laughed and they pulled apart. Adam came up to them as Grace really looked at Richie. “Jesus, you look like shit.”

Richie ignored her and took Rachel and Mason’s hands, pulling them to the house. Lunch went by quickly. It was somehow easier to deal with Eddie with everyone there. The kids distracted him while Eddie hung back quietly talking to Max. When everyone was done eating, the kids started a game of hide and seek while the adults sat around talking. Eddie and Richie sat across from each other, and Riche couldn’t help staring a little. He wanted to remember how Eddie looked just as much as he wanted to forget most of this week.

At around 4:30, Grace started to round her kids up.

“Aw, mom, just five more minutes?” Rachel asked.

“Rachel,” Grace warned and Rachel huffed.

Richie pulled the little girl into a tight hug. “I love you so, so much,” Richie whispered.

“I love you, too, Richie,” Rachel whispered. After one extra tight squeeze, Richie let her go, and stood up.

Mason came over and hugged Richie. “I love you, Richie,” Mason said as Richie squeezed him back.

“I love you, too, Mason. Just remember, I’m a phone call away. And Mr. Kaspbrak and Mr. Hanlon at the library are here for you, too.”

“I know,” Mason said. Reluctantly, he let go.

When everyone had said their goodbyes, and Max promised to text Grace when they landed in California, everyone left.

“You ready?” Bill asked as Mike and Nathan left. Richie sighed and glanced quickly at Eddie.

“Yeah, we’re ready,” Max said. They all went out to get in Bill’s car, but before anyone could discuss it, Max got in the front passenger seat leaving Richie and Eddie to get in the back. They got in silently, neither of them looking at each other.

When they got to the _You Are Now Leaving Derry_ sign, Eddie leaned over and took Richie’s hand. Richie glanced at him, unsurprised to see tears in the other man’s eyes. Richie squeezed Eddie’s hand and looked away before his own tears came, but neither of them let go.

At the airport, Bill parked in short term parking and they all got out and walked into the airport. People walked all around them, and Richie felt his shoulders tense up. Max and Richie went to check their luggage while Eddie and Bill stood awkwardly nearby. Once Richie and Max were done, they went back to Bill and Eddie. Max pulled Eddie into a tight hug and whispered something in his ear as Bill pulled Richie close.

“You going to be ok?” Bill asked.

“Depends,” Richie said.

“On?”

“On how much Max lets me drink once we get past security,” Richie said, laughing.

Bill rolled his eyes, smiling softly. “You are such a walking disaster,” Bill teased, and Richie just shrugged.

“Thank you,” Richie said. “For everything.” He paused. “It’s hard to believe I’ve spent the last 10 years without all of you.”

“We missed you, too,” Bill said. “Don’t be a stranger.” He squeezed Richie’s shoulder.

Richie smiled and turned to Eddie. They stared at each other for a moment and then Richie pulled Eddie into a bone crushing hug which Eddie returned just as hard.

“I am going to miss you so much,” Eddie breathed.

Richie licked his lips. They pulled apart slightly and Richie pushed his forehead into Eddie’s. “I am so sorry,” he whispered, eyes closed.

“I’m not,” Eddie replied. Richie’s eyes shot open and he pulled back so he could study Eddie’s face.

“You’re not?”

Eddie shook his head, no. “This week has been as good as it has been bad, and I honestly wouldn’t have done anything different.”

Richie blinked and leaned forward, kissing Eddie roughly. This kiss was like their first, but sadder, both of them crying. Richie pulled away brusquely and walked towards security without looking back, tears streaming down his cheeks. Max had to run to catch up with him.

There were several people in line, most of them were trying to not stare at the 6’1” crying man, but one of them recognized him and began whispering to his friend. When the line snaked around and they got closer, the one who recognized him pushed past a few people and came closer to them. Max had seen him and stepped in front of Richie before he could get too close.

“Hey, I’m sorry to bother-” He started, but Max glared at him.

“Get back in your spot before I tell security you’re harassing us,” Max growled. The man paled.

“I just wanted an autograph,” he grumbled as he went back to his friend grumbling darkly.

Richie rested his head on Max’s shoulder, sighing. Max took his hand and squeezed.

“People fucking suck,” Max said loudly as they glared at the fan. Richie nodded and just focused on his breathing. He pulled himself together just as they got to the x-rays. They got through without incident and as soon as he got on his shoes on the other side, Richie rushed to the first restaurant he could find that had a bar, Max calling for him to stop. They pushed their way past everyone to get to the bar.

“What can I get you?” The woman asked and then her face lit up with recognition. “Say, aren’t you-”

“I will tip you $100 if you don’t finish that sentence,” Richie said. The woman closed her mouth. “Thanks. Can I have two double shots of rum?”

“You got it,” the woman said. She poured and handed him the drinks. The alcohol burned all the way down, the warmth spreading through his body. “Another?”

“Please,” he said. She poured another.

“Richie,” Max said.

Richie downed the shot, slamming the glass onto the bar. “You want something?” Richie asked. He turned back to the bartender. “Hey, can I have two more? One for me, and one for my friend?” He clapped his hand on Max’s back. He could feel the pain and stress begin to dull. He knew he would be able to get through this if he just kept drinking.

“Richie,” Max chided. “We still have to get to our gate.”

“We have time,” Richie said. The bartender poured the shots and Richie pulled out his wallet. He handed over his card before pulling out the promised $100 tip. They traded cash for card, and Richie put his wallet in his bag. He downed his shot and took a deep breath. He felt all tingly. “Come on. Drink your shot and we can go.” He paused. “Unless-”

Max took the shot so fast. They coughed and their eyes watered.

“Fuck,” Max said. They put the glass down and grabbed Richie’s hand. “Alright, come on.”

They drug Richie down the terminal. Richie felt all wobbly as they got on one of those moving sidewalks. Max tried to make him walk, but Richie just stood, shaking his head.

“The world’s gone goofy,” he explained and Max sighed in frustration. When they got to the end of the sidewalk, Richie stumbled and fell laughing. Max tried to catch him but just missed. Richie’s bag went flying.

“Jesus, Richie. You ok?” Max asked. Richie grinned as he stood up. His knee and hand burned from sliding on the rug, but he didn’t care.

“Fine, fine, I’m fine,” he said a little too loudly. Some people turned to look at them.

“Richie! I swear to gawd, if you get us kicked off this flight, I will quit and leave you to get home on your own,” Max warned.

“No you won’t.” Richie grinned at them. “You love me too much.”

“Just come on,” Max sighed and grabbed Richie’s bag. They started walking down the terminal again. Max avoided the moving sidewalks and didn’t stop until they got to their gate. “Sit here,” Max said, shoving Richie into some seats. “I’m going to get you a cheeseburger-”

“I want a chicken sandwich,” Richie said.

“Ok, a chicken sandwich,” Max said. “Stay here. Watch the bags.”

Richie nodded and looked around, sighing. He could see another restaurant that sold alcohol. He bit his lip and bounced his knee. The part of his brain that knew getting another drink was a bad idea, and that knew puking on a plane would probably be one of the worst things ever was far away, and all he could think about was how to ditch Max and get a beer.

Max came back a few minutes later with some Burger King bags. Richie took his and looked down at the original chicken sandwich.

“If I eat this, can I get a beer?” Richie asked, pulling out his sandwich.

Max glared at him as they pulled out their cheeseburger. “No, Richie! You may not!” Max snapped and Richie frowned. “Look, you eat that, and drink some water, then you can have a drink on the plane, ok?”

Richie considered this for a moment. “Ok.” He took a bite of his sandwich. When they were done, Max threw their stuff away. They sat next to Richie and put their head on Richie’s shoulder.

“You doing ok?” Max asked. Richie sighed and rested his head on Max’s.

“You know I’m going to drink until I pass out tonight, don’t you?” Richie asked.

“Yeah,” Max said. “And if you behave yourself on the plane, I’ll buy you a big bottle of Kraken on the way home. Also, I’m staying over.” Richie smiled.

“Ok,” Richie said and kissed the top of Max’s head. Richie wondered what Eddie was doing and sighed. _He’s probably crying in Bill’s car on the way back to Derry, wondering why he wasn’t enough,_ he thought to himself, and Richie cringed. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“How much more time?” Richie asked. Max checked their phone.

“Boarding should start any minute,” Max said. Richie nodded.

“Ok,” he said. He closed his eyes and thought about how he was going to wake up the next morning and Eddie _wasn’t_ going to be there. His breath caught in his throat. Max took his hand and squeezed.

“Just a few more hours,” Max said.

“You’re staying over?” Richie asked, his throat tight.

“I already said I would,” Max said.

“Southwest Flight 772 to Los Angeles will begin boarding in a few minutes,” a voice called over the speaker.

“Come on, let’s get up,” Max said. They stood up and Max handed over Richie’s ticket. “I used your points to fly first class, don’t be mad.” Richie smiled a little.

“That’s fine,” he said honestly. “Just you and me in a row, more room to stretch out.” Richie honestly wouldn’t have cared if he’d had to ride in an overhead compartment if it got him away from Maine. They stared over at the podium, waiting for the announcement.

“Hello, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience. At this time we would like our passengers from Flight 722 who may need a little more time getting down the ramp to come up, we’re ready to start boarding.” An older couple and a couple with a small child in a stroller came up. They disappeared down the tube and Richie sighed. After another few minutes, the flight attendant called, “At this time we would like to welcome our first class passengers to begin boarding. Again, I would like to invite our first class passengers to begin boarding.” Richie followed Max.

The flight attendant at the gate smiled at everyone politely, but positively beamed when he saw Richie. Richie cleared his throat as he held out his ticket.

“Mr. Tozier, welcome aboard,” the man said as he scanned Richie’s ticket. Max stood waiting for Richie, hand held out for him to take.

“Thanks,” Richie said. He took Max’s hand and they walked to the plane and found their seats. Richie took the window seat. After handing Richie a tablet and some headphones, Max put their bags up in the overhead compartment, and sat down. They pulled out their phone and popped one of their Airpods. “Why?” Richie asked, holding up the tablet.

“Do you want to have nothing to do but think and stare off into space for the next six hours?” Max asked.

Richie shrugged. “Point,” he said. He unlocked the tablet.

“I downloaded a bunch of Disney movies and your favorite episodes of _Parks and Rec_ and _Broad City_.”

“Thanks,” Richie said. He put on _Beauty and the Beast,_ glancing back and forth between that and the other passengers as they got on. Richie took a deep breath and pulled out one of the headphones.

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” Richie asked Max. Max looked over at him. “I mean, in going back to LA.”

“Richie,” Max said softly. “It doesn’t matter what I think is right. What matters is what _you_ think is right.”

Richie stared down at the tablet. He closed his eyes and leaned sideways in his seat, back to the aisle, waiting for everyone to board. It was taking all of his self control to not run off the plane and back to Eddie. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Eddie would be waking up without him. It had only been a few weeks, but it had felt like a lifetime.

And then he saw Elliot’s fucked up face, and the anger that _always_ rolled off his dad any time they were in the same room together.

Richie sighed as the last of the passengers found their seats.

“It’s going to be ok,” Max said rubbing Richie’s back.

Richie rolled back towards Max and took Max’s hand. “Just remember, you promised a drink on the plane, and Kraken in LA, and you’re staying the night.”

Max nodded.“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Richie said.

A few minutes later, the flight attendants began prepping the cabin for take off. Richie put the tablet in the pocket in front of him and buckled his seatbelt. He stared out the window through the safety talk and take off. Max held his hand until the pilot announced they could use their electronics, and then Max pulled out their phone. Richie eventually leaned forward and grabbed the tablet. He put _Beauty and the Beast_ back on and leaned back in his seat.

They didn’t have to wait long for the drinks to get served. The flight attendant who had recognized Richie came over to them.

“Hello,” the man said. Richie gave him a half smile. “What can I get you folks today?”

He was so tall and broad and blonde, everything that was the opposite of Eddie. Richie wondered what it would be like to get a blow job on a plane. Richie cleared his throat, blushing when he realized Max had already ordered and they were waiting for Richie to order.

“Can I just have a vodka and some cranberry juice?” Richie asked. He unbuckled his seatbelt so he could get his wallet. His heart dropped when he found it wasn’t there.

“It’s in your bag,” Max reminded him.

“Oh,” Richie said. He glanced at the flight attendant. “My bag is up there.” he pointed to the overhead compartment.

“Let me get that for you,” the attendant said. He opened the door. “Which one?”

“The black one,” Richie said.

The man handed over the bag, and Richie opened the front pocket. He pulled out his wallet and dropped it on Max’s lap as he zipped the bag back up and handed it back to the attendant. The attendant put it away as Richie flopped back in his seat. He handed over his card and waited for his drink.

The flight went by slowly. After Richie finished his drink, he got sad again, and leaned into Max’s shoulder, crying softly. Max held his hand and leaned into him.

“It’s going to be ok,” Max whispered over and over. The flight attendant came to check on them and frowned when he saw Richie.

“Are you ok?” The man asked. Richie closed his eyes.

“He’s fine,” Max said. “Could we get some water?” The man nodded. He left and came back quickly.

“Is there anything I can do?” The man asked as he handed over a water bottle. Max opened it and handed it to Richie. He sat up and took a sip.

“No, we’re fine,” Max said looking at Richie.

“Well, my name is Peter, just let me know if there’s anything I can do,” Peter said.

“We will,” Max said and Peter left them. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s fine,” Max said. “You always get a little weepy when you’re drunk.”

Richie smiled a little. “I’m so _fucking_ tired of crying,” he said.

“I know,” Max said. They fell silent again. Max dozed for a bit and then Peter came back through with some more water.

“Feeling better?” Peter asked Richie.

“A little,” Richie said, trading him bottles. Richie took a deep breath. “Just going through some stuff.”

“Guy stuff?” Peter asked, and Richie’s throat tightened.

“Something like that,” he said.

“Tell me about it when I get back,” Peter said and left to help another passenger.

Richie rolled his eyes. There was no way he was going to tell a fan about Eddie. But when Peter came back, he had another little bottle of vodka, and Max had left to stretch their legs and use the bathroom, so Peter sat next to Richie. They talked for several minutes, and before Richie could stop himself, he’d told Peter almost everything. Richie was crying again when Max came back, arms crossed over their chest. Peter looked up when Max loudly cleared their throat.

“Sorry,” he said and got up. “I just-”

“Leave him alone,” Max growled.

“He’s fine,” Richie said and Max ignored him as he sat. Peter hesitated but eventually walked away.

“What a dick,” Max said and Richie looked up.

“No, he’s nice,” Richie said.

“Richie, he knows you’re drunk and took advantage-” Max started.

Richie shook his head, no. Max huffed and put their headphones in, leaving Richie to stare off into space. He was having trouble focusing on anything really, he was so tired. Max kept glancing at him like he was waiting for him to puke or pass out. Eventually Richie had to pee. Max didn’t want to let him go alone, but Richie insisted.

“I’m an adult, I can make my own decisions,” Richie said and Max studied him.

“Whatever, it’s your headline,” Max said and Richie glared at them.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Richie asked as Max got up and let Richie pass. Richie shook his head and walked to the lavatory. The bathroom was so tiny, he couldn’t help but wonder _how_ people had sex in there. When he was done, he opened the door to find Peter waiting for him in the little area where the flight attendants kept the drinks and snacks.

“Hey, Richie, I just wanted to say I was sorry,” Peter said. “I’m not- I’m not going to do anything. I wasn’t trying to be nosy, I just-”

“It’s fine,” Richie said. Peter studied him.

“I’m an empath and-” Peter started and stopped when he saw something behind Richie, all color leaving his face. Richie turned and saw Max coming down the aisle towards them. They were scowling hard enough to make Richie cringe.

“I told you to leave him alone!” Max yelled, the other passengers turning to look at them. Peter grimaced.

“It’s fine,” Richie said as Max pushed their way in between Richie and Peter.

“I’m serious, if you don’t leave him alone, you _will_ regret it,” Max said and one of the other flight attendants came over.

“Is everything ok?” She asked. Max looked at Peter who was looking at his feet.

“Everything’s-” Richie started and Max elbowed him. Peter looked up at Max and nodded.

“Everything is fine,” Max said. “We could use some more water.” The second flight attendant grabbed them a few bottles and Max took them. They walked back to their seats and Richie sat down.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Richie said as he took the bottle Max offered.

“Richie, you’re drunk. And you’re sad. You’re not thinking clearly,” Max said. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up,” Richie said.

Max sighed. “Richie, that’s not what I said.”

“But it’s what you’re thinking.”

Max leaned into Richie. “I just want to take care of you, Richie. You’re my friend.”

Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know, I know,” he said. He fell into a light sleep and didn’t wake up until the captain announced they would be starting their descent. Richie handed over his cup as a different flight attendant came and took their trash.

 _Eddie, what the fuck am I going to do without you?_ Richie thought to himself for what felt like the thousandth time.

 _You can always go back,_ Stan’s voice said. Richie shivered and Max looked over at him.

“You ok?” Max asked as Richie took their hand. Richie’s eyes filled with tears and Max rested their head on Richie’s shoulder. “It’s going to be ok,” they said as the plane touched down.

Richie was starting to sober up, and he didn’t like it. He wanted the warm feeling to come back, he hated this fucked up thing that was going on inside his chest. He didn’t think it would _ever_ go away.

“We’re still drinking tonight, right?” Richie asked as they began taxying

“Yeah, I guess,” Max said, rubbing their face. They pulled out their phone and turned it on. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. As they got off the plane, Peter didn’t even acknowledge them.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: alcohol as a coping mechanism

They stopped at the bathroom so they could use the toilet before heading down to the luggage claim. To his relief, this time Richie’s bag was there. Once they got their bags, they went to the parking lot to find Max’s car in long term parking.

“Are you ok to drive?” Richie asked and Max laughed.

“I had a drink over six hours ago-”

“You’re not too tired is what I’m asking, asshole,” Richie laughed. They put their bags in the trunk.

“I slept on the plane some,” Max said. “I should be good.” Richie nodded and got in the passenger seat. Richie rolled the window down letting the warmer-than-Maine air in as Max pulled out of the parking spot.

As promised, they stopped and Max bought Richie a large bottle of Richie’s favorite spiced rum and a couple liters of Dr. Pepper. When they got to Richie’s, Richie was a little surprised at how clean it was and then remembered he had a cleaning service come in once a week, and without him there to immediately mess everything up, it had managed to stay clean. Richie tossed his bags on the kitchen floor and pulled out two cups. He filled them both with ice from the ice maker on the fridge.

“How much do you want?” Richie asked Max as he twisted open the rum. Max yawned and looked over at him. They shrugged, so Richie poured a generous amount in each before adding the soda.

“Thanks,” Max said, taking a cup. Richie and Max clinked glasses and both of them took long drinks.

“I’m going to take a shower. I feel absolutely disgusting,” Richie announced. “You going to be ok?” 

Max nodded and went to the couch. Richie went to his bag and pulled out his _No One Knows I’m Gay_ t-shirt and his sweats. He also found Eddie’s hoodie. Richie held it in his hands for a moment before shoving it under his arm. He got up and went back to the front room.

“Hey, did you text everyone we made it safe?” Richie asked.

“Yup, did it while we were taxying,” Max said as they turned on the TV. Richie hesitated. Max looked over at him. “You ok?” 

“I’ll tell you after my shower,” Richie shrugged and left them. He went to the bathroom and took a quick, scalding hot shower. When he got out, Max was in the kitchen making another drink.

“You hungry?” They asked. 

Richie downed the rest of his drink and handed over his glass so it could get topped off. Max poured him a drink with considerably less rum than Richie wanted. After taking the cup, he took a long swallow and added more rum. 

“I was thinking about Postmating some Chipotle,” Max said. 

“I’m not really hungry.” Richie shrugged. Max studied him for a moment.

“I’ll get you some anyway, just in case. If nothing else, you’ll have food for tomorrow.” 

Richie shrugged again and went to the couch. He looked up at the TV. Max was watching _Little Miss Sunshine_ , a favorite of both of theirs. Max came over a minute later. They glanced at Richie, frowning, but said nothing as they sat on the couch at Richie’s feet. Richie flipped around so his head was in Max’s lap. Max sighed and began to run their fingers through Richie’s hair as they watched Frank and Dwayne talking before they went to sleep.

“Hey, Max,” Richie said after a while.

“Hmm?”

“Why- Do you think-” He stopped.

“What is it?” Max asked. 

Richie bit his lip and sat up. He took another long drink. “Why do you think Eddie wouldn’t come? What is it- what is it about Derry that keeps him there? Or is there something wrong with me?” 

Max studied him for a moment, hesitating. “Richie, I don’t think-” Max started, and then the doorbell rang. “Hold that thought.” 

Max got up a little unsteadily and went to the front door. They came back a few minutes later with a couple of bags. Richie looked up at them as they set the bags on the coffee table. Max pulled out a couple of bowls and picked the one he’d gotten for himself. After opening it and stirring it with a fork, they looked over at Richie again.

“Look, I don’t know Eddie like you do, I don’t even really know what happened last night, but I do know that he cares for you a lot,” Max said slowly. “Whatever reason he had for staying wasn’t because you weren’t enough.” 

A slow tear trailed down Richie’s cheek and he brushed it away. Max studied him for a few more minutes. 

“Here,” Max prompted, “Why don’t you try and eat something, it may help.” 

Richie couldn’t ever remember being less hungry. “No, thank you,” he whispered and laid back down on the couch. 

Max watched him out of the corner of their eye, but Richie just drank steadily and stared at the TV screen as he tried to not think about Eddie waking up alone. He hoped Eddie stayed with Bill that night, so the next morning would be a little less rough. He kept seeing the look on Eddie’s face when he said he didn’t regret their time together. It was so pained, so vulnerable, so-

Max snorted in his sleep, and Richie jumped. He sighed as he looked over at his friend and down at his now empty drink. He got up, made himself a new drink, and went to his room to get his computer. He went back to the couch, not wanting to be alone. After opening the computer, Richie opened Google and typed in _Richie Tozier_ , and started reading all the tabloid speculation about him and Eddie. Richie couldn’t stop staring at the pictures, couldn’t stop thinking about how _gently_ Eddie was holding his face. His chest tightened and a tear plopped onto the keyboard.

“I’m such a fucking asshole,” he whispered. He couldn’t believe he’d left Eddie, that he was probably never going to see him again, and if he did, Eddie would have moved on. He’d have a beautiful partner who wasn’t a complete and total fuck wit.

“Richie?” Max said from the other end of the couch. Richie slammed the laptop shut, guilt washing over him. “What’re you looking at?” 

Richie cleared his throat. “Nothing,” Richie said, putting the computer on the coffee table. 

“C’mere,” Max said, reaching out to Richie. 

Richie took their hand and stretched out on top of Max. Richie took off his glasses and tossed them on the coffee table before resting his head on Max’s chest, listening to the steady beat of their heart. Max kissed Richie’s head. 

“It’s going to be ok, you’re going to be ok.”

Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t think things will _ever_ be ok.”

“I love you, Richie,” Max said, rubbing Richie’s back. “Let’s go to sleep.”

“I love you, too,” Richie said. Max squeezed Richie, holding him tight for several moments.

“You’re ok,” Max insisted. 

Richie closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Max. He let out a shuddering breath and cried softly into Max’s chest until he fell asleep.

The next morning he woke up crying again.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: none

The next week was utter hell. All Richie wanted to do was lay in bed, but Max kept coming over and making him do things. The first day they went to Best Buy and they made Richie get a new phone. Both Max and the employee were annoyed with him because he wouldn’t even choose between an iPhone and a Samsung phone. He left with an iPhone 11, his contacts all magically transferred over thanks to the power of Google. The next day, Max made him go grocery shopping. The day after that they went shopping for a suit for him to wear on Jimmy’s show. Richie hated every minute of it, barely responding to Max unless it was a direct question.

When he was alone, all he did was stare at the pictures of him and Eddie or randomly looked at homes and lots for sale just outside of Derry. He didn’t know why he did this, but he couldn’t help himself. He dreamt of Stan a lot. They had back and forth arguments about moving back to Maine. Richie just couldn’t see how it would work, how he’d be able to afford it.

When the day of the interview came, Max showed up bright and early at the crack of one in the afternoon. They came into Richie’s bedroom with a large cold brew and five cake pops. Richie slammed his computer shut as soon as he realized he was not alone. Max sighed.

“You still obsessing over those pictures?” Max asked, sitting on Richie’s bed. Richie sat up and held his hand out for the coffee. Max pulled it back. “Shower first.”

“Ugh, you are cruel,” Richie said. 

He got up, not caring that he was naked. He and Max had seen each other naked so many times, neither of them gave any fucks. He grabbed some clothes and went and took a quick shower. He came out wearing a t-shirt and some basketball shorts. Max handed over the coffee and two of the cake pops.

“Why are you here so early?” Richie asked. He took a sip of his coffee. 

Max looked up at him and shrugged. “Have big plans? Besides, the interview is at 4. I’m not early at all to make sure you shower and eat.” They were looking at something on Richie’s computer, and Richie yelped a little, trying to tug the machine away, but Max was faster. They pulled the computer out of Richie’s reach.

“Why are you looking at houses in Maine?” Max asked. Richie put his coffee down and tugged the computer away.

“Stop looking through my stuff,” Richie said, blushing. He put his laptop on his desk.

“I thought you hated Maine,” Max said, their voice completely neutral.

“Why can’t you ever leave things alone?” Richie asked and went to his front room where he flopped on the couch. After a few minutes, Max came out.

“I’m not going to push it, I’m just going to remind you that I’m your friend and you can talk to me,” Max said as they sat next to Richie on the couch. 

Sighing, Richie leaned his head on Max’s shoulder. “It’s just, I didn’t remember how much I missed my friends until I went back.”. 

Max nodded, taking his hand and squeezing. “They were all very nice. Very supportive.”

“Even if I- Even-” He paused. “There’s no way I could make it work no matter what Stan says.” Richie cringed. He knew how crazy he sounded.

“Stan?” Max asked twisting to look at Richie. “Isn’t he-”

“Yes,” Richie snapped. “I’ve- I’ve been dreaming about him a lot though.” 

Max put his head back down on Richie’s. “Have you talked to Eddie since you’ve been back?” Max asked. 

Richie flinched at the name. He shook his head, no. “He sent me a message a few days ago, but I deleted it without reading it,” he said. He took a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can _just be friends_ with him.” He rubbed his face, shoving his glasses up his forehead. “Why, have you?” He looked up at Max.

“A little,” Max admitted. “He just wanted to make sure you were doing ok.”

“What did you tell him?” Richie asked. Max cleared their throat.

“The truth,” Max said and Richie groaned. “It didn’t seem fair to lie. He’s not doing well either.” Richie’s heart tightened. A moment later Max said, “We should get going soon. You need to eat and you have no real food in your house.”

Richie opened his mouth to argue, but Max cut him off. “Twinkies and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are _not_ good enough.” Richie sighed.

“Can we get Taco Bell, then?” Richie asked.

“Of course,” Max said. “I’ll get your suit.” 

Max left Richie alone on the couch. He stared at his phone, wishing he could just call Eddie, hear his voice again, but instead he just stared at the contact name. Max came back a few moments later and Richie jumped when they spoke. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” Richie said. On the way to the studio, they stopped at Taco Bell and ate in the parking lot.

“You nervous?” Max asked through a mouthful of burrito. 

“Of course I’m nervous,” Richie huffed. “Jimmy’s going to ask about- about those pictures.”

“What are you going to say?” Max asked. 

Richie shrugged and brushed some hair out of his eyes. “I honestly have no fucking clue. And besides, that’s going to open up a whole other can of worms.” 

Max nodded. “Just remember, the worst thing that happens is you cry on air, it goes viral, and then you become a popular GIF.”. 

Richie rolled his eyes and smiled a little. “Shut the fuck up,” Richie said flipping off his friend. “Are you done? We should get going.” 

Max shoved the last of their burrito in their mouth before wadding up the wrapper. Richie collected all the trash and threw it away in an outside garbage can. When he got back in, Max started the car. The radio came alive and a twangy song came on that Richie half recognized.

When Max went to change the music from the radio to their phone, Richie stopped them. “I want to listen to this,” Richie mumbled and Max shrugged. They drove off down the road and Richie sighed.

" _Ah, home, let me come home, Home is wherever I am with you,_ ” the radio sang. Richie bit his lip and stared down at his phone letting the words flow over him. He wasn’t sure where he knew the song from, it wasn’t his normal type of music. “ _Ah, home, yes I am home/ Home is when I’m alone with you._ ” The song ended, and all he could see was Eddie’s face, feel Eddie’s body, hear his breathing. He jumped a little when Max shoved their phone at him.

“Put something on,” Max said.

“Anything specific?” Richie asked. 

Max shook their head. “Dealer’s choice.” 

Richie put on _Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now_ by Starship. It always cheered him up. He thought he’d first heard it in some movie, but he couldn’t quite remember. Max smiled over at him.

Eventually they got to the studio and fans outside the studio began screaming when they recognized Richie.

“Looks like they’re happy to see you,” Max teased as Richie just stared at the dashboard, thankful for security keeping the fans back. They parked and immediately one of the studio workers came out to meet them.

“You’re late,” the woman said as she grabbed Richie’s arm. “Jesus, what happened to your face?” The swelling had gone down, and most of the bruising had faded, but there were still green and yellow tinges.

“I got in a fight with my cousin,” Richie said, but the woman wasn’t listening.

“Come on, we have to get you into makeup,” she said. Richie turned to look at Max who handed him his suit.

“Good luck!” Max called as Richie rounded the corner with the woman. He wanted them to come with him, but Max always insisted on sitting with the audience, Richie didn’t know why. The woman shoved him into a dressing room.

“Hurry up and get dressed. We don’t have much time and we have to get you in makeup to do something…” She indicated to his face. 

Richie smirked. “You can’t fix ugly,” he said, laughing, but the woman was already gone. Richie turned to look around the room and found his agent, Miranda, sitting on a couch and talking on the phone. Richie smiled down at her.

“Hey, Scott, I’m going to have to call you back,” Miranda said. “Richie just walked in.” She hung up and pulled Richie into a tight hug. “How are you doing, honey?”

“I’m fine,” Richie said. He would have hugged her back, but she had both his arms pinned to his sides.

“If you need anything, anything at all, just let me know,” Miranda said. “Now get dressed.” She sat down and began typing something on her phone. Richie sighed and turned away from her as he stripped down to his boxers and pulled on his suit.

_Anything at all? Puh,_ Richie thought to himself. He shook his head, trying to shake the resentment from his mind. Once dressed, he turned to face her.

“Can you help me with my tie?” Richie asked.

“Of course,” Miranda said, putting down her phone. She got up and went to him to help him with his tie. “Are you nervous?”

“Always,” Richie said truthfully. 

Miranda smiled at him, not unsympathetically. “You’re going to do great, Richie. You always do,” she said as someone knocked on the door.

“Are you ready?” The woman who’d dragged him in called. “We still need to get you into make up.” 

Richie sighed and went to the door. The woman didn’t wait, just began walking with the expectation that he would follow her. When they got to the makeup room, she roughly shoved him into a chair. Two other people came forward, one of them taking his glasses as the other put some sort of paper into his collar. They worked quickly and efficiently. When they were done he looked like his normal self. One of them handed him back his glasses while the other pulled the paper away. Richie looked at himself. He reached up to touch his cheek and one of the make up artists tapped his hand.

“Don’t even think about it,” she said, and Richie put his hand down. “Wait here.” They left him and he looked down at his phone. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

_I can do this,_ he thought to himself. A few minutes later, a very timid looking man who reminded him a lot of Stan came to get him.

“Please follow me, Mr. Tozier,” he said and Richie smirked a little.

“Please, call me ‘Richie.’”

“Ok, Mr. Tuh- Mister- shit,” The man blushed and Richie squeezed the man’s shoulder.

“You’re ok, man,” Richie said. “Lead the way.” 

The man groaned and nodded. He turned and they walked down the hall. Richie wished he could say something to help ease the kid’s tension, but his own nerves were making it hard to talk.

“Wait here,” the kid said when they got to the stage entrance. 

Richie wanted to tell him he knew, that he’d been on the show before, but the kid was gone before Richie could say anything. Richie wanted to tug his collar, but he could already hear a million voices telling him to not even fucking try it. He cleared his throat and waited.

When the door finally came up, he smiled and waved at the audience as Jimmy came over to him, smiling widely. They hugged tighter than Richie was expecting, and Richie realized Jimmy knew about his ma. They walked towards the seats, Jimming gesturing for Richie to have a seat as he sat behind the desk.

“Hey, Richie, how’s it going?” Jimmy asked.

“Honestly? Not great,” Richie said, laughing and smiling nervously. Jimmy nodded.

“Yeah, yeah, I heard about your mom. I’m so sorry for your loss,” Jimmy said. Richie nodded, a smile plastered across his face. They paused for a moment, and Richie wondered what Jimmy might have said if they weren’t filming. “I understand you went back to your home town. How was that?” 

Richie smiled wider and licked his lips. “It was really freaking weird,” he admitted. “I’m from a town so small that my Uber driver that picked me up from the airport was one of my childhood best friends.” Richie almost said Eddie’s name but stopped at the last second. He wasn’t ready to talk about _that_ just yet.

“Oh, wow, that’s amazing,” Jimmy said. “Is- Your hometown is called Derry, right?” Richie nodded. “Is Derry one of those towns that is hard to escape from?” Richie scratched his chin, laughing. Behind the camera, he could see someone mouthing, _down, put your hand down,_ as she pulled her hand down. Richie put his hands into his lap.

“Yes and no,” Richie said. “It’s- it’s weird. Does anyone ever _really_ escape their hometown?” He laughed. “Like several of my friends got out and then went back. A couple are really successful even.” He shook his head.

“Successful like we might know their names?” Jimmy prompted. Richie laughed.

“Uh, probably the most famous is Bill Denbrough. He wrote-”

“No fucking way!” Jimmy interrupted. “There’s no- Bill Denbrough? Are you kidding me?” The audience laughed and Richie smirked.

“Yeah, he was one of my best friends growing up,” Richie said, laughing. Jimmy looked back towards the audience.

“For those of you who don’t know, Bill Denbrough is one of my favorite horror authors. My favorite is probably _The Black Rapids_. It’s this story about a group of friends who have to kill this monster that’s killing children,” Jimmy said. “I can’t believe you- Wow, man. That is incredible!” Jimmy laughed.

“I’m sure he’ll be excited to hear you’re a fan,” Richard said. And then because he couldn’t help himself, “What do you think of the ending?” Jimmy laughed.

“Uh,” he hesitated. “How to say this politely…”

“You can say it sucks,” Richie said and Jimmy laughed.

“You said it, not me!” Jimmy said over the peals of laughter from both Richie and the audience.

“It’s ok,” Richie said, laughing. “He’s well aware of what people think of the ending.” Jimmy shook his head.

“Ok, so you know Bill Denbrough, who else?” Jimmy asked.

“Well, we also grew up with Beverly Marsh, she’s a big clothing designer,” Richie said.

“Beverly Marsh as in B. Marsh Apparel? My wife loves her clothes!” Jimmy said, laughing. “Who next? Are you going to try and tell us you grew up with freaking Chris Pratt?” Richie laughed.

“Yes, I grew up with Chris-” Jimmy’s mouth fell open and Richie shook his head, laughing. “No, no, I mean I did grow up with a guy who started out all pudgy like Chris in _Parks and Rec_ and is as hot as Chris in _Guardians of the Galaxy._ ” Jimmy laughed. “The other famous person I grew up with is Ben Hanscom.” Someone in the audience whooped. “Ben’s parents? Are you here?” Richie called out, pretending to look for them. Everyone laughed. “Kidding, kidding. Ben’s a famous architect, so I’m assuming whoever yelled was a fellow architect.” Jimmy laughed, shaking his head. “Unfortunately, I’m a bad friend and have no idea what he’s designed, I just know he’s doing really well.”

“What about your other friends?” Jimmy asked, and Richie knew what he was fishing for. Richie took a deep breath.

“The other three aren’t famous, just normal guys living normal lives,” Richie said.

“One of them has been in the news pretty recently though, right?” Jimmy said, and Richie’s face fell for a moment and then he smiled again. Richie cleared his throat.

“Uh, yeah, that would be my Uber driver friend, Eddie Kaspbrak,” Richie said. He scratched his face ignoring the woman glaring at him from beside the camera. “Eddie’s- Eddie’s a great guy.”

“Things look like-” Jimmy started.

“Yeah, look, some stuff happened between us, but aren’t you curious how the media got the pictures?” Richie asked, trying to deflect for a moment and Jimmy went with it.

“You know who leaked them?” Jimmy asked.

“Leaked them?” Richie asked, laughing again. “Those photos were taken so they could be sold to the tabloids. I don’t know exactly which one of my cousins sold them, but I do know it was one of them.”

“Your cousin?” Jimmy asked. “Why would one of your cousins do that? It’s such a crappy thing to do.”

“Let me set the picture for you,” Richie said, crossing a leg over his knee and leaning back in his chair. “I’m an only child, but my parents had lots of siblings. Both of them were born and raised in Derry, and most of their family stayed close. I don’t know if it’s a small town thing or a Catholic thing, but somehow everyone but me stuck around.” He paused. “My whole family is really Catholic, I mean _no meat, fish included, on Fridays during Lent_ Catholic.” Everyone laughed. “So, with my family being as Catholic as they are, and me being gay-”

“Wait,” Jimmy said. “ _You’re gay_?” Richie and the others laughed.

“Shocking, I know,” Richie said.

“Sorry, sorry, please, continue,” Jimmy said, laughing.

“Anyway, a lot of my family, you know, believes being gay is a sin and all gay people are going to hell.” Then looking directly into one of the cameras, he said, “It’s not true, by the way. There is _nothing_ wrong with being gay, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.” A lot of people clapped and cheered. Richie smiled up at them and looked back at Jimmy.

“So I have this one cousin who is so _extra_ with his homophobia, and while I couldn’t give a crap about what he says to me, I found out he was harassing one of my little cousins, so I beat the crap out of him.”

“You beat the crap out of someone?” Jimmy asked. “You don’t seem like the kind of person who could do that.” Richie laughed.

“I was just as surprised as you,” Richie said and everyone laughed. “I pissed off _a lot_ of the family. I’m sure this was what they thought would be revenge, but me and Eds couldn’t have cared less.”

“You and _Eds_ , huh?” Jimmy asked. Richie tried to smile.

“Me and Eds,” Richie repeated.

“So, is this something? Should we be expecting to see-”

“No,” Richie cut him off sharply. “Sorry, no. Eddie’s staying in Derry and I’m- I’m here in LA.”

_But you don’t have to be,_ Stan’s voice said. Richie sighed. There was no way around the 3000 miles between them. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

_There’s no way,_ Richie thought to himself.

_He just wanted to make sure you were doing ok,_ Max’s voice said.

_Does Eddie know you’re gone?_ Bill’s voice asked. _Richie, I could fucking punch you._

_This week has been as good as it has been bad, and I honestly wouldn’t have done anything differently,_ Eddie’s voice said.

_You don’t have to be this unhappy,_ Stan said.

“Home is wherever I am with you,” Richie said under his breath.

“Sorry, didn’t catch that last part,” Jimmy said. 

Richie sucked in a deep breath and stood up without even knowing what he was doing. “I’m sorry,” Richie said, blinking down at Jimmy. “I have to go.”

“What?” Jimmy asked, laughing. “We have another three minutes.” 

“I’m sorry, Jimmy,” Richie shook his head no. “I need to go home.”

“Home?” Jimmy asked as Richie walked off stage. Max came running from the audience to follow Richie.

“Richie, wait!” Max yelled. Richie didn’t stop, just slowed down a little as he turned to look at Max who was on their phone.

“Book me a flight-” Richie started.

“Already-” Max started as Miranda came chasing after them, all but screaming Richie’s name.

“Richie Tozier! Get your fucking ass back-”

“No, Miranda,” Richie yelled. “I've got to go.”

“If you go, you’ll be in breach of contract,” Miranda threatened, and Richie sighed.

“Miranda, this is still going to be good TV,” Max pointed out. 

Miranda considered this. “Fuck, you’re right.”

“Go do damage control,” Max instructed. “I got Richie.” 

Miranda turned and left them.

“The first flight isn’t until 11:35 tonight,” Max said. “And there’s a couple hours layover in Philadelphia. You’ll get in about 9 tomorrow, but we can at least get you home and changed.”

“That’s fine,” Richie said. “Book it.” They burst out of the studio and got in the car.

“Text yourself the confirmation details,” Max said, tossing their phone at Richie. When Richie was done, he called the one person in Derry who knew what was going on.

“Come on, Bill, pick up,” Richie muttered as Max pulled onto the freeway. Bill picked up on the fifth ring.

“Hey, Richie, you ok?” Bill asked.

“Are you alone?” Richie asked.

“Yeah, why-”

“I’m coming back,” Richie said. “Can you pick me up tomorrow morning at-” He turned to Max. “What time does my flight get in?”

“You have my phone,” Max snapped as they cut someone off.

“What do you mean you’re coming back?” Bill asked.

“I never should have left,” Richie said. “I was so fucking god damn stupid-”

“Why are you calling me and not Eddie?” Bill asked. 

Richie licked his lips. “Because I’m afraid,” he admitted.

“You’re afraid Eddie’s going to reject you, so your answer is to fly across the country-”

“Will you pick me up or not?” Richie yelled.

“Of course I will,” Bill snapped back. “Text me the details.”

“Ok, I will. And Bill?”

“Yeah, Richie?”

“I love you,” Richie said in a soft voice.

“I love you, too, Richie. See you in a few hours.”

“See you in a few hours.” He hung up and texted Bill the details. Max leaned over and took Richie’s hand.

“I am so _fucking_ proud of you, Richie Tozier,” Max said.

“Thanks,” Richie murmured. They fell silent. 

They were driving fast and Richie bit his lip. Max didn’t even turn the car off when they got to Richie’s. Richie ran up and grabbed a bag throwing some clean clothes into it before stripping down to his boxers and pulling on a t-shirt, Eddie’s hoodie, and some jeans. He was almost to the door when he ran back to his room to grab some headphones and his portable charger. All together, he was in and out in under five minutes.

The drive to the airport was intense but not quite as manic. When they got there, Max pulled up to the curb.

“You better fucking text me, Richie,” Max said as Richie looked over at them.

“I will,” he promised. He leaned over and kissed Max’s cheek before getting out. He rushed into the airport and checked in before heading up to security. The line was long and slow, but Richie had time. It was barely 8. His plane didn’t board for another 3 hours.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath when he realized he could have finished the interview. “Whatever,” he said to himself. 

He shoved his keys, phone, and wallet into his bag as he held his ticket and driver’s license in his free hand. The line stopped long enough for Richie to pull off his hoodie and he held it close as he inched up to the annoying x-ray machines. When it was finally his turn, Richie took off his shoes and shoved everything into a bin. He went through the scanner and grabbed his stuff on the other side.

First he went to the bathroom where he peed and washed his hands, splashing cold water on his face. Then he went to find some food. That Taco Bell had been so long ago now. He went to one of the nearby restaurants and got a burger. He ate it at his gate and pulled out his phone getting ready to settle in until his plane came in.

People came and moved around him, but he just ignored them as he watched _Parks and Rec_. At around 10:45, he got up and stretched. He looked over at the gate to make sure it hadn’t changed and was relieved to see that it hadn’t.

He was in coach this time, and one of the later boarding groups, but he didn’t care. As soon as he found his seat, he pulled out his headphones and shoved his bag under the seat in front of him. The flight went smoothly. Richie dozed lightly, and was relieved when he didn’t dream.

They landed in Philadelphia around 7 am local time. Richie was exhausted. He went to the first Starbucks he could find and ordered a cold brew and a breakfast bagel before heading to his gate. Bill called him just as he was sitting down.

“Hey, Richie,” Bill said. “How was your flight?”

“Uneventful,” Richie said. “How was your night?”

“It was fine,” Bill said.

“Did you tell anyone what I’m doing?”

“Nope, your secret is safe with me. And everyone who watches Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Bill said, and Richie groaned.

“Do you think Eddie saw it?”

“Probably not,” Bill said. “He’s been working a lot, trying to keep busy.”

“Is there any way to make sure he doesn’t?” Richie asked.

“You mean without tipping him off that something’s up? Not a chance,” Bill said. Richie sighed and licked his chapped lips.

“Fair enough.”

“I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“See you in a few hours,” Richie said. “And Bill?”

“Yeah?” Bill asked.

“You’re the best, and I love you.”

“I love you, too, man. I’m rooting for you,” Bill said and hung up. 

Richie yawned and took a bite of his bagel as he looked around. Other people were slowly starting to show up. Richie couldn’t help but wonder how many had seen his interview. When he was done with his sandwich, he threw away his trash and leaned back to people watch.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: none

He was a little worried someone would recognize him, but most of the people were as tired as he looked, and none of them gave him a second glance. Richie was just starting to doze off when someone announced over the intercom that his flight was going to start boarding. Richie groaned and sat up a little straighter. He righted his glasses and took a deep breath.

The second flight seemed to take forever. He was too keyed up to sleep but too tired to watch anything. The person sitting next to him just sat there drinking coffee and working on the Sudoku puzzle in one of the provided magazines.

Finally the plane landed and Richie turned on his phone as soon as the plane started braking. First, he texted Max. It was early, but he figured it would be better to check in now.

_Richie 9:54 am: Hey, I made it to Maine. Wish me luck._

He then called Bill who picked up on the first ring.

“Hey, buddy, how was your flight?” Bill asked.

“It was fine,” Richie said. “You close?”

“Just pulled into short term parking. I’ll meet you at the security gate.” 

“See you there.” Richie said and hung up. His phone went off. It was Max.

_Max 10:01 am: You don’t need luck. Everything is going to be fine, you’ll see._   
_Richie 10:02 am: If you don’t hear from me for a while, just assume it all went well._   
_Max 10:03 am: Sounds good. <3_

Richie was near the front of the plane, so he didn’t have to wait long before he got off. He went straight to the exit, and ran into Bill’s outstretched arms. Bill hugged him tightly.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” Bill said. 

They left quickly and got in Bill’s car. Richie shivered in the cold. _At least it’s not snowing,_ he thought to himself. 

“How are you feeling?” Bill asked as he drove up to the toll booth. Richie shrugged and Bill squeezed his knee. “It’s going to be ok.” 

Richie smiled at him as they pulled up to the window. Bill gave the woman some money and then they hit the road.

“Do you know where Eddie is right now?” Richie asked.

“No. Text him from my phone and find out,” Bill said. Richie took it. “The code is 6109.” 

Richie typed it in and pulled up the text messages. “What should I say?” 

“Uh, just ask if he’s going to be home today, tell him I have something to drop off for him,” Bill said winking at Richie, who couldn’t decide if he wanted to smile or frown so he just sort of grimaced. He turned his attention to the phone.

_Bill 10:17 am: Hey, Eds. You home today? I have something I want to give you._   
_Eds 10:19 am: Yeah, Mike made me take the day off. Even took my keys so I couldn’t Uber. Ugh._   
_Bill 10:21 am: Well, you deserve some time off._   
_Bill 10:22 am: I’ll be there within an hour, just have a few errands to run first._   
_Eds 10:26 am: See you soon._

Richie sucked in a shaky breath and Bill took his hand, squeezing it.

“We’ll be there soon,” Bill said. Richie nodded and licked his lips as he squeezed Bill’s hand back.

“Thank you again,” Richie said and Bill smiled at him.

“Thanks for coming back,” Bill said.

Finally they were in Derry, and Richie found he was having trouble breathing. By the time they stopped outside of Eddie’s apartment, Richie was close to hyperventilating.

“Hey, it’s going to be ok.”

“How do you know that?” Richie asked.

“Because I just do,” Bill said. “Go on.” 

Richie rubbed his face and got out. The sun was out but it was a lie. It was so cold he could see his breath. He took the stairs two at a time and hesitated.

_Just do it,_ he told himself. He knocked louder than he meant to and made himself jump a little.

“Door’s open, Bill,” Eddie called. Richie shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“It’s not Bill,” Richie said. There was a loud bang followed by louder cussing. The door opened and Eddie looked up at Richie.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Eddie asked. Richie’s face fell and he took a step back. He wasn’t prepared to see Eddie like this, so angry, so hurt. “Get in before you freeze your ass off.” 

He moved aside and Richie went in. Ray looked up and came over to Richie with a little _mrrp_ of excitement. He stood up on his hind legs, waiting to be picked up. Richie leaned down to give him scritches.

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asked again, this time gentler. Richie stood up and looked at Eddie.

“I’m here to return your hoodie,” Richie said tugging at the dark cloth. Eddie crossed his arms over his chest, glaring a little. Richie took a deep breath. “No, I-” He stopped. “I made a mistake, Eddie. And I’m sorry.” 

Eddie studied his face. “Continue,” Eddie said after a moment, his face unreadable.

“I should never have left,” Richie said. “I regretted it the moment I walked away from you.” Eddie crossed his arms over his chest. “I love you so incredibly much it scares me.” Eddie huffed. “Eddie, please.” 

Eddie’s mouth disappeared into a thin line and he didn’t say anything, one hand dropping to his side, his other combing through his hair.

“All my life I’ve been waiting for my family to love me,” Richie said. “It took my ma dying to realize what I’d _really_ been looking for was the Losers.” He took another deep breath. “All I’ve been looking for… is you.” A tear rolled down Richie’s cheek and he roughly brushed it away. “I have been looking for you my whole life.” 

Eddie studied him, arms crossing over his chest again. Richie looked down and realized Eddie was wearing his AC/DC shirt, and hope began to trickle in his chest.

“This isn’t fair, Richie,” Eddie said eventually. “You made it perfectly clear that you’re not moving back, and that you have no space for me in LA. So, what is the point of all this?”

“Eddie I’m a fucking- Wait, what?” Richie asked, Eddie’s words clicking in his head. “When did I say I didn’t have space for you in LA?” Eddie swallowed hard.

“You can’t stay, I can’t come, something like that,” Eddie said. 

Richie’s heart thudded in his chest when he figured out what was going on. “No, no,” Richie said, laughing a little despite himself. “I-” He took a deep breath. “I just assumed you wouldn’t want to come.” 

Eddie cocked his head. “I clearly have _so_ much going for me here,” Eddie said. 

Richie shook his head. He took a step towards Eddie who took a step back. Both of them frowned.

“You have everything, Eddie,” Richie said. Eddie shook his head.

“I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment in Maine without a working heater! I- I work for Uber on the weekends because I like driving but I’m scared I’ll just drive and never come back again, or do something worse. And, well, gas prices are astronomical,” Eddie said. He looked so sad. 

Richie chewed on his lip. “But you have the Losers,” Richie said, and Eddie’s scowl softened.

“Yeah, I do have the Losers,” Eddie said. Richie rubbed his face and Eddie took a step closer to Richie, his arms still tight over his chest. “What changed, Richie? How is this going to work? If I don’t go there and you don’t come here?”

“I’ll buy a house here, and keep my place in LA. I travel for work all the time. I can make it work,” Richie said. Eddie’s eyes widened.

“Here in Derry? But I thought-” Eddie started but Richie shook his head.

“No, not Derry,” Richie said. “I was thinking of the town Ben and Bev live in. Less chance of seeing my family, but I’ll be here. I’ll be here… with you.” Eddie studied him.

“You’re not fucking with me, are you?” Eddie asked. 

Richie smiled a little and took a step towards Eddie. This time the other man didn’t step back so Richie closed the space between them and cupped Eddie’s face in his hands. _It’s so good to touch you again,_ he thought to himself. 

“Cause I swear to gawd, Richie, if you decide this is too hard, that you can’t take it, I don’t think I could fucking handle it.”

“Eddie, Eds, you are, without a doubt, the love of my life, and you are my home.” He paused. “If you don’t want to do this- If you want to move to LA or Miami or Alaska, I don’t care. We can go, and I’ll make it work. We’ll make it work.” 

Eddie licked his lips. 

“I want you, Eddie.” 

Eddie looked down.

“Eddie?” 

Eddie looked back up at him, his face so full of fear and hope and hurt and want. “Richie, I couldn’t ask you-” Eddie started.

“You’re not,” Richie said. “I’m offering. I want you, I want this, I want _us._ ” 

Eddie took a deep breath and brought his hands up to Richie’s. “I want you, too, Richie. I-” 

Richie leaned down and kissed him gently. He pushed his head into Eddie’s.

“I love you so much, Eddie,” Richie whispered. Eddie smiled up at him.

“I love you, Richie,” Eddie said. He pulled Richie down for a soft kiss. “Why don’t you take off my hoodie and stay a while.” 

Grinning, Richie dropped his bag to the floor. Eddie took Richie’s hand and led him back to the bedroom. 

“Are you hungry? Thirsty? Can I get you anything?”

“I just want to lay down next to you and hold your hand,” Richie said. 

Eddie smiled at him, shaking his head a little. “We can do that.” 

Richie tugged out of his clothes and curled up next to Eddie.

“What are you watching?” Richie asked and Eddie blushed and laughed.

“I was actually about to watch you on Jimmy Kimmel,” Eddie said and Richie groaned.

“You don’t want to watch that,” Richie said reaching for the remote and Eddie pushed it away from him.

“What? Why not? Do you talk about me?” Eddie asked, his eyes lighting up.

“Eddie,” Richie said, his cheeks turning red.

“You do! You do talk about me!” Eddie yelled happily.

“Ugh,” Richie said but let Eddie push play. 

It was too weird to watch himself on the TV so he just watched Eddie. He kept glancing back and forth between the screen and Richie. When it got to the part where Richie told the camera there was nothing wrong with being gay, Eddie squeezed Richie’s hand.

“You and Eds, huh?” Jimmy asked on the TV.

“Me and Eds,” Richie on the TV said. He tensed for what was coming next, but to his surprise, Eddie just stared up at the screen, watching Richie’s face and Jimmy’s growing confusion.

“I’m sorry,” Richie on the TV said. “I need to go home.” 

A tear trickled down Eddie’s cheek and Richie wanted to kiss him until there were no more tears, to make sure he knew that Richie would always be there for him. 

“Well folks,” Jimmy on the TV said and Richie glanced up just in time to see Max cut across the screen to chase after him. “That was Richie Tozier. I wish him luck, and Richie, if you watch this back, you’re a _BLEEP_ and you owe me a follow up.” The audience laughed and clapped. 

Eddie looked at him, clutching tightly to Richie’s hand. “You- you cut your interview with Jimmy short because-”

“Because I realized what a fucking idiot I was being, and couldn’t wait to come and start sharing the rest of my life with you, even though I ended up spending a million hours waiting at the airport,” Richie said. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Eddie. I never meant- I just- You talked about when you saw me at the airport when you were my Uber driver and you felt 18 again, I- I felt the same way. It was weird. There was so much going wrong, but you made it easier to handle.” Eddie pulled Richie close. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know,” Eddie said. “I know, it’s going to be ok.” He rubbed Richie’s back.

“I just can’t believe how stupid I was,” Richie said, tears trickling down his cheeks. “I- I can’t believe I almost lost you again.” 

Eddie shushed him. “It’s going to be ok,” he murmured. “We- we just had a little moment of miscommunication, but that’s something we can work on.” 

Richie pulled his glasses off and handed them to Eddie who put them on his bedside table. “I don’t deserve you,” Richie muttered into Eddie’s chest and Eddie sighed.

“Yes, you do. You are one of the best people I know.”

“No, I’m not. I’m- I’m-” 

Eddie kissed the top of his head. “I know you may not want to hear this right now, but you’re the best person I’ve ever known. Yeah, you fuck up, but who doesn’t?” Eddie paused. “What matters is you try. I know you didn’t mean it. I know you were scared.”

“I’m still scared,” Richie whispered.

“I know,” Eddie said. “I’m scared, too.” Richie looked up at him. “I should have done things differently, too. I should have made you talk, I should have told you how I felt instead of just bottling it up. I just- I just thought you’d made yourself clear, and I didn’t want to make it harder than it was.” He paused. “You may be an idiot, but you’re my idiot, and I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Richie said thickly. Yawning, he closed his eyes again, and shoved his face into Eddie, never wanting to let go. “I’m sorry, I’m just so tired. I didn’t get much sleep on the plane.”

“Then sleep,” Eddie breathed. “We can talk more when you wake up. I’ll be here.” Richie nodded and twisted his feet around Eddie’s.

“I love you,” he said again.

“I love you, too,” Eddie said. “Go to sleep.” 

Richie fell asleep quickly, and when he woke up a few hours later, Eddie was still there, holding him close and watching Youtube. Richie sighed, relieved it wasn’t a dream.

***

Two weeks later, Richie hit the road for 6 weeks. The interview had gone viral, and his shows were sold out nearly everywhere. Richie and Eddie talked every day, and most nights they fell asleep Facetiming each other after Richie’s shows.

As it worked out, Richie was in Maine for Thanksgiving. When Grace found out Richie was going to be in town, she decided to not have dinner with the majority of their family and tried to invite Richie over for dinner, but Richie convinced her to have dinner with the Losers and Max. Grace awkwardly agreed.

The kids were excited to see Richie again, and Mason hung around Eddie and Mike, talking to them about the different books he’d been reading. Rachel climbed all over Richie, clinging to him happily when he told her that he was moving back to Maine. Adam sat with Ben, Audra, and Max talking about his work while Bill and Bev cooked an amazing dinner.

Richie could hardly believe that he’d gotten so lucky. The year before he and Max had eaten pizza and watched TV in Richie’s apartment, and now he was back with his friends, with the people who loved him most.

When dinner was over, Richie, Eddie, and Grace sat around talking about the move. Richie wanted to build a house, but Eddie insisted they buy an old one because he thought it would be cheaper.

“Baby, it’s not going to be that much more expensive to build a new house,” Richie said as they sat in Grace’s kitchen, all of them full of the traditional Thanksgiving fixings. “I’ve- I’ve been talking to people.” Eddie squinted at him.

“Who do you know-” Eddie started as Grace knocked over her drink and the liquid went flowing all over the table. 

Eddie bit back a curse and jumped up to clean it up. Grace winked at Richie who winked back. He didn’t know why he didn’t want to tell Eddie just yet that he was talking to Ben about building a house, he just knew he wasn’t ready. Ben hadn’t designed a lot of houses, but he was eager to help and help find contractors who would give them good deals.

That night when Richie and Eddie went back to Eddie’s apartment, Richie curled up on Eddie’s chest in bed as they watched TV. Eddie rubbed Richie’s back in a mindless sort of way. Richie sighed and Eddie looked down at Richie.

“You doing ok, hon?” Eddie asked. 

Richie rubbed his face. “I don’t know,” he said. Eddie waited. “I just- I just thought I’d feel sadder?”

“Sadder?”

“This is the first Thanksgiving without my ma,” Richie said and Eddie smiled a little sadly.

“ _Is_ it the first Thanksgiving without your mom?” Eddie asked. 

Richie looked up at him, thinking about this for a moment.

“When was the last time you came back to Maine for Thanksgiving?” 

Richie bit his lip a little. “Yeah, but we usually talk on the phone.” 

Eddie nodded. “You know it’s ok to _not feel sad,_ right?” Eddie asked and Richie shrugged a little, sighing. 

He lay there thinking about this for a bit and realized it was true. His ma had just died, but this was the first Thanksgiving he’d spent with any family since he was a teenager. Richie took another deep breath and began to stroke the inside of Eddie’s arm with his finger tips.

“I know I should be sad though,” Richie murmured, “but I can’t help but feel-not happy, but relief maybe? I usually only called for my ma, and now I don’t have to, but I’m also not going to be alone again. Between you, the Losers, Max, and Grace, my life feels pretty full.” He paused for a moment. “I don’t have to talk to my dad or Elliot, and I don’t have to feel guilty about it.”

“No, baby, you don’t,” Eddie agreed and kissed Richie’s hair. Richie leaned up and kissed Eddie on the mouth.

“I love you so much,” Richie said.

“I love you, too,” Eddie said. Richie kissed him again, and again. Richie knew he had so much to be thankful for, but he was most thankful for the man stretched out under him, kissing him so gently. In that moment, Richie’s heart felt full.

***

Miranda forgave him pretty quickly, and she even managed to get him a follow up with Jimmy about a week after his final show in LA, but Jimmy had one stipulation: Eddie had to come with him. Somehow, Eddie agreed. Eddie flew out on his own a few days before the interview as sort of a little vacation before Richie went back to Derry. They spent most of their time holed up in Richie’s apartment, enjoying his large tub and huge, soft bed.

“We should get a bed like this for our new place,” Eddie said the first time he laid down on it. 

“Can do,” Richie smiled. “If you agree that we should build a house.” 

Eddie glared up at him from his pillow. “Dick move,” Eddie said, flipping him off.

“Oh, I can show you how to make a dick move,” Richie said and Eddie groaned but rolled over.

“Alright, Mister Manliest Man to Ever Man, come and show me,” Eddie dared him. 

Richie smirked a little and crawled in between his legs, shoving his knees apart. 

Several hours later, Eddie lay naked in the bed, hickies all over his shoulders and chest, totally fucked out. Richie lay next to him, watching him the semidarkness, gently tracing his fingers against Eddie’s forearm, and he couldn’t help but wonder how he’d gotten so lucky. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this.

The day of the interview, Max brought them coffee and made sure they showered before driving them to the studio.

“I _am_ slightly more responsible than Richie, you know,” Eddie groused when Max knocked on the bedroom door, telling them it was time to get up. Richie rubbed his face, yawning.

“You know, you don’t _really_ have to do this,” Richie said looking up at Eddie as he wandered around the room gathering up some clothes to wear. Even after 3 days of being there, it was still amazing to Richie that Eddie was _actually_ there.

“I don’t mind,” Eddie said once he’d found a clean shirt. “They’re talking about me anyway thanks to your first interview.” 

Richie blushed. “I’m pretty sure they were talking about you before that interview thanks to my shitty cousin,” Richie pointed out. 

Eddie just rolled his eyes as he went and took a shower. Richie got up and tugged on some boxers before going out to the front room to find out if Max had brought breakfast, and he was not disappointed.

Eddie was quiet all the way to the studio, clinging tightly to Richie’s hand. Richie leaned over and kissed Eddie’s shoulder as they pulled into the studio parking lot.

“It’s going to be ok,” Richie whispered. “I’ll be right there beside you.” Eddie managed a small smile. As soon as they opened their doors, the scary woman from the first interview came out to them, glaring darkly.

“Don’t worry,” Richie said. “I’m not going anywhere this time.” The woman just crossed her arms over her chest as they walked down the hall to the dressing room.

“You have 40 minutes to change,” the woman said. “When you’re done, someone will take you to makeup.”

“Ok,” Richie said. 

Eddie raised an eyebrow as they walked in. Miranda was already there, typing away on her phone.

“Makeup?” Eddie asked as Richie closed the door. 

Richie opened his mouth to respond, but Miranda stood up.

“Hi, Eddie, I’m Miranda, Richie’s agent,” she said and they shook hands.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Go ahead and get dressed, I’ll be right outside.” She left them alone. 

Richie began tugging out of his clothes but Eddie just stared at the door.

“You ok, my love?” Richie asked.

“I know I said I could do this, but I don’t think I can,” Eddie said in a small voice. 

Richie walked over to him. He cupped Eddie’s face in his hands and kissed Eddie gently. “It’s going to be fine,” Richie said. “Just be your normal snarky self, and Jimmy will love you.” 

Eddie smiled up at him, shaking his head. 

“What if I go down on you? That always relaxes you.” 

Eddie blushed, laughing. “Richie! We can’t!” Eddie said. 

Richie checked his watch. They still had over half an hour. They had plenty of time. Richie just took a step back and locked the door. 

“Richie!”

“We have plenty of time,” Richie said. 

Eddie rubbed his face, blushing a little. “Ok.”

After taking off his glasses and setting them on a table, Richie walked over to him and kissed him. He got down on his knees and undid Eddie’s pants.

“Try not to mess up my hair,” Richie said. “The scary lady might kill you.” 

Eddie smirked a little as Richie pulled his underwear down.

“I’ll try,” Eddie breathed. He gasped as Richie swallowed him down.

When he was done, Richie wiped the drool and come off his face with a towel they found near the sink. They got dressed, and Richie put on his glasses. He looked over at Eddie who just stood there with a goofy grin on his face. Richie walked over to him, holding out Eddie’s suit jacket.

“Feeling better?” Richie asked as he helped Eddie put on the jacket.

“Not really, but that was really nice, baby,” Eddie said and reached up and kissed Richie. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Richie said. 

When someone knocked on the door, Eddie flinched and jumped. 

“It’s ok,” Richie said again, putting his hand flat on Eddie’s neck.

“Are you boys about ready for makeup? You go on in fifteen minutes,” Miranda said.

“We’ll be ready in a minute,” Richie called back. He looked down at Eddie. “If you _really_ don’t want to do this, you don’t have to.”

“No, it’s fine,” Eddie said. “I want to do this, I want to support you.” Richie kissed him.

“You always support me, babes,” Richie said. “I feel fully supported. Like you’re a full coverage bra.”

“Well, maybe that’s because you are a boob,” Eddie teased.

“Oh, I’m a boob?” Richie teased, laughing. “Help me with my tie.” Miranda knocked again and tried the door.

“What are you boys doing in there?” Miranda asked.

“Just a second,” Richie called. When they were both fully dressed, Richie went and unlocked the door. Miranda looked at them and beamed until she saw their piles of clothes and figured out what, exactly, had taken so long.

“You two are incorrigible,” she said. 

Eddie blushed but Richie just shrugged. The assistant from the first interview came to get them and take them to makeup.

“Hey,” he said. He seemed a lot more relaxed than he had been the first time. “You two ready for makeup?” 

Richie nodded and put his hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “Yes, we are.” 

They followed the man down the hall. Once they were all done, the scary lady came back and led them to the entrance box.

“Not taking any chances this time, eh?” Richie asked and the woman just glared at them. He looked back at Eddie and shrugged. They stood and waited for the door to come up.

Richie took Eddie’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s going to be ok,” he said and Eddie nodded. He leaned up and kissed Richie just as the door came up. The cheers were overwhelming. Eddie held tightly to Richie’s hand as Jimmy came over to them. They all hugged and Jimmy led them back to the chairs.

“Hey, guys. Eddie, nice to meet you finally,” Jimmy said. Eddie nodded. “How are you two doing?” 

Richie looked at Eddie, smiling widely, both of them still holding hands. “We’re pretty great,” Richie said, and Eddie nodded again.

“The last time you were here Richie, you left rather abruptly,” Jimmy teased. “Things are going well?” 

Richie again looked at Eddie, both of them grinning goofily at each other. “Yeah, things are great.”

“Tell us what happened after you left,” Jimmy said. 

Richie told him and everyone kept laughing. Eddie, who’d heard the story before, just kept smirking a little.

“So, Bill finally gets me to Eddie’s and I was scared shitless,” Richie said. “I’d barely slept and I had no idea what he was going to say. When he opens the door, I just said I was sorry and-”

“Don’t lie,” Eddie said. 

Up to this point, Eddie had been pretty quiet, not having much to add.

“What?” Jimmy and Richie asked at the same time, both of them turning to look at him. 

Eddie blushed and glanced at the audience. He swallowed.

“The first thing you said to me after I asked what the eff you were doing there was that you were there to return my hoodie. Which you’d taken. _Without_ permission. And you were wearing it,” Eddie said. Everyone laughed.

“Eds, if you tell them that, you have to tell them what you were wearing,” Richie teased and Eddie blushed, smiling at Richie.

“You are the worst, Richie Tozier,” Eddie said.

“Yeah, but you love me,” Richie said. 

They leaned together and kissed. The audience cheered. When they pulled apart, Jimmy was laughing.

“What were you wearing?” Jimmy asked.

“I was wearing an AC/DC shirt Richie’d forgotten when he left,” Eddie mumbled.

“Aww, you two are disgustingly in love,” Jimmy said. Richie smirked. “So I take it you were just as miserable?” Jimmy asked. Eddie nodded a little.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Eddie said. Richie squeezed his hand.

After that, Jimmy and Richie started talking about the tour, and then it was over. Jimmy thanked them for coming, and they walked back to the changing room to put their clothes back on. When they were dressed, Max came in.

“You two were so _fucking_ adorable!” Max yelled.

“I hardly said anything at all,” Eddie said.

“You were great, baby,” Richie said. He leaned down and kissed his cheek.

“Please tell me I never have to do that again,” Eddie said.

“You never have to do that again,” Richie said. “But thank you for doing it this time.” 

They kissed and Max groaned. Richie and Eddie ignored them.

“I love you,” Eddie said.

“I love you, too,” Richie said.

“Your flight takes off in 6 hours, so maybe you should wrap up the mush fest sometime soon,” Max said. 

Richie rolled his eyes. They started for the door and Miranda came in.

“I know you two have to go, but I just wanted to stop and tell you both of you did great!” Miranda said, smiling widely. “When are you going to come back so we can talk about your next-”

“Miranda, honestly, I don’t know,” Richie said truthfully. “I think I deserve some time off.”

“Yes, but we have to keep you relevant,” Miranda said.

“Yeah, and I just used most of my best stories, I need more,” Richie said. Miranda crossed her arms over her chest. “Am I not allowed to enjoy some premarital bliss?”

“Premarital bliss?” Miranda, Max, and Eddie all asked at the same time as Richie turned crimson.

“Uh, Max, don’t we- don’t we have to go?” Richie asked. 

Miranda started to say something but Max pulled her aside. Eddie looked up at Richie.

“Like way, way premarital,” Richie said. Eddie just studied his face. “Can we- do we-”

“So, you’re thinking long term?” Eddie asked. 

Richie relaxed a little. “Yeah, yeah I am,” Richie said. “I mean, we are getting a house together.” 

“Good,” Eddie snorted. “That’s very good.” 

He leaned up and kissed Richie. Just when Richie was about to reach down and pick Eddie up, Max came back in.

“Let’s go, before Miranda comes back,” Max said. 

Richie and Eddie broke apart and just smiled at each other. They went out to the parking lot and left the studio. On the way to the airport, they stopped and got food at Denny’s before heading to the airport. They spent a few hours eating, and just enjoying Richie and Eddie’s last few hours before they left.

They ended up getting to the airport about 2 hours before the flight took off. Max parked in short term parking.

“You’ll text me when you land in Maine?” Max asked as they got out. 

Richie nodded, and they went to the trunk. Richie and Eddie grabbed their bags and left their suits in the trunk. They wouldn’t be needing them for a while.

“ _I’ll_ text you,” Eddie promised. 

They went into the airport, Richie and Eddie checked in, and then turned to look at Max.

“Well,” Richie said. Max wiped a tear away. “I guess this is it for a while.” 

Max pulled Richie into a tight hug.

“I love you, you fucking loser,” Max whispered in his ear. “I’m so happy for you.”

“I love you, too, Max,” Richie said. “You’re not getting rid of me. I’m going to need you now more than ever. Who else is Miranda going to have to harass?” 

Max narrowed their eyes at Richie.“You’d better not leave me to deal with that woman alone,” Max snapped.

Richie laughed and squeezed their shoulder. “Kidding, kidding. I promise, I’ll keep in touch.”

“You better,” Max said. They let Richie go and hugged Eddie tightly. “Let me know if you need any help getting this asshole in line.” 

Eddie laughed. “I think I’ve had a good deal of practice in that department.” 

Richie turned to argue and Eddie pinched his side. “Hey!” Richie yelped and Eddie smirked. “I’ll show you-”

Eddie put his hand on Richie’s mouth. “Beep beep, motherfucker,” Eddie whispered as he took his hand away from Richie’s mouth.

“Yeah, I didn’t think you could keep it up!” Richie said and Eddie put his hand back on Richie’s mouth. Richie licked his hand.

“Bleh,” Eddie said, wiping Richie’s spit on Richie’s shoulder. Max laughed and Eddie turned towards them. 

“Max, I’m _really_ going to miss you. You should visit soon.”

“We’ll see,” Max said. They checked the time. “You two better get going.” 

Richie pulled Max tight for one last hug. “Thank you, for everything. I don’t think I could have survived the last few months without you.”

“It was nothing,” Max said.

“It was everything,” Richie said, squeezing them a little tighter before they let go.

“Talk to you soon,” Max said. 

Richie smiled at them and turned to take Eddie’s hand.

“Come on, Eds. Let’s go home,” Richie said. 

Eddie smiled up at him. “Let’s go home,” he agreed. 

They walked up to security and Richie kept looking down at him. He couldn’t believe this was real, that he was going home with Eddie, his best friend and love of his life, and Richie wouldn’t have to be back in LA for a few weeks at least.

He knew it wasn’t always going to be easy, that they would probably continue to argue for the next several weeks about buying or building a house, but in the end, Richie didn’t care.

Home was wherever Eddie was.


	23. Chapter 23

**One Year Later**

Richie had no interest in being awake, but he could hear Eddie vacuuming downstairs, so he figured he should get up. He knew he would _never_ hear the end of it if he let Eddie clean the house by himself when their friends were going to be there in a matter of hours for Thanksgiving dinner, and he wanted Eddie in a good mood because he had a big question to ask him later. He just hoped Eddie didn’t wake up Max and their partner, Carrie, who’d come in late the night before. After tugging on some sleep pants, Richie went to his office and checked to see if the ring was still in its well-hidden place. Heart pounding, he then walked down to find Eddie dancing around the living room with some wireless headphones in as he sang off key to his favorite Mika song. Richie snuck up behind him and wrapped his arms around Eddie’s waist. Eddie yelped and jerked, trying to pull away even as he laughed.

“You are such an asshole,” Eddie yelled as he pulled one of his earbuds out. 

Richie snickered into his neck, kissing it. “Yeah, but I’m your favorite asshole.” 

Eddie twisted around and wrapped his arms around Richie’s neck. He pulled the taller man down and kissed him full on the lips.

“You eat breakfast yet?” Richie asked when they broke apart. 

Eddie shook his head, no. “I was waiting for you,” he said. “Even though it’s almost not worth it now. The others are going to be here soon.”

“What time is it?” Richie asked as he pulled out of Eddie’s arms, his fingers trailing along Eddie’s sides.

“Almost ten,” Eddie said. “I was about to come wake you up when I was done vacuuming.” 

Richie rolled his eyes. People weren’t going to start showing up until around one. 

“I made coffee,” Eddie said, leading the way into the kitchen. 

“Cereal?” Richie asked. They ate cereal most mornings they woke up late.

“Sure.”

He set about getting their coffee ready while Richie grabbed a couple boxes of cereal and the almond milk before grabbing bowls and spoons. Richie sat down in their little breakfast nook and opened his Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. When Eddie did the grocery shopping he refused to buy the ‘trash’ cereals like Cap'n Crunch or Fruity Pebbles, and this was his compromise. Eddie had Raisin Bran.

They sat close together, legs and arms constantly bumping, but neither of them apologized or moved. Richie’d been working a lot over the past few weeks and even though he worked from home, he’d been distracted and Eddie was reveling in the attention.

Richie could hardly believe how much his life had changed in the last year. He and Eddie had gone from living in Eddie’s cramped and freezing apartment to the two story house that Ben had designed for them on a five acre lot. Eddie had finally agreed to the house when Ben came over one afternoon and showed him some preliminary sketches. Eddie had bawled when Ben left and fucked Richie senseless. It had been a good day.

As it turned out, Richie needed the house in LA a lot less then he’d thought he would, and so he pretty much gave the house to Max because they lived in a not great neighborhood. When Richie _did_ need to stay there, he stayed in the guest room. Miranda had been annoyed at first about the distance, but then figured out she could Facetime him easier than trying Richie to leave his apartment for an in person meeting.

When they were done with breakfast, Richie did the dishes while Eddie wiped down the counters. Over the next few hours, they cleaned all the common areas, and all three bathrooms before heading up to take a shower together.

When they were done, they got dressed and went down to the living room to watch TV while they waited for their friends to arrive. Bill and Audra got there just after one with a large turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy.

“Hey, can I put the bird in your oven to keep warm?” Bill asked as he walked through the main room and into the kitchen.

“No, you have put it in the dryer,” Eddie said, and Richie smirked as he hugged Audra.

“Happy Thanksgiving!” Richie said.

“Happy Thanksgiving!” Audra said. 

They walked in the kitchen and watched as Bill pushed some buttons on the stove. Bill hugged Eddie first, and then went to Richie, hugging him tightly.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Bill asked. 

Richie smiled, nodding. Once again, Bill was the only one who knew what Richie was up to.

“I’m good,” Richie managed as the door rang again. “I got it!” Richie yelled louder than he meant, especially as Eddie was right there, but everyone just laughed. 

Richie went to the front door and found Bev and Sara, looking back towards Ben who was carrying a large ice chest full of ice and drinks.

“Need any help?” Richie asked as Sara climbed up a step and walked over to Richie, wrapping her tiny arms around his legs. Richie bent down and picked her up, blowing a loud raspberry into Sara’s cheek. The little girl shrieked with laughter.

“No, I got it,” Ben said as he came up to the step.

“You got the door?” Richie asked Bev as he took a step back in the house.

“Yup,” Bev said and Richie took the small child into the house, talking to her and blowing raspberries into her neck.

“Oh, Uncle Eddie!” Richie singsonged as he came in the kitchen. 

Eddie lit up when he saw Sara and the little girl shrieked again. Richie groaned, the sound was so loud.

“Indoor voice, Sara,” Eddie said smiling. He took the little girl and she planted a sloppy open mouth baby kiss on his cheek. 

Ben came in the kitchen, huffling a little. “Where do you want this?” 

“Over here is fine,” Richie said pointing to a space next to the back door. Ben set it down and stood up, stretching. “Is there more?”

“Yeah, but I got it,” Ben said as he went back to the front door. 

Bev came over and pulled Richie into a tight hug.

“Hey, loser, what are you up to?” She asked. 

They talked for a few minutes as Ben came back in with a couple of 12 packs of soda. He set these next to the ice chest. They stood around talking for a few minutes and then the doorbell rang again. This time the door opened and more children came rushing in as their parents chided them, but Mason and Rachel were already hugging Richie.

“Hey, goobers, what are you two up to?” Richie asked and Rachel giggled.

“We’re not goobers, you are!” She declared and Richie smiled.

“No, I think you’re the goobers,” he insisted as Grace came in with several bags of rolls, Adam and Bryant close behind her. Bryant had a couple more bags of rolls, and Adam had a large dish of green bean casserole.

“You can put those one the counter over there,” Eddie said. They put the food down and Eddie handed Sara back to Ben. “Richie, help me set the table.” 

Richie untangled himself from the kids as they ran over to the TV and flopped on the couch to watch cartoons. Richie grabbed the plates while Eddie grabbed the silverware.

“Do you need any help?” Ben asked.

“No, just relax,” Eddie said as he and Richie set the table. They were just waiting on Mike and Nathan who were _always_ late. When they were done, Richie dragged Bill to his office to show him the ring.

“You’re so nervous and it’s so cute,” Bill teased and Richie punched his shoulder.

“Something tells me you weren’t so confident when you asked Audra to marry you,” Richie said and Bill smirked.

“It’s going to be fine,” Bill said. “Eddie loves you so much. I don’t know why. You’re such a fucking mess.” 

Richie punched Bill’s shoulder again. “You’re supposed to be calming me down, not egging me on.”

Bill grabbed Richie’s shoulder and squeezed it gently. “We better get back out there before Eddie starts to suspect,” Bill said. He hugged Richie tightly before Richie pocketed the ring and they went back out to the front room to find that Max and Carrie had finally gotten up.

“Hey sleepy head,” Richie said, walking to hug his friend. Max hugged him back.

“What up, loser?” Max asked.

“You know, since you’re a part of this family, you’re a loser too, right?” Richie asked and Max laughed. 

They patted Richie’s cheek. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. When are we going to eat?”

“Whenever Mike and Nathan get here,” Richie said. “You know how they’re like.” 

Max sighed. “So… hungry… gonna… die….” 

“I think there’s some rolls you could probably steal in the kitchen,” Richie said.

“Yes! You’re my favorite!” Max said and rushed off to the kitchen. 

A rather smelly Sara came racing to Richie who picked her up and lifted her up, tossing her very gently in the air. She shrieked with laughter. Richie blew a raspberry into her belly and she shrieked, kicking her legs as she laughed. Ben came in a minute later with a clean diaper and some wipes.

“Get back here, stinky!” Ben said and Sara giggled as Richie handed her over. 

Ben changed her quickly and handed her back before heading out front to take out the diaper. Mike and Nathan came in with Ben. They had brought four pies — two pumpkin, one apple, and one banana cream.

“Finally!” Max yelled from the kitchen. 

Everyone laughed. There was a lot of confusion as they got the food all set up and everyone found their seats.

Richie could barely breathe all through dinner. He couldn’t believe he was actually going to do this. But also, he couldn’t believe neither of them had done it before. Although, that seemed presumptuous. They hadn’t talked about marriage again after Richie had told Miranda to let them enjoy their premarital bliss, but Richie was _pretty sure_ this was something Eddie wanted. Probably. Oh gawd.

When dinner was done, Richie and Bill took the used dishes to the kitchen so they could get the pie and clean plates.

“How you doin’ big guy?” Bill asked. R

ichie’s hands were shaking, the plates clanking. “What if he says no?” 

“He’s not going to say no.”

“But-” Richie started, but Bill shook his head, no.

“Come on.”

“You two get lost in here?” Eddie asked. 

Richie yelped in surprise.

“Nah, we’re just talking shit about you,” Bill said, and Richie shot Bill a look. “Since you’re here, wanna help me with the pie?” Bill asked Eddie as he ignored Richie. 

They went out to the dining room and everyone helped themselves to pie. As they sat back, Richie glanced at Eddie and then looked over at Bill, nodding a little. Bill cleared his throat and everyone looked at him.

“Before we eat our dessert, I was thinking, since it’s Thanksgiving and all, maybe we could go around the table and say something we’re thankful for,” Bill said. 

Everyone groaned, Richie a little more than probably necessary, but he wanted to make sure Eddie believed _he didn’t want to do this_.

“That sounds nice,” Grace said. She was sitting across the table from Richie and Bill. He hadn’t been prepared for someone to offer to go before him. He sighed in real annoyance. Bill squeezed Richie’s knee under the table, and Richie took Eddie’s hand, squeezing it. Richie stared off into space as everyone talked about the different things they were thankful for, and if it had been any other day, Richie might have had some real feelings about them, but he could barely pay attention. He bounced his knee and waited for his turn.

When Bill was finally done talking, Richie cleared his throat and looked around at his family. He squeezed Eddie’s hand and let go. He slid his hand into his pocket and looked around.

“I-” He started all squeaky. Everyone laughed and he blushed a little. He cleared his throat. “This last year has been one of the weirdest and best years of my life. Before I came back to Maine, I never thought that anything like this was possible for me.” He cleared his throat again. “I’m thankful for Bill and Max. Those two keep me out of trouble, and make sure I don’t do anything _too_ stupid. And I’m thankful for Audra for keeping Bill in line.” Everyone laughed. “I’m thankful for Bev for being one of the best people I know. I’m thankful for Ben for designing this _fucking gorgeous_ house.” Everyone made noises of agreement. “I’m thankful for Mike and Nathan for always being later than me, because everyone knows my life is a complete mess but at least not in this instance.” Everyone laughed again. “I’m thankful to Grace and Adam for being here, for supporting me, and loving me. I’m thankful for the kiddos because they are absolute treasurers,” he said and smiled at the kids who were getting a little antsy. He pulled the ring out of his pocket but kept it in his lap. He turned and looked at Eddie. 

“But I’m most thankful for Eddie. He’s the best friend and partner anyone could ever ask for. I can’t imagine my life without him. I- I honestly don’t know what I would-” Eddie pushed his chair away from the table and he began to dig around in his pocket, but Richie kept going. “I don’t know what I would be without him. I want to spend-” 

Eyes full of tears, Eddie pulled something out of his pocket and got down on one knee. Richie’s breath caught in his throat. He was having trouble feeling his hands. 

“I-” Richie tried again but then stopped as Eddie opened a small jewelry box with a ring in it. Richie pushed his chair back and fell into Eddie’s arms, sobbing.

“What happened?!” Rachel asked as she tried to come around the table. Grace grabbed her at the last moment and began talking to her but Richie couldn’t really hear her over his sobs and Eddie trying to calm him down.

“I love you so much,” Eddie whispered into his neck and Richie clung to him.

“I love you, too,” Richie whispered. 

Eddie stroked the hair on the back of Richie’s neck. Eddie kissed him and Richie slowly felt himself relax. Kissing Eddie was something that always brought Richie back to Earth. Richie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Jesus, Richie,” Eddie said, voice thick with tears. “How are you even going to say your vows?” 

Richie laughed and pulled away, rubbing his face. Bill handed him a napkin and Richie took it and blew his nose.

“I told you he would say yes,” Bill whispered and Richie elbowed him.

“You’re the worst,” Richie said. 

Eddie laughed and kissed Richie again. They kissed for so long Bill literally kicked Richie in the ass as he cleared his throat. Richie and Eddie pulled apart and looked up at Bill.

“Uh, people are waiting for their pie still,” Bill said.

Richie was about to say something, but then Rachel piped up. 

“Richie! I’m gonna eat your pie!” She threatened. 

Richie leaned under the table and grabbed her ankle. Rachel screamed and laughed. 

She looked under the table at Richie. “What are you doing down there? I want pie!”

“Ok, ok,” Richie said. “Everyone can start on the pie.” 

After grabbing the rings, he pulled himself up and held out a hand to Eddie. They got up and sat in their chairs. Richie and Eddie put their rings on each other and kissed, briefly, again.

The rest of the night went by quickly. Richie couldn’t believe his luck. When everyone was done, Mike and Bev did the dishes while Bill sorted out leftovers. Everyone else sat around and the kids crashed on the couch. It took all of Richie’s self control to not drag Eddie upstairs and fuck him senseless, but there would be time for that later. As it was, Eddie was sitting in Richie’s lap, kissing him and shouting excitedly at everyone.

When everyone finally left, and the house was clean, Richie and Eddie went up to their bedroom. They ripped off each other's clothes and jumped into bed. Their hands and mouths were all over each other. Eddie crawled down between Richie’s legs and sucked his cock, and Richie cried when he came. He pulled Eddie up and kissed him, licking into his mouth. He couldn’t believe this was real.

“I love you so much,” Richie murmured, still crying.

“I love you, too,” Eddie said. “I love you so fucking much.” 

Richie nibbled his ear. “I can’t believe you said yes.” 

Eddie smirked. “Technically, I didn’t,” Eddie said and Richie froze. “I didn’t say yes, because technically, you didn’t ask a question, you idiot.” 

Richie sighed and rolled his eyes. “Why the fuck are you like this?” Richie asked and Eddie laughed.

“You love the way I fuck,” Eddie said, and Richie laughed. Eddie wiped Richie’s cheeks.

“Seriously, _how_ are you going to say your vows? You cry so _fucking_ much,” Eddie teased and Richie wiped his face.

“I don’t know, how are you going to say yours when _you’re a fucking asshole_?” Richie asked and Eddie sniggered.

“You love my asshole,” Eddie said and Richie kissed his chin, nodding.

“I don’t think I’ve given your asshole enough attention lately,” Richie murmured and Eddie smiled.

“Not tonight,” Eddie said. “Probably not tomorrow either. But soon. Very soon.” He kissed Richie again and Richie began to stroke Eddie’s cock.

When they were done, they got up, stripped the bed, and jumped in the shower. They tugged on their pajamas and remade their bed before crawling in. Eddie curled up behind Richie and pulled him close. He nosed the back of Richie’s neck, planting a few gentle kisses.

“I love you so much,” Eddie whispered. “I can’t believe you said yes.”

“Well, technically-” Richie started and Eddie nipped at Richie’s neck. Richie yelped a little, laughing. He twisted around and kissed Eddie.

“What are we going to do about our last names?” Richie asked. Eddie thought for a moment.

“We could do some sort of combination of our last names,” Eddie said. “Like Tobrak or Kaspier.” They both laughed.

“Those are terrible names,” Richie said.

“They are,” Eddie said, laughing. 

Richie kissed Eddie and shoved his face into Eddie’s chest. “I don’t care what my name is so long as you call me yours,” he murmured and Eddie kissed Richie’s hair.

“Me too,” Eddie said, and they snuggled close together. Richie yawned and settled closer to his fiance.

“I love you, Eddie,” Richie whispered. Eddie kissed his forehead.

“I love you, too, Richie,” Eddie said. “Now get some sleep.” 

They simultaneously took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Richie lay there for a few minutes listening to Eddie, and he could barely believe that not only had Eddie agreed to marry him, but Eddie had been planning to propose too!

_I guess Bill was right,_ Richie thought to himself as he took another deep breath and settled closer. _Better not tell him or it’ll go to his head._ He smiled and drifted off to sleep curled up in the arms of the man he loved. He didn’t think life could get any better than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's so weird that this is over. i've been working on this for a year, and just. so much feelings. thank you everyone who read this, i hope you like the end.
> 
> remember, you can always come talk to me on [tumblr](https://benhanscomisnotstraight.tumblr.com/)!

**Author's Note:**

> About a week before _It Chapter 2_ came out, my uncle died, and I went to visit family for a week for the first time in 3 years. When I came home, a friend and I went and saw _Chapter 2_. I had seen the miniseries, so I had some vague idea of what to expect, but the Richie story line was just fucking everything. I had _not_ seen that coming.
> 
> I started writing this fic not long after, then stopped because I _don't_ write about mother death and cancer. I rarely watch or read anything with either because my mom died of cancer when I was a kid and those subjects are rough for me.
> 
> I begged my best friend to watch Ch 2 for months because I knew she would love it and needed to share all these feelings with _someone_. Somewhere along the way, I came back to this fic and kept going. By the time my friend watched Ch 2, I was pretty far in, and although we talked about it often, even she was surprised to find that I had written the fic the way I had.
> 
> This story has taken a long time to write, and a lot of it just flowed onto paper (literally, I wrote most of this by hand before I typed it up). Some of this story I feel bad about writing, but it makes sense for the story. I even thought about rewriting some of it after I'd finished it because I was sad things had happened, but ultimately, I knew and know, this is the story I had to write.
> 
> The title comes from the Mumford and Sons song _After the Storm_ which I listened to on repeat for most of the fic.
> 
> ***
> 
> I'll be updating one chapter a week to give my beta time to finish editing. I hope you enjoy this fic! <3
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://nblesbianbenhanscom.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
